At what point can DS 11 chose not to go to his Dad's house every other weekend?

[Anonymous]

With out going into too much detail, DS no longer wants to go to his Dad's - they've never had a great relationship, but it is becoming very toxic for DS. His dad does treat him poorly (in contrast to his sister, who can do no wrong and is treated like a princess).

I've tried to encourage them both in the relationship and basically forced DS go for the last 3 years, but I don't think that is in DS's best interest anymore.

I've started documenting something, but I'm not sure what my options are or if we need to go back to court.

anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Your DS needs to tell his father he's not going.

[Anonymous]

18, you would have to prove abuse or neglect to stop visitation. Maybe he knows you don't support it and he's trying to please you. Maybe you can stop child support if he agrees to stop visits.

[Anonymous]

In Maryland it's around age 13 when the courts start taking the child's desires seriously. I don't know about other states.

It's expensive, and it's a pain. The court will appoint a best interest attorney for the child.

What would happen if your son said he didn't want to go? What would your ex do? It's unfortunately been my experience that the dads often give up pretty easily.

Maybe you could suggest a different type of meet-up. Ex husband takes your son out for a baseball game, or dinner, instead of a full weekend visit?

[Anonymous]

this is OP. I'm not sure what the bar is, legally, for abuse and neglect but I've started documenting ex's behavior that in my mind constitutes both. Examples: constant yelling, telling him he is a piece of shit to shut up, constant berating, forcefully yanking him out of bed,drinking to much and going to bed, while they stay up until 3 am, coming up with some reason that DS has misbehaved so he can't go to lunch/dinner, so DS doesn't eat bc there is limited food at his dad's...

Ex pays no child support, per our divorce agreement ( I make 3x what he does).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Maryland it's around age 13 when the courts start taking the child's desires seriously. I don't know about other states.

It's expensive, and it's a pain. The court will appoint a best interest attorney for the child.

What would happen if your son said he didn't want to go? What would your ex do? It's unfortunately been my experience that the dads often give up pretty easily.

Maybe you could suggest a different type of meet-up. Ex husband takes your son out for a baseball game, or dinner, instead of a full weekend visit?

Many Dad's give up because if the Mom's don't support it, there isn't much they can do. There are all kinds of help if a parent doesn't get child support for free, but its very expensive to pay for child support, alimony, care in their home and have a home let alone paying for attorney fees. Judges usually tell the CP to allow the visit but do nothing to enforce it. A Dad goes back many times and the same thing happens. Its a huge waste of money and by then Mom has poisoned Dad against the kids.

OP, think about the long term impact. My husband's ex was horrible to him and blocked visitation. He did the court battle. All the kids are pretty screwed up, especially in their personal relationships. Only one child is close to her mom. The others barely talk to her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18, you would have to prove abuse or neglect to stop visitation. Maybe he knows you don't support it and he's trying to please you. Maybe you can stop child support if he agrees to stop visits.

Not true at all. Do you think you are going to have to wrestle a 16 year old into the car for visitation?

[Anonymous]

Op, I paid a lawyer $300 for a one hour consult. S/he can tell you what to do. Worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18, you would have to prove abuse or neglect to stop visitation. Maybe he knows you don't support it and he's trying to please you. Maybe you can stop child support if he agrees to stop visits.

Not true at all. Do you think you are going to have to wrestle a 16 year old into the car for visitation?

A parent can force it and give consequences if the child will not go. Its called parenting. If your child didn't want to go to the doctor, would you agree? If your child didn't want to go to school, is that ok? Many times children pick up on the one parent's anger and are trying to please that parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is OP. I'm not sure what the bar is, legally, for abuse and neglect but I've started documenting ex's behavior that in my mind constitutes both. Examples: constant yelling, telling him he is a piece of shit to shut up, constant berating, forcefully yanking him out of bed,drinking to much and going to bed, while they stay up until 3 am, coming up with some reason that DS has misbehaved so he can't go to lunch/dinner, so DS doesn't eat bc there is limited food at his dad's...

Ex pays no child support, per our divorce agreement ( I make 3x what he does).

19:50 again. That sounds very similar to what happened in my family. I tried calling CPS (on my brother), but they told me emotional abuse isn't something they can do much about unless it causes a demonstrable damage, like failing in school, threatening suicide, etc. But it was enough for the courts to rule in my ex sis in law's favor. Again with the best interest attorney for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is OP. I'm not sure what the bar is, legally, for abuse and neglect but I've started documenting ex's behavior that in my mind constitutes both. Examples: constant yelling, telling him he is a piece of shit to shut up, constant berating, forcefully yanking him out of bed,drinking to much and going to bed, while they stay up until 3 am, coming up with some reason that DS has misbehaved so he can't go to lunch/dinner, so DS doesn't eat bc there is limited food at his dad's...

Ex pays no child support, per our divorce agreement ( I make 3x what he does).

19:50 again. That sounds very similar to what happened in my family. I tried calling CPS (on my brother), but they told me emotional abuse isn't something they can do much about unless it causes a demonstrable damage, like failing in school, threatening suicide, etc. But it was enough for the courts to rule in my ex sis in law's favor. Again with the best interest attorney for the kid.

Also court required what's call reunification therapy between father and son, to help them have a happy healthy relationship. That's a possible option. The goal isn't to alienate the kid from dad, and I don't think that's your goal. The goal is for the father/son relationship to be relatively healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18, you would have to prove abuse or neglect to stop visitation. Maybe he knows you don't support it and he's trying to please you. Maybe you can stop child support if he agrees to stop visits.

Not true at all. Do you think you are going to have to wrestle a 16 year old into the car for visitation?

A parent can force it and give consequences if the child will not go. Its called parenting. If your child didn't want to go to the doctor, would you agree? If your child didn't want to go to school, is that ok? Many times children pick up on the one parent's anger and are trying to please that parent.

yes, that's what I have been doing, but "parenting" is also protecting your child from harm. I feel like the balance has tipped, which is why I posed the question...I'm not trying to be difficult out of spite- I'm really concerned for my son.

Thanks 19:50/7 - that's sort of what I'm afraid of.

[Anonymous]

If what you are saying is true (what proof do you have other than what the son is saying?), then you need to be concerned for your daughter as well. You still haven't answered the question, what would dad say if you say that son doesn't want to go anymore to his house?

[Anonymous]

If you criricize ex or suggest ex is a bad parent to DS that could be making situation pretty messy. If I were Judge I would look hard before changing custody. No idea what your reality is. I have seen situations where one parent digs in against the other and it is toxic. "Gosh daddy really is bad at xyz. But we have to put up with it. But i really know how you feel. That really bothered me when daddy lived here and I couldn't take it any more." sometimes there are real issues. Sometimes ex is criticized by former spouse because of issues in marriage and the spouse's own disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't emotional abuse sufficient? How ridiculous. I am so sorry, OP.