My kids are not in the popular crowd

[Anonymous]

Which likely is a good thing, but I know can be painful in Middle School. They talk about the "popular" kids a lot and we talk about how being well liked is what is important and often middle school "popular" is not exactly well liked all the time. They both have a few good friends, not many, but nice kids from good families, etc. They are both friendly and pretty outgoing, middle of the road students, middle of the road athletes, etc. They are also somewhat home bodies. Both usually are ok with this situation, but at times feel left out and that the other crowd is not particularly nice to them. How have you handled similar? I was the middle of the road kid all through school, as I think my husband was too. We were floaters among many different types of people and while I do remember not feeling like I was intimately a part of "the crowd" I usually was ok with my independent status. I also could not ever swallow gossip or anyone being mean, so that kept me a bit adrift at times.

[Anonymous]

Also - OP here again. Do you think we played a role in this? We are social but not overly so, we tend to hang out with parents from sports and a few others but aren't into social climbing at all. We are busy and not super involved at school. I was never all that great at the play date thing early on, though both kids have friends in the house every weekend usually overnight.

[Anonymous]

Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings. Popular = trouble, particularly in high school. They have nice friends. Every kids feels "left out" now and again. Stop worrying.

Signed, Parent of 2 high school homebodies with few friends who are happy, healthy and not drinking and doing drugs.

[Anonymous]

The "in crowd" is only popular in its own mind. The truly popular kids ARE the floaters who are friends with everybody (except the self-isolating in crowd).

The in crowd kids are just as angst filled as your kids. And they're caught up in things that don't matter. They're also far more likely to engage in risky behavior in an attempt to impress their friends (although no one else is actually impressed). So, really, count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have good kids. Once they are seniors they won't even think about who's popular or not, so don't worry about it. Just make sure they have a few friends and encourage them to do some enjoyable and social things outside of school (which it sounds like they do already).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - OP here again. Do you think we played a role in this? We are social but not overly so, we tend to hang out with parents from sports and a few others but aren't into social climbing at all. We are busy and not super involved at school. I was never all that great at the play date thing early on, though both kids have friends in the house every weekend usually overnight.

This is nasty and resentful. Being social and having friends alone does not make one a social climber.

[Anonymous]

Middle school and high school popularity is a worry of yours, OP? Come on, you know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life, at all. The last thing you want is for your kids to peak in high school. I went to Churchill in the late '90's. I was a floater. The other kids who were also floaters are the ones doing the best in life right now. They are successful in their personal and professional lives and they are the ones I happily keep in touch with now.

The "popular" girls? They haven't achieved shit unless it really IS an achievement to follow Jen Stano on Instagram and brag about being mommies to #2Under2.

[Anonymous]

my 7th grader talks about popular kids too but with envy.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the rude comments, OP. I don't think OP is concerned about the popularity per se, but more concerned about the feelings of hurt and being left out that her kids might experience from time to time. I think that's a fair concern. I think OP just wants reassurance that others have btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

Spoken like a parent! LOL
Of course there is popularity but you are an adult on the outside looking in and getting a filtered story from your kids so you have no idea what the true story is.

As to the OP's point, sometimes you do have to help your kid be more social. I think this especially matters when the child indicates they would like to be or are sad about not being. They don't have to be popular to be social. Encourage them to get some friends together to do something. Invite them over to your house or suggest meeting for a movie. At middle school age, yes, you as the parent still have to direct them in how to do this and be involved in setting up the logistics.

[Anonymous]

I think whichever side of the popularity thing your kids are on, you have to deal with navigating the social order. When your kids are on the popular end there is the worry that they are being kind, and inclusive. Making sure that they are gracious when invited places....you really trade one set of problems for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

Spoken like a parent! LOL
Of course there is popularity but you are an adult on the outside looking in and getting a filtered story from your kids so you have no idea what the true story is.

As to the OP's point, sometimes you do have to help your kid be more social. I think this especially matters when the child indicates they would like to be or are sad about not being. They don't have to be popular to be social. Encourage them to get some friends together to do something. Invite them over to your house or suggest meeting for a movie. At middle school age, yes, you as the parent still have to direct them in how to do this and be involved in setting up the logistics.

Nope, I've talked with teachers here who grew up in the NE so they know the type of popularity I do, talked with student teachers, talked with older (hs) kids, gotten to school early for pickup and watched. etc.

[Anonymous]

I've never heard kids describe others as, "the popular kids"

Make sure, if they said this once, you didn't latch on to it and make it a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard kids describe others as, "the popular kids"

Make sure, if they said this once, you didn't latch on to it and make it a big deal

Perhaps you don't spend a lot of time with kids. I work with ES age kids and they talk about the popular kids (4th & 5th grade) but not necessarily in an admiring way. It's almost as if the word popular has lost its meaning -- well-liked -- and is a stand-in for hyper-cliquey and social.

OP, help your kids learn to be social. This is a skill that some come to naturally, and at a very early age. Others take a long time and need to learn it. You see adults posting on DCUM talking about feeling left out, not being able to make friends etc.

Teach your kids -- a PP had a good idea re: encouraging your child to initiate social events with your his/her friends. Be willing to host. Be willing to drive. Make it known that your fine with a bunch of kids eating and hanging out at your house. Then let your child invite his/her nice friends over.