How to work on my relationship with MIL
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Anonymous
| I know this is where people go to vent, but anyone out there who has a great relationship with your MIL now that perhaps you did not have at one point in time, can you make any suggestions on how to get to that point? Long story short, we are nothing alike and while I don't have a lot of love for her---I do have a lot of love for her son. We now have young kids and I desperately want them to have a great relationship with their paternal grandparents as well. They live far away ( 10 hour drive) so the visits are not frequent, but I would like to see them increase. The biggest problem we have had in the past few years is his parents not showing interest in our kids, me basically begging for them to come and they always have excuses , when they actually come his mom is very passive aggressive. They will talk non stop about his sisters kids and compare parenting styles ( for example MIL will say "oh wow you let your kids eat that" or "oh dear your youngest still needs the binky"..etc) anyways. I know I can't change her, so just looking for suggestions of ways to develop a real relationship that doesn't seem fake. I started trying to text pictures of the kids and she never replies...ever--so not sure text is the way to go ( not very technologically advance). |
Anonymous
| Are they receptive to your H? Where is he in this? |
Anonymous
+1 You can't force people to care. Is it important to your husband that his parents have a relationship with his children? What is he doing (or willing to do) to facilitate this? |
Anonymous
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Why are you "desperate" for your kids to have a great relationship with your ILs? Seriously. Why?
My parents live in Florida, and my ILs are local. My kids see my parents a couple of times a year and are much closer to them than to ILs. They never have time or interest to spend time with our kids. My spouse isn't bothered by it, so I'm not bothered by it. I leave it up to spouse to facilitate their relationship. OP--you have enough to manage with small kids. Don't take this on. I can't imagine wasting energy on "begging" anyone to come to my home. As PP noted, let your spouse take the lead on developing whatever relationship he sees fit. When you visit with them, be polite. If comments such as the examples you provided are made, simply respond with a nod or "Yes." You don't need to engage them or defend your parenting. You're not a teenageer who needs the head cheerleader's approval. You're an adult who is the head of a family. If someone, whether a grandparent or not, doesn't want to spend time with your family, it's their loss. Children all over the world grow up healthy and happy without having a close relationship with their grandparents. |
Anonymous
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I was going to post a similar question. Mil and I are so different, but I'd love to have a better relationship. Now, it's just civil, not at all close.
I think I resisted getting close at first because it seemed like as soon as I married her son, she assumed that all communications and planning and everything else would go through me, like she had been CEO of her family. But DH and I both work and have a much more egalitarian relationship: than she doors with her husband, so I generally just forwarded her emails and calls to DH rather than trying to mediate everything myself. Sorry, that probably doesn't help you, but I'll be looking for other tips. Are there things you do have in common? |
Anonymous
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Op first of all ~ lose the wish list. No more, "desperately want them to (whatever) ...". You can't make good, effective decisions this way. You need to be (more) empowered than this.
Arrange visits, the number and length that you think is appropriate. Give the relationship a chance, but creating magic is not something you can make happen. |
Anonymous
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For this one, OP, I would say reset your expectations far lower.
It took me a long time to get to a good place with my ILs, but we both wanted it and generally meant well. It took time for us to recover from some early mistakes and clashing personalities. Years. But in your case? Stop begging them to come. Back off. They will either come around or not and you have no control over that. What does your DH say? One rule of ILs is don't ask for them to visit more than their own kid wants them there. |
Anonymous
Invite them on outings. They're local. Mall trip and dinner out. Museum, etc. Little kid soccer game. Kid movie. Everyone busy and they won't be chattering. |
Anonymous
Err, they are NOT local... |
Anonymous
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I don't think you should try to force a relationship with their grandkids. Just let them know that your home is always open to them if they ever want to visit. Would you like to visit them more?
Whenever my ILs criticize my parenting I tell them that the pediatrician says its ok (even if I've never discussed it with the pediatrician). And please stop the jealously with your nieces and nephews because that will trickle down to you kids and impede their relationship with their cousins. |
Anonymous
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How is their relationship with your parents? Are they local? If it's happy and healthy, I would foster that relationship and let this one be.
I agree with previous posters who said that kids don't NEED grandparents to thrive. This like icing on the cake to have awesome interested grandparents, but it will do more harm than good to force it - the kids won't bond with them and it will always feel forced and awkward if you keep trying to 'orchestrate' a relationship. Plus, why would kids want to be around people who are passive-aggressive to their mom? |
Anonymous
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Maybe letters with cute stories and prints of snapshots would be better if the grandparents aren't technically adept. The other thing to keep in mind is that not everyone is good with little children; some people do better with elementary-school kids, for example, or even teens.
If the grandparents see the sister's kids more often they may be more involved in their lives; sometimes there's not much you can do about it. Sorry. |