DH found his birth mother but...

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my DH sent a msg 18 months ago to his birth mother via FB (he has always known her name and she lives overseas in UK).
On Friday his half sister responded and said since the mom is not tech savvy, she had been cleaning out her inbox and found his message. So she also sent me a msg telling me who she was. After thinking about it over night, my DH responded and they have been sending messages back and forth. She also introduced him to his other half sister and he has been chatting online.

BUT he has not messaged directly with his birth mom, the sisters say she is still in shock and worried about rejection (even tho my DH has said he bears no ill will towards being adopted).

This raised some red flags for me that he has not spoken/messaged directly with birth mom at all since Friday. Is this normal or have I seen too many crazy catfishing movies?

Obviously, this is a very emotional time and we had a bit of an argument last night. I told him to be careful, he doesn't really know what is going on. He said I was being paranoid.

[Anonymous]

What could she possibly be scheming by not talking to him?

I can't imagine what you are doing here. Best to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

That would be some scheme -- waiting 18 months and then pouncing. Yeah, she sounds like a real pro.

[Anonymous]

Be gentle with your husband. But if your concerned, would he be willing to ask for half-sister to share some family photos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be gentle with your husband. But if your concerned, would he be willing to ask for half-sister to share some family photos?

OP here, yes I am trying to be kind, but this has really shaken my husband up. He stayed home from work today, he is so stressed.
They already sent us some family photos.

[Anonymous]

It's only been a few days. Sounds like sisters are being protective of mom. Maybe she's ill or has some memory loss issues. Or the sisters know if his mom has nerves/reservations about all of this. Has your husband asked directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only been a few days. Sounds like sisters are being protective of mom. Maybe she's ill or has some memory loss issues. Or the sisters know if his mom has nerves/reservations about all of this. Has your husband asked directly?

Husband has not asked directly...and only details we have been given is that she is not tech-savvy, so does not text/message but she is "over the moon" at finding him.
-OP

[Anonymous]

I usually don't advise going to therapy but in this case I think it will help your husband to navigate the situation. Especially if he's missing work over it.
There could be a multitude of reasons why the birth mother is not contacting him. He could be a product of a rape and she doesn't want to re-live that. She is bipolar or prone to depression and her daughters are protecting her. She could be an awful person who doesn't want to love her son. She could be a fragile person who doesn't know how or want to proceed with a relationship with her birth son. The possibilities are endless.
Please be kind to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually don't advise going to therapy but in this case I think it will help your husband to navigate the situation. Especially if he's missing work over it.
There could be a multitude of reasons why the birth mother is not contacting him. He could be a product of a rape and she doesn't want to re-live that. She is bipolar or prone to depression and her daughters are protecting her. She could be an awful person who doesn't want to love her son. She could be a fragile person who doesn't know how or want to proceed with a relationship with her birth son. The possibilities are endless.
Please be kind to your husband.

Or she, like many older people, is not tech savvy and doesn't text or email (even if she has an address).

Don't look for zebras when you hear hoofbeats.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing you could do is make your husband needlessly hostile and suspicious of his birth mother. What are your motives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst thing you could do is make your husband needlessly hostile and suspicious of his birth mother. What are your motives?

No motives...just very protective of husband who has completed his one year sobriety after a terrible 5 years of increasing alcohol issues.
I really don't want him to be set back by this.

[Anonymous]

Giving a child up for adoption is a very hard thing to do. I know because I did and when I did so, it was with the thought that this person was out of my life forever. Adoptees, I understand your curiosity, but women do not give up their children like we give away kittens. There is an internal wound that is deeper than any of you can imagine. We give up our children because we cannot, or do not have the means to, care for them. Respect this and leave us alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giving a child up for adoption is a very hard thing to do. I know because I did and when I did so, it was with the thought that this person was out of my life forever. Adoptees, I understand your curiosity, but women do not give up their children like we give away kittens. There is an internal wound that is deeper than any of you can imagine. We give up our children because we cannot, or do not have the means to, care for them. Respect this and leave us alone.

Also, the mom is British. Give her time. She is overwhelmed by apologies. In other language, she's transferring all of the guilt onto you and imagining you're upset with her despite her clearly-stated delight at having located you.

Space and patience. Therapy for DH would be a very good idea, ideally with a British therapist who would understand some of the cultural communication issues at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been a few days. Sounds like sisters are being protective of mom. Maybe she's ill or has some memory loss issues. Or the sisters know if his mom has nerves/reservations about all of this. Has your husband asked directly?

Husband has not asked directly...and only details we have been given is that she is not tech-savvy, so does not text/message but she is "over the moon" at finding him.
-OP

At this point, I would take their word for it until you have good reason to believe otherwise.

I'm an adult adoptee who found my birth family recently; they were ecstatic and extremely welcoming, etc., but it is very difficult to communicate with my birth mom because she is older and isn't tech-savvy at all. Your husband's birth mom also is probably dealing with a lot of emotions right now and everyone handles reunion differently.