Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
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Anonymous
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Our dilemma: All my wife talks about is our kids. We have one with mild special needs, and yes, the kids is exhausting and certainly the topic of conversation. The end of almost every day is my wife emotionally vomiting on me about her day with the kids. Date night is the same. If I change the topic, I am seen as insensitive.
You can imagine how our romantic life is. She doesn't seem to miss that part of the relationship. She is a SAHM. I value her contribution. Sometimes I wonder if she would be happier to just go back to work so she isn't around the kids so much. Whatever makes her happy. Money isn't a concern for us, I do fine. Suggestions? How do I change the topic without sounding insensitive? Anyone successfully instituted a "no talking about the kids" on date night rule? |
Anonymous
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How engaged are you? You are the only other person in charge of raising these kids with her, and there is plenty to talk about even without special needs.
Does she get a break at all? Hard to talk about anything else if she doesn't have time for anything else. |
Anonymous
| OP I am wife who was in a similar position as your wife. Things got much better for me when my kid went to daycare. If I had it to do over again I would have sent my kid to daycare earlier. My daughter was home with me the first 2 years and it's the hardest job ever. Plus I was super boring to others during that time because my conversations about "work" revolve around the kid. Maybe your wife can go back to work or volunteer part time, while your kid goes to daycare part-time. Does your wife have a hobby? She really needs time away from the kids to remember who she is other than "mommy". Make sure when she talks about the kids you are an active listener. Nod your head and have stuff to say in response. After that politely tell her you'd like to not talk about kids during date night, but are happy to hear about them other times. Also tell her you love her, know her job is hard, and you miss having sex with her. Do not tell her this when you are in the middle of trying to get sex. |
Anonymous
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Make sure she's getting out of the house away from the kids. Try to schedule one night a week when you're sure to get home on time and you cover all the home duties so she can go out. Strongly encourage her to go out. It doesn't matter what, dinner with friends, a book club, a class, evening yoga, heading to Barnes and noble alone to sit and read magazines, whatever she wants.
Then the next time you (yes, it must be you) plan a date night, tell her when you're sharing your plans that it's a stress free getaway night. You won't be talking about work and she won't talk about the kids (her work). Tell her when she will be able to share about her day. For instance, tell her you want to hear all about it before you leave but not when you're actually on the date, or you two can share it all the next day. I wouldn't offer after the date as an option because you don't want to kill the mood if you get a sexy vibe going. Give her advance warning so she can process that. Be sure to stress that it's to help you two escape, and it's not that you're uninterested. Be prepared with things to talk about. She might be feeling really isolated. She might not have anything else to talk about. If she does go out on her own, be prepared to hear a play by play of every single thing everyone she sees wears, says and does. Try to be interested. It might still not be interesting conversation, but she's probably out of practice. |
Anonymous
| How do we get H that are less like kids. |
Anonymous
Hmmm, do your kids provide the entire household income? No? Okay, bye. |
Anonymous
Nor dies my H, but he sure does spend more than his share. My wife who spend her entire day with MY SN child doesn't fawn on me at the end of the day and wants to tell about the kids. Waaaaahhhh!!!! |
Anonymous
For real. |
Anonymous
God I wish my DH would do this. I'm a SAHM and in the trenches with two kids, one of which is 2. Daily life sucks...his hours are long, my days are boring, current events is too stress-inducing. I have a creative hobby that keeps me on the right side of sanity...but it's not really something I talk about with DH. I also struggle with anxiety and depression which adds a layer of complexity to the whole mess. Anyway...we had family in town for the TG holidays so got a couple date nights in and I'm almost amazed how much I like my DH when it's just the two of us and get to hang out without the pressures of kids and stuff. I'd love more date nights, but figuring out all the logistics (and ridiculous costs of babysitters in this damn city) to make it happen stress me out so we don't. Sucks, but so it goes. |
Anonymous
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Perhaps you could make a deal on date nights that 50% of the conversation time has to be spent on something other than kids? My husband doesn't mind me talking about our children, and we have had to devote an extraordinary amount of conversation to our child with special needs. Please do realize that special needs require a lot more effort on your part: not just money thrown at the problem, but brainstorming and plain old kvetching. Of course we talk about other things, but it's true the bulk of our conversation time is the kids right now. We talk about the house, about our budget, and about things that interest us as well: politics, medicine, technology, history, music, etc... |
Anonymous
I don't read it like that at all. He wants to have a conversation with her that's not kid focused. He wants to talk to his wife. Isn't that what women want? Not to be the mommy? To reconnect with our husbands? |
Anonymous
| OP here, I plan date nights, we have a babysitter at least twice a month. Kids are 9 and 7, not preschool. I understood the mental exhaustion in preschool. It hasn't let up. |
Anonymous
I agree. It sounds as if he wants his wife back, not a nanny (except if there is a hot nanny dynamic? no? Oh, then never mind). It is TOUGH being a SAHP. I mean, mentally and physically draining. Work was always much easier for me than taking care of small children. She needs to get out more. She should get a job/career. It doesn't matter if all it does is pay for childcare. It is for her mental health, and for the kids. And for you, OP. She will feel better about herself. Take her out on dates more (YOU do the arranging! YOU find the sitter!), go to a movie or play that you can then talk about. Read a book together |
Anonymous
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^^^^ The children are in school. She has a special needs child... which requires lots of energy, planning, doctors, therapist, etc.
I wonder why she needs to tell her H all this stuff, why is he not more involved, she would not have to fill him in so much, if he actually was involved. Take a more active role in what is going on and it won't be such a burden to your wife and you won't be so out of touch about what is going on with your children. You may want to ask advice in the SN forum instead of "relationships". Maybe look into private schools that can accommodate your child's needs so your wife is not taking on such a huge burden. |
Anonymous
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Options to consider:
Tell her it's time to return to the workforce so she can have something to mentally challenge her. Hire a nanny to help 3 days a week. Just go on care.com and hire a college girl to come every day from 2-6 to give her a break. Or just tune her out like most of us already know how to do. |