Not feeling committed to my marriage

[Anonymous]

For various reasons, I am really questioning the viability of my marriage. We have been married 3 years and it's just been constant struggle. Much of the struggle has been a result of challenging external factors, but our inability to handle them well as a team has really made me question the marriage. We also really struggle to paint a picture of a future together that we're both happy with. Yes, we talked about what we wanted out of life before marriage, but above mentioned challenges have made some of our original plan impossible, putting us back to the drawing board.

My reasons aside, it is not possible to cut out right now. Not least because we are currently living overseas, and I think a joint move back (in August) is the wisest course of action. I'd also like to spend the time between now and when we move back together doing my best to take responsibility for my part in our issues as well as to make sure all of my ducks are in a row.

Which leads me to what I am not sure how to navigate: I am currently in the mindset of evaluation regarding the marriage. I am not feeling committed. My husband can of course feel this, and it leads to fighting. I want to do my part in trying to undo some of the bad communication patterns we've fallen into, but I am not up for faking a feeling of optimism about the future at this time. I need to see that we can function better as a team before I feel genuinely loving again, if that can ever happen at all.

I've always been attracted to my husband, so having sex is not my problem, for the record.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For various reasons, I am really questioning the viability of my marriage. We have been married 3 years and it's just been constant struggle. Much of the struggle has been a result of challenging external factors, but our inability to handle them well as a team has really made me question the marriage. We also really struggle to paint a picture of a future together that we're both happy with. Yes, we talked about what we wanted out of life before marriage, but above mentioned challenges have made some of our original plan impossible, putting us back to the drawing board.

My reasons aside, it is not possible to cut out right now. Not least because we are currently living overseas, and I think a joint move back (in August) is the wisest course of action. I'd also like to spend the time between now and when we move back together doing my best to take responsibility for my part in our issues as well as to make sure all of my ducks are in a row.

Which leads me to what I am not sure how to navigate: I am currently in the mindset of evaluation regarding the marriage. I am not feeling committed. My husband can of course feel this, and it leads to fighting. I want to do my part in trying to undo some of the bad communication patterns we've fallen into, but I am not up for faking a feeling of optimism about the future at this time. I need to see that we can function better as a team before I feel genuinely loving again, if that can ever happen at all.

I've always been attracted to my husband, so having sex is not my problem, for the record.

What should I do?

For one, your post is too well-thought out and uses too many big words for DCUM, therefore you will not garner many - if any -responses. So, try to dumb it down and repost.
Second, when you re-post, explain some of the challenges you are having that are affecting your commitment to the marriage.
Third, if there are no kids involved, everyone will tell you to divorce him.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to share with him what you've posted. That you need to see the two of you functioning as a team in order to be in this for the long haul.

You took the vows. Now you need to at least try and honor them. Start communicating with your husband. If he doesn't communicate back, that's one thing. But you at least need to give him a chance to either get on the same team with you or see that you two want different things and you can part ways.

[Anonymous]

If there are no kids, divorce ASAP. Kids will do any not-solid marriage in.

[Anonymous]

Planning your future as a couple seems difficult. I know many times that plans of any kind just don't pan out- too may external factors neither you or he cannot possibly hope to control.

I would return from overseas and commit to six months to a year of counseling with a good counselor you both can work with.

If there is no infidelity, abuse, addiction within your marriage, learning to become a better team is possible. Three years is really not that long of a marriage, it takes time to learn how to do marriage.

Esp if you are attracted to him and your biggest issue is the future? Let me know if you can find a man who you can plan a future out with and you both know it's 100% I'd hazard a guess, after 25 years of marriage on my side, that such a man and such fool-proof planning is not reality.

Divorce is always there, but before you throw in the towel really think about the terrible moments most marriages weather. I don't know a couple who hasn't had a catastrophe of some kind. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

No way to give advice without knowing if kids or no kids. If kids, you have every reason to work on this until the bitter end. Without? Why bother.