7 Year Old DD: Controlling Behavior?

[Anonymous]

My DD is bright and fairly reasonable, but lately we seem to be struggling with her, and it seems that it all comes down to her trying to control her environment. For example, she'll test me to see if I carry out her requests, and it seems like it's for the sake of confirming she has control over me, rather than any actual need for help (so, she'll leave her backpack on the floor, then ask me to pick it up). She's gotten very particular about her eating. She also won't eat school lunch because you have to go up and tell the lunch lady what you want, so the one time we couldn't pack her lunch, she chose to skip eating rather than get her food. She gets really angry with her younger brother over any perceived unfairness, and will sometimes say that she hates him.

I'm biased, of course, but it doesn't seem like she's mean spirited. It seems, rather, like she needs to feel like she's in control of the situation, and when she gets anxious, she acts out, and then the meanness results. I don't want to enable her bad behaviors, but I do want to put her at ease so that she trusts me more and, hopefully, relaxes.

Any advice from parents who have been able to work through this? At which point should I consider getting help? I feel like at this point the behaviors aren't disruptive, but creeping toward that tipping point.

[Anonymous]

I would get help now, asap. We never experienced anything like this.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like my kids but, taken individually, none of those behaviors sounds beyond the pale. My kids often ask me to do stuff they can do themselves. I almost always say no. And I gently tease them for asking so they see how silly it is. The lunchroom thing sounds like anxiety, which I get--I can see my little self doing the same thing, and maybe one of my kids. As for being mean to her brother, well, I spent about 10 years being mean to mine and now we love each other very much.

[Anonymous]

Quit coddling. You need to discipline this child now. She doesn't need to "relax," she needs to respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like my kids but, taken individually, none of those behaviors sounds beyond the pale. My kids often ask me to do stuff they can do themselves. I almost always say no. And I gently tease them for asking so they see how silly it is. The lunchroom thing sounds like anxiety, which I get--I can see my little self doing the same thing, and maybe one of my kids. As for being mean to her brother, well, I spent about 10 years being mean to mine and now we love each other very much.

This is OP. Thanks! I have tried the gentle teasing, but I get an angry response. It's like I already have a teenager at home! And it's hard not to then get annoyed, though I'm working on staying calm and not taking it personally.

Regarding the lunch episode, I can understand her discomfort, but she was always a good eater, so it seems like an extreme response.

[Anonymous]

We see some flashes of that with our DD who definitely has some anxieties. I try to talk through those worries in quiet moments and we role play situations that feel overwhelming to her (navigating social stuff on the playground, for example). Enforce your normal limits on things (don't pick up stuff on command, and require her to do it; don't tolerate mean or unkind behavior towards brother), but then look for a quiet time when you might suss out if something else is going on at school that is causing her to worry or be anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit coddling. You need to discipline this child now. She doesn't need to "relax," she needs to respect you.

I'm not really good at coddling, so I don't think I'm doing that. I've always treated her as a person, and never babied her. But maybe this backfired and she thinks she's a know-it-all? Come to think of it, I was like that too. I was just never disciplined enough to be controlling. I think she's kind of rebelling and it's more about her than about me. In any case, how does one teach a kid to respect you? Genuinely asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We see some flashes of that with our DD who definitely has some anxieties. I try to talk through those worries in quiet moments and we role play situations that feel overwhelming to her (navigating social stuff on the playground, for example). Enforce your normal limits on things (don't pick up stuff on command, and require her to do it; don't tolerate mean or unkind behavior towards brother), but then look for a quiet time when you might suss out if something else is going on at school that is causing her to worry or be anxious.

Thank you! I can't tolerate mean behaviors, but I'm trying to be more measured in my responses and not escalate. She's so secretive about what happens in school. And hates talking about what's bothering her. (Worst of all, she gets that from me.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is bright and fairly reasonable, but lately we seem to be struggling with her, and it seems that it all comes down to her trying to control her environment. For example, she'll test me to see if I carry out her requests, and it seems like it's for the sake of confirming she has control over me, rather than any actual need for help (so, she'll leave her backpack on the floor, then ask me to pick it up). She's gotten very particular about her eating. She also won't eat school lunch because you have to go up and tell the lunch lady what you want, so the one time we couldn't pack her lunch, she chose to skip eating rather than get her food. She gets really angry with her younger brother over any perceived unfairness, and will sometimes say that she hates him.

I'm biased, of course, but it doesn't seem like she's mean spirited. It seems, rather, like she needs to feel like she's in control of the situation, and when she gets anxious, she acts out, and then the meanness results. I don't want to enable her bad behaviors, but I do want to put her at ease so that she trusts me more and, hopefully, relaxes.

Any advice from parents who have been able to work through this? At which point should I consider getting help? I feel like at this point the behaviors aren't disruptive, but creeping toward that tipping point.

The second two examples are normal. My DD absolutely would have starved rather than talk to the lunch lady (it was a phase, we were patient, she's fine). While it's not great, siblings say nasty things to each other sometimes. The backpack thing is a little weird, but I would need more context. My DD needs a lot of alone time and a lot of sleep. It took every ounce of her strength to shine at school, and she was at the end of her rope every day when she got home. For her mental health, she really needed everyone to back off. We didn't yell or punish, because she was holding it together as much as she was capable. She got sent to her room a lot to collect herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is bright and fairly reasonable, but lately we seem to be struggling with her, and it seems that it all comes down to her trying to control her environment. For example, she'll test me to see if I carry out her requests, and it seems like it's for the sake of confirming she has control over me, rather than any actual need for help (so, she'll leave her backpack on the floor, then ask me to pick it up). She's gotten very particular about her eating. She also won't eat school lunch because you have to go up and tell the lunch lady what you want, so the one time we couldn't pack her lunch, she chose to skip eating rather than get her food. She gets really angry with her younger brother over any perceived unfairness, and will sometimes say that she hates him.

I'm biased, of course, but it doesn't seem like she's mean spirited. It seems, rather, like she needs to feel like she's in control of the situation, and when she gets anxious, she acts out, and then the meanness results. I don't want to enable her bad behaviors, but I do want to put her at ease so that she trusts me more and, hopefully, relaxes.

Any advice from parents who have been able to work through this? At which point should I consider getting help? I feel like at this point the behaviors aren't disruptive, but creeping toward that tipping point.

The second two examples are normal. My DD absolutely would have starved rather than talk to the lunch lady (it was a phase, we were patient, she's fine). While it's not great, siblings say nasty things to each other sometimes. The backpack thing is a little weird, but I would need more context. My DD needs a lot of alone time and a lot of sleep. It took every ounce of her strength to shine at school, and she was at the end of her rope every day when she got home. For her mental health, she really needed everyone to back off. We didn't yell or punish, because she was holding it together as much as she was capable. She got sent to her room a lot to collect herself.

Yes, I get the sense that she is holding it together at school, but lets loose at home (and particularly with me, her mom). Which is kind of becoming a bad dynamic, and then she feels uncertain around me, and acts out more. It's really hard to balance maintaining rules with remaining calm and supportive. I get irritated by her behaviors, because I expect more, and then she reacts to my irritation with more bad behavior. Sending her to her room doesn't work very well, she's always really hated it, so it escalates the confrontation.

The example with the backpack: She just does these intentionally (it seems) annoying things whose purpose seems to be to get me to do something for her. I'll say, "OK, Larla, get your backpack," and she'll respond with "You get it." I don't know if it's related to the fact that I seem to be doing more for her brother (because he's younger) and less for her. Which goes back to the fairness issue. She's very fixated on being treated exactly like him, which is impossible, they're two different people.

[Anonymous]

When my DD started some of these behaviors - I started a 'patient' version of the golden rule. when she behaves a way i don't like or does things where it seems like she's trying to control me - I say very calmly and flatly something like 'I don't think you'd like it if I threw something on the ground and asked you to pick it up, would you?" and try not to respond otherwise (not to get a big reaction) (and talk about the golden rule at other times - where in our family, we respect people and treat others the way we want to be treated.) And it mostly annoys her enough that she'll do whatever or stop doing whatever... not always, but often. Not sure about the not eating, can't get my DS to eat his lunch most days at all.

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to order her lunch sounds like social anxiety. Try role playing with barbies or dolls as practice for social situations where she may not know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is bright and fairly reasonable, but lately we seem to be struggling with her, and it seems that it all comes down to her trying to control her environment. For example, she'll test me to see if I carry out her requests, and it seems like it's for the sake of confirming she has control over me, rather than any actual need for help (so, she'll leave her backpack on the floor, then ask me to pick it up). She's gotten very particular about her eating. She also won't eat school lunch because you have to go up and tell the lunch lady what you want, so the one time we couldn't pack her lunch, she chose to skip eating rather than get her food. She gets really angry with her younger brother over any perceived unfairness, and will sometimes say that she hates him.

I'm biased, of course, but it doesn't seem like she's mean spirited. It seems, rather, like she needs to feel like she's in control of the situation, and when she gets anxious, she acts out, and then the meanness results. I don't want to enable her bad behaviors, but I do want to put her at ease so that she trusts me more and, hopefully, relaxes.

Any advice from parents who have been able to work through this? At which point should I consider getting help? I feel like at this point the behaviors aren't disruptive, but creeping toward that tipping point.

The second two examples are normal. My DD absolutely would have starved rather than talk to the lunch lady (it was a phase, we were patient, she's fine). While it's not great, siblings say nasty things to each other sometimes. The backpack thing is a little weird, but I would need more context. My DD needs a lot of alone time and a lot of sleep. It took every ounce of her strength to shine at school, and she was at the end of her rope every day when she got home. For her mental health, she really needed everyone to back off. We didn't yell or punish, because she was holding it together as much as she was capable. She got sent to her room a lot to collect herself.

Yes, I get the sense that she is holding it together at school, but lets loose at home (and particularly with me, her mom). Which is kind of becoming a bad dynamic, and then she feels uncertain around me, and acts out more. It's really hard to balance maintaining rules with remaining calm and supportive. I get irritated by her behaviors, because I expect more, and then she reacts to my irritation with more bad behavior. Sending her to her room doesn't work very well, she's always really hated it, so it escalates the confrontation.

The example with the backpack: She just does these intentionally (it seems) annoying things whose purpose seems to be to get me to do something for her. I'll say, "OK, Larla, get your backpack," and she'll respond with "You get it." I don't know if it's related to the fact that I seem to be doing more for her brother (because he's younger) and less for her. Which goes back to the fairness issue. She's very fixated on being treated exactly like him, which is impossible, they're two different people.

You need to shift this dynamic. You MUST be calm and supportive. Focus on rules and discipline is only going to hurt your connection more. Happy, secure kids don't lash out and stomp around and generally act awful all the time. You're the only one who can turn this around. Punishment for her outbursts might get you some outward compliance, but they're not going to help with the underlying anxiety and unhappiness. She can probably sense that mom isn't liking her so much right now. Can you try some radical empathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is bright and fairly reasonable, but lately we seem to be struggling with her, and it seems that it all comes down to her trying to control her environment. For example, she'll test me to see if I carry out her requests, and it seems like it's for the sake of confirming she has control over me, rather than any actual need for help (so, she'll leave her backpack on the floor, then ask me to pick it up). She's gotten very particular about her eating. She also won't eat school lunch because you have to go up and tell the lunch lady what you want, so the one time we couldn't pack her lunch, she chose to skip eating rather than get her food. She gets really angry with her younger brother over any perceived unfairness, and will sometimes say that she hates him.

I'm biased, of course, but it doesn't seem like she's mean spirited. It seems, rather, like she needs to feel like she's in control of the situation, and when she gets anxious, she acts out, and then the meanness results. I don't want to enable her bad behaviors, but I do want to put her at ease so that she trusts me more and, hopefully, relaxes.

Any advice from parents who have been able to work through this? At which point should I consider getting help? I feel like at this point the behaviors aren't disruptive, but creeping toward that tipping point.

The second two examples are normal. My DD absolutely would have starved rather than talk to the lunch lady (it was a phase, we were patient, she's fine). While it's not great, siblings say nasty things to each other sometimes. The backpack thing is a little weird, but I would need more context. My DD needs a lot of alone time and a lot of sleep. It took every ounce of her strength to shine at school, and she was at the end of her rope every day when she got home. For her mental health, she really needed everyone to back off. We didn't yell or punish, because she was holding it together as much as she was capable. She got sent to her room a lot to collect herself.

Yes, I get the sense that she is holding it together at school, but lets loose at home (and particularly with me, her mom). Which is kind of becoming a bad dynamic, and then she feels uncertain around me, and acts out more. It's really hard to balance maintaining rules with remaining calm and supportive. I get irritated by her behaviors, because I expect more, and then she reacts to my irritation with more bad behavior. Sending her to her room doesn't work very well, she's always really hated it, so it escalates the confrontation.

The example with the backpack: She just does these intentionally (it seems) annoying things whose purpose seems to be to get me to do something for her. I'll say, "OK, Larla, get your backpack," and she'll respond with "You get it." I don't know if it's related to the fact that I seem to be doing more for her brother (because he's younger) and less for her. Which goes back to the fairness issue. She's very fixated on being treated exactly like him, which is impossible, they're two different people.

You need to shift this dynamic. You MUST be calm and supportive. Focus on rules and discipline is only going to hurt your connection more. Happy, secure kids don't lash out and stomp around and generally act awful all the time. You're the only one who can turn this around. Punishment for her outbursts might get you some outward compliance, but they're not going to help with the underlying anxiety and unhappiness. She can probably sense that mom isn't liking her so much right now. Can you try some radical empathy?

That's what I'm wondering too. How to be supportive without letting her walk over me (because I suspect she'll just keep pushing the boundaries). I just didn't think I'll have to re-do this at age 7, I thought we had already established the groundwork at age 3, and it worked fine for several years.

[Anonymous]

She punished you by not eating when you didn't make her lunch. Or thought she did. She's the one who didn't eat. In cases like that tell her it's fine if she chooses not to eat. Food was available. Her behavior needs to be shut down.