Friends and technology- Parenting differently.

[Anonymous]

One of my groups of friends- friends from when our kids weee in kindergarten together now they're in eighth grade are extremely strict on technology use. One mom won't even allow a phone until college. Several don't allow tv or video games unless sports. One doesn't allow pop music. These are not religious people, but are extremely grade and achievement oriented. Most Ivy League or similar. I have a much looser way of handling electronics, etc. and feel my child needs to figure this stuff out and make mistakes even at this age. I've certainly been through parenting differences before - but this one is getting under my skin as there's a lot of sanctimony and judgement behind it. Advice? It's a major topic of conversation for the group and usually I just bite my tongue but lately I find myself increasingly annoyed.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. That's how I feel about politics around my family. They are all one party, and I'm another. And unfortunately we all talk politics all the time. So I just stay silent most of the time.

This really is a case of different families do things differently. And if they are 13 now, that's pretty old. I consider myself pretty strict on technology but by 13, the kids need some independence. I'm surprised these conversations are still going on at this age. I thought it would be an elementary school problem.

I don't know if there's any better way to handle it other than saying nothing. You likely won't change their mind and they won't change yours. The only thing I might say is that "I've taught my child how to appropriately navigate technology along the way, and I'm really proud at how responsible he is, both with time management and content." Or something like that. That's the ultimate goal, right?

[Anonymous]

The issue here is not the access/lack of access to the electronics. It's the judgmental statements that are the problem. You have a couple of choices OP:

--Set some ground rules with friends: "We all make choices with our kids about technology. I respect your right to do that as a parent and hope you respect mine. I'm not going to argue with you over who is a better parent. Some of your comments have come off as judgmental and disrespectful to me. So can we all agree to keep comments about kids and technology to ourselves?"

--Contiune to stay silent and make peace with your annoyance.

--Fade away from the group. If there's nothing else for them to talk about, then why bother? What are you getting out of connecting with these people?

[Anonymous]

The problem here is group mentality and the fact that most of them are of one mind - it's so easy in that context to let loose with judgemental comments because it feels validating. People of the same political bent do this when they get together as well.

You're the odd one out, so either you ignore it, or you ask that other people respect your choices by not denigrating them, or you fade out of the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is not the access/lack of access to the electronics. It's the judgmental statements that are the problem. You have a couple of choices OP:

--Set some ground rules with friends: "We all make choices with our kids about technology. I respect your right to do that as a parent and hope you respect mine. I'm not going to argue with you over who is a better parent. Some of your comments have come off as judgmental and disrespectful to me. So can we all agree to keep comments about kids and technology to ourselves?"

--Contiune to stay silent and make peace with your annoyance.

--Fade away from the group. If there's nothing else for them to talk about, then why bother? What are you getting out of connecting with these people?


I would definitely be in the sanctimommy group. I have an only child, and when she receives text messages at all hours from a school buddy on her iPad (which DD uses only under supervision), I think: 1. No phone for my DC till college, no way/no how and 2. Where are the parents of this buddy from school? Why aren't they...parenting?

(When I see how easily the kids exchange photos of themselves lounging with pets and all sorts of casual off hand comments, it's easy to imagine this evolving into sexting.)

That said, I realize that I'm not going to change your ideas on this, OP. Which is fine. And you are not going to change mine.

So of the above options, I would advise you to stay silent, or fade away from the group. Secure in the knowledge that, in the end, your children may be more well adjusted than mine.

[Anonymous]

These don't sound like nice people, OP.

Getting your kids IN to an Ivy League school is a short sighted goal if they don't arrive with the tools to cope with normal life when they get there.

Ivy kids do drugs, spend too much time on the internet and waste their parents money no differently than other kids. And as for drugs, perhaps more so because they are surrounding need by wealth.

[Anonymous]

If it's "conversation", that's an easier difference than the implementation of rules when the kids are together.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If the kids are friends and have other interests greater than electronics. Let them be friends. You don't need to be friends with the group.

If you want to remain part of the group, you choose your reactions. Don't let it bother you, change the topic, or speak up and state your thoughts. Deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is not the access/lack of access to the electronics. It's the judgmental statements that are the problem. You have a couple of choices OP:

--Set some ground rules with friends: "We all make choices with our kids about technology. I respect your right to do that as a parent and hope you respect mine. I'm not going to argue with you over who is a better parent. Some of your comments have come off as judgmental and disrespectful to me. So can we all agree to keep comments about kids and technology to ourselves?"

--Contiune to stay silent and make peace with your annoyance.

--Fade away from the group. If there's nothing else for them to talk about, then why bother? What are you getting out of connecting with these people?


I would definitely be in the sanctimommy group. I have an only child, and when she receives text messages at all hours from a school buddy on her iPad (which DD uses only under supervision), I think: 1. No phone for my DC till college, no way/no how and 2. Where are the parents of this buddy from school? Why aren't they...parenting?

(When I see how easily the kids exchange photos of themselves lounging with pets and all sorts of casual off hand comments, it's easy to imagine this evolving into sexting.)

That said, I realize that I'm not going to change your ideas on this, OP. Which is fine. And you are not going to change mine.

So of the above options, I would advise you to stay silent, or fade away from the group. Secure in the knowledge that, in the end, your children may be more well adjusted than mine.

So how young is your child? Based on the "texting from an ipad" comment, I imagine she is quite young, like 3rd grade?

OPs kid is almost in high school. What she is allowing her kid to do with regards to technology is very mild and restricted for a teenager, even if it seems permissive to a parent like you with a little kid or elementary kid.

No one except for the most extremely controlling parents or very religious parents would find OPs kid's use of technology even remotely permissive or out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP.
I limited technology a lot for my kids and I now realize i probably came across to people as being judgmental about it.

I am very open (no filter) in my thought-processes around these things. I don't mean it to be judgmental. I'd love to hear about how other people think about it, and how they came to their own decisions about how to handle decisions regarding technology use. I don't FEEL any judgement. But I do make decisions about what I think my own children need, and how they react to things. For example, when they were younger, I observed that when I allowed screen time, they were in a thoroughly grumpy mood when it was time to move on to something else. Whereas they were much more even-keeled and pleasant if I didn't allow it altogether. Such things were just observations about my own children that factor into my own decision making. I don't genralize it to others. But I"m afraid it would probably seem that way.

I'd encourage you to speak up when your friend is voicing her opinions/thoughts, and state your own. She will lean a thing or two and will also perhaps begin to realize when she was being insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP.
I limited technology a lot for my kids and I now realize i probably came across to people as being judgmental about it.

I am very open (no filter) in my thought-processes around these things. I don't mean it to be judgmental. I'd love to hear about how other people think about it, and how they came to their own decisions about how to handle decisions regarding technology use. I don't FEEL any judgement. But I do make decisions about what I think my own children need, and how they react to things. For example, when they were younger, I observed that when I allowed screen time, they were in a thoroughly grumpy mood when it was time to move on to something else. Whereas they were much more even-keeled and pleasant if I didn't allow it altogether. Such things were just observations about my own children that factor into my own decision making. I don't genralize it to others. But I"m afraid it would probably seem that way.

I'd encourage you to speak up when your friend is voicing her opinions/thoughts, and state your own. She will lean a thing or two and will also perhaps begin to realize when she was being insensitive.

Op here. What a nice balanced response! -actually I thought all responses were kind and thoughtful

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds to me like you and your friends are at extreme ends of the spectrum. I wonder how their kids will navigate a social life if they have no means of communicating with their friends electronically and I wonder what your kids are being exposed to and what habits they're forming if they are allowed to make mistakes with regard to electronics usage. Maybe you both need to chill. Set reasonable limits and just stop thinking about it so much.

[Anonymous]

I was extremely strict about technology until some other friends described some reasons they are less strict- it helped to hear another viewpoint. Now, I'm strict (but less so) only because of my own child's reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my groups of friends- friends from when our kids weee in kindergarten together now they're in eighth grade are extremely strict on technology use. One mom won't even allow a phone until college. Several don't allow tv or video games unless sports. One doesn't allow pop music. These are not religious people, but are extremely grade and achievement oriented. Most Ivy League or similar. I have a much looser way of handling electronics, etc. and feel my child needs to figure this stuff out and make mistakes even at this age. I've certainly been through parenting differences before - but this one is getting under my skin as there's a lot of sanctimony and judgement behind it. Advice? It's a major topic of conversation for the group and usually I just bite my tongue but lately I find myself increasingly annoyed.

How is there sanctimony? Give an example... Do you actual have evidence that they're secretly allowing technology use while preaching against it? If not, I don't how there is any sanctimony...

[Anonymous]

OP, my straight-A 8th grader is a total screen addict. It's annoying sometimes, but it hasn't really affected her achievement in school. Also, for every minute she spends playing Minecraft, she also researches things on Youtube and learns how to knit or do some other type of craft. Just FWIW.