Thinking of becoming foster parents
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Anonymous
| My husband and I are in our mid 40's with no children (to make a long story short, it didn't work out for us). We are thinking of becoming foster parents and if that goes well possibly adopting. Due to our ages and other factors, if we decide to go forward we most likely would be fostering older children. Because of the size of our house as well as our own limitations we would only be able to foster one child at a time. I'm curious to hear from others who have experience in this area. Thoughts? Things that we should consider? Both of us work full-time (and will have to continue working full-time). Our marriage is good but I have had lifelong problems with depression/anxiety (currently being treated with medication). In my heart, I want to do this but I'm scared. We just started the process of getting certified through our county DSS. |
Anonymous
| Just know that many of these kids come with their own baggage, mental health issues and more, especially if they are older, but it would be a wonderful thing to do. Many kids have strong family histories of mental health and substance abuse, which is why they were removed. Be prepared for the kids to need lots of mental health and educational services. It may be tuff to do all that and work full time on top of family visits. |
Anonymous
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Do you want a kid you know will stay? If so, look into Barker or Adoptions Together; each have programs to adopt older kids from foster care.
Be honest about what you can take on. I have a friend who only fosters older teens and it is great--they have all gone to school and had part-time jobs, and she has really enjoyed helping them launch into adulthood. It is not a typical parenting situation but it works for her family. If you're in the DC area, consider contacting DC127 or FAPAC and doing respite care to get a sense of what you can and can't handle. Ideally, you will have flexible jobs because even with the most easy kids they'll still have sick days, snow days, days off, court dates, appointments, days where you're gathering their school enrollment documents and can't send them, parent-teacher conferences, school plays, and more. I am an adoptive parent and my wife and I both work but it takes a lot of scheduling--and a good bit of grace from our employers. But it is good what you're doing. It's necessary. |
Anonymous
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If you have never had kids, and you do want to parent, I would suggest just going ahead and looking into infant adoption.
fostering is a very nice idea but I do not recommend to someone who has not parented before. |
Anonymous
| Do not foster if you can't handle it. My daughter's best friend is now on her 5th foster home in two years. Getting rid of a child because you can't deal with their issues should be near criminal. |
Anonymous
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I fostered an early elementary aged child in my mid-40s and eventually adopted him. It was hard in the beginning in terms of the adjustment. He had many placements before us and lacked a lot of "family" skills and experience because everything was transient. So, it felt like we had to teach him everything and that we were instructing him on things that by age 7 we think should be natural. A big part of our success was setting routines that we did not deviate from without a prior discussion. Either the night before or the morning, we would write every single thing on a dry erase board so he knew what to expect - really reduced the anxiety and behavior issues. It took years before he believed he was really staying even after the adoption, which was sad to watch because it must have felt so scary to him.
My son is now getting ready to graduate from high school and I have no doubt he is going to be a successful and productive adult. People are right - he came with baggage. But we worked through it. I feel really lucky that we have been able to be part of his life. |
Anonymous
Why don't you take her then? |
Anonymous
| Try networking with anyone you know who is a psychologist, social workers. If you are a good candidate for adoption there are people who will unofficially advocate with foster agencies to set up a good match. I know a child psychologist who works primarily as a court advocate for children who are wards of the court. He's frequently networks to try and match potential adoptive families with children. |
Anonymous
Because the best friend is a victim of severe sexual abuse and needs to be the only child in the home. And I have adopted two of my own from foster care, and one set of parents can only handle so much. |
Anonymous
That's reasonable. |
Anonymous
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You mentioned you both work full-time, will you have the flexibility to take of all the appointments that are required for a foster child? Doctor's, school, counselors, therapy....what will you do over the summer & school break? Just because the child is old enough he/she could be left alone, that may not be a safe option.
What about an organization like Big Brother/Big Sisters? |
Anonymous
God bless you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I second infant adoption. Have you considered going international? I know many success stories (China, Guatemala). |
Anonymous
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Hi OP,
Foster mom here. There are lots of grade school children who could use a great foster home. Sometimes I find that first time parents, while new, also give the most intense efforts because they aren't jaded or tired by prior parenting experiences, We have used a great aftercare through the Ymca. I think it's better quality than the Rec program offered at school (better ratio of teacher to student and more structure). They also offer camps for when school is closed which minimizes the time I have to miss for work. As for getting sick and doctors appts, yes those exist but if you are in your 40's this isn't news to you. Depending on the services needed, we've been able to get some services to come to our home or to the school. The hardest part will be all the X factors that nobody can tell you about including the placement worker. Most of the kids we've had have come with so little information or such superficial information that it was months before the real story worked itself out into daylight. Taking one child will help make things more manageable. Often siblings are placed separately due to intentional reasons (other siblings offending on them for example or a child offending on other siblings). Having an idea of what you can and can't do will help, but will probably also be moot as you won't know everything before you accept. My biggest prep advice is to have a room ready. Nest a little bit to the extent you can. Clean out the guest room, buy some kid toiletries (toothbrush is big). Nightlight and or lamp with dimmer switch is big as many don't like the dark. Alarm clock and calendar are helpful as it helps with orientation. School supplies are also great to have as most will not have theirs or will have never had them (pencils, paper, binder, crayons, markers, glue stick). Children's books that can reach a variety of ages are nice (like dr. Seuss). Even if they are older, most of my foster children have had lower reading abilities and can enjoy these types of books. You can't buy a lot of things until you know you have a placement coming, but it will be one less thing to do. I usually head to target right in advance of a placement (like hours before) and plan to spend $400-500. Most of that is clothing with a few size options (i.e. Underwear in a medium and a large) and then I return the one that doesn't fit the next week. CPS can usually tell me about what size, but this avoids dragging the new placement through target on top of everything else. Anyway, best of luck. It's not always the most fun, but it is rewarding. We keep in touch with the children that return home and continue to help support them in little ways. In some ways, that's been even better because we get to be the fun aunt/uncle and we don't have to worry about being "the parent". |
Anonymous
Beautiful story! |