How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.

[Anonymous]

My sister is coming for the holidays. She is very jealous of my life, even though she and her husband had about the same income. When our mom died I gave her almost everything to prevent battles over china, etc. I have an elegant home. Her's is crammed with stuff. Every time she's visited me she asks if she can have things (picture frames, desk, needlepoint cushions). I've already told her that this topic is off limits but it probably won't stop her asking and moping if I say no. Too late to call off trip. She arrives tomorrow. I'm already removing a couple hot button items to a closet at my daughter's house. Any (useful) suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Well that's ballsy. How does the conversation go? "Hey sis, I love that candlestick. Can I have it?" Is there any cultural background that explains the behaviour?

[Anonymous]

Is it your stuff she's asking for? Or your mom's?

[Anonymous]

Is she a hoarder?

[Anonymous]

How about "We've been through this. As always, the answer is no."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is coming for the holidays. She is very jealous of my life, even though she and her husband had about the same income. When our mom died I gave her almost everything to prevent battles over china, etc. I have an elegant home. Her's is crammed with stuff. Every time she's visited me she asks if she can have things (picture frames, desk, needlepoint cushions). I've already told her that this topic is off limits but it probably won't stop her asking and moping if I say no. Too late to call off trip. She arrives tomorrow. I'm already removing a couple hot button items to a closet at my daughter's house. Any (useful) suggestions?

Find a psychologist for her that specializes in hoarding. That's what she really needs.

[Anonymous]

She asked you if she can have your desk??
Are you close? Is she trying to feel close to you by having your personal things?

Just laugh, tell her no, and tell her where she can buy the same or similar item. If she gets upset say "I also love it, so I want to keep it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She asked you if she can have your desk??
Are you close? Is she trying to feel close to you by having your personal things?

Just laugh, tell her no, and tell her where she can buy the same or similar item. If she gets upset say "I also love it, so I want to keep it."

Yup. The word you're looking for is "no". If she's brazen enough to ask, you're brazen enough to just say no and move on. Eventually she'll stop as long as you never, ever say yes -- if you do she'll never stop -- see "intermittent reinforcement".

[Anonymous]

"I really like that pillow so I don't want to give it away, but I can tell you where I got it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about "We've been through this. As always, the answer is no."

Put this on a sticky note and stick it to your bathroom mirror.
Tattoo it on your wrist.
Send yourself emails with this response.

Just keep repeating it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that if she can't stop with this behavior, she is no longer welcome to stay in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it your stuff she's asking for? Or your mom's?

+1 can't imagine her wanting a needlepoint pillow you made. Maybe grandmas?
Post sounds dishonest and fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She asked you if she can have your desk??
Are you close? Is she trying to feel close to you by having your personal things?

Just laugh, tell her no, and tell her where she can buy the same or similar item. If she gets upset say "I also love it, so I want to keep it."

Also wanting to know if it could be this. Are you the older sister? My sister does not ask for my stuff but does other weird things to be closer to me. We've always had a very exaggerated "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha," type of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it your stuff she's asking for? Or your mom's?

+1 can't imagine her wanting a needlepoint pillow you made. Maybe grandmas?
Post sounds dishonest and fishy.

Hardly. I had a mother like that. Acted like things were available to have or borrow when they weren't, every time she visited. Like a shopling spree, and would throw a tantrum of sorts at 'No' If she really wanted something, couldn't help but ask again even though she already got a no. Eventually, there were times I left something behind by accident at her place (or that she would insist I abandoned) and use it. So, is the above OP unbelievable? Not at all. If anything, I'm sure its more common than her sib and my mum.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you keep saying no? I am not sure why this is such a big deal. It is your sister and she feels comfortable enough to tell you she likes your things and wants them. Say no, and maybe once in a while get something nice for her.

My sister who is just a year younger asks me for stuff and money all the time. She has more disposable income(she is single, has a good job, and has no children yet, and I am home with my babies for the moment so our money can only go so far). I almost always say no, but it does not bother me. Once in a while, I give her a couple of hundred dollars or buy her something she can comfortably afford(she makes six figures so she is comfortable)

She buys stuff for my kids, her nieces, so it is not that she is self absorbed. We had a dynamic growing up in which we shared clothes and other stuff, and it looks like she wants to kind of keep it. I don't see why that is an issue.