Interfaith couples with a Christian husband

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this belongs in the relationship forum or religious forum, but here we go -

Husband & I are different religions and our agreement is that we celebrate major holidays together as a family but each spouse is responsible for fulfilling his/her religious obligations, ie - DH is Christian so if he wants the kids baptized, it's his job to make that happen. So, Christmas is a Christian holiday, DH would like our observation to be a religious, rather than materialistic, one and I'm trying to be supportive - but, I'm also finding that some gender norms are prevailing here, in that DH has no experience taking the lead on family holiday observance. I'm becoming resentful that we're two days out from show time and he has yet to decide what that "religious" observance looks like or what role I can play to be supportive. To get practical, now is the perfect time to go grocery shopping - but he has yet to greenlight the menu and he has some specific ideas about what should be included, so I could make an executive decision and then hear him complain about it later.

So, given his lack of initiative on his holiday, should I just put on a show by myself, promoting a holiday I don't particularly believe in, and that he'll ultimately complain about because it's not how he envisioned it? If I do, it's for the kids' benefit. Or do I kick back, relax, and watch him sulk on Christmas day when he doesn't get the family celebration he hoped for? The former sounds like a recipe for misery. The latter sounds immature & stubborn.

[Option 3: nag the hell out of him today, so that we can all have a relaxing holiday weekend. This is what his mother used to do to him when his lazyness was holding the rest of the household back. I don't want to live like that, but it gets results. It's so 1950s.]

[Anonymous]

Op what's your religion? Anyway If you have an agreement in place then let him figure it out for himself. That's his problem. If it's a poor outcome then he'll learn and do better for the next holiday. For your part you continue to celebrate your religious holidays as agreed and just remind him it's his responsibility to follow through with his holiday traditions. Op you just reminded me why I absolutely will never marry someone with a different religion. I've always wondered why some couples do it especially if they plan to have kids. The complexity is just too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what's your religion? Anyway If you have an agreement in place then let him figure it out for himself. That's his problem. If it's a poor outcome then he'll learn and do better for the next holiday. For your part you continue to celebrate your religious holidays as agreed and just remind him it's his responsibility to follow through with his holiday traditions. Op you just reminded me why I absolutely will never marry someone with a different religion. I've always wondered why some couples do it especially if they plan to have kids. The complexity is just too much.

TO me, it sounds like the personality difference is the main issue - not religion.

I'd give the guy a deadline -- e.g., -- tell me by x hour what I need to do to prepare for x activities. With these instructions, I can pull off the Christmas you want your children to have. Without them, I can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op what's your religion? Anyway If you have an agreement in place then let him figure it out for himself. That's his problem. If it's a poor outcome then he'll learn and do better for the next holiday. For your part you continue to celebrate your religious holidays as agreed and just remind him it's his responsibility to follow through with his holiday traditions. Op you just reminded me why I absolutely will never marry someone with a different religion. I've always wondered why some couples do it especially if they plan to have kids. The complexity is just too much.

TO me, it sounds like the personality difference is the main issue - not religion.

I'd give the guy a deadline -- e.g., -- tell me by x hour what I need to do to prepare for x activities. With these instructions, I can pull off the Christmas you want your children to have. Without them, I can't.

No. His holiday. His religion. His responsibility. If he's not that vested in making it happen, so be it. Doing it now on his behalf only sets precedence for the future.

[Anonymous]

You guys seem to have communication issues beyond religion.

How about, "Dearest, what can I do to help you prepare for Christmas?"

If he waffles, then tell him to let you know when he's decided how he is going to organize everything and you'll be happy to help out.

Then go about your day. If he doesn't take you up on your clearly communicated offer, then no Christmas and not your problem. If he starts moving and asks you to help, then offer reasonable assistance.

[Anonymous]

Do your thing.

Our friends are an interfaith couple with a Jewish husband who is not very involved in raising the kids. When they were small, the wife tried to do little Hanukkah things, or talk about Passover, but he never did much. The kids are now 7 and 9, and are, for all intents and purposes, being raised Catholic.

We are Jewish, and I never think of inviting them over for the holidays or anything.

My suggestion is that you do your thing; if it is actually important to him, he'll let you know, but it's not on you to make sure they're raised in his faith as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you! There really are some helpful comments in here. I appreciate that. I've been stressing myself out about this too much and it's not my problem. DH will complain if the celebration isn't nice enough in his own mind, but he'll fail to see it as his own fault. It's just annoying.

[Anonymous]

Is this the first year this has come up? None of his family around to celebrate with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You guys seem to have communication issues beyond religion.

How about, "Dearest, what can I do to help you prepare for Christmas?"

If he waffles, then tell him to let you know when he's decided how he is going to organize everything and you'll be happy to help out.

Then go about your day. If he doesn't take you up on your clearly communicated offer, then no Christmas and not your problem. If he starts moving and asks you to help, then offer reasonable assistance.

^this. Stop making it a resentment thing. Just offer and when he's ready help. And if he wants to delegate something to you, take it on, no biggie.