Getting over someone - moving on

[Anonymous]

Anyone ever have an unrequited love interest they never got over, as in this person is someone you think about too much? It seems everything I've read suggests that eventually it dies down. It hasn't in my case. It's been years. I'm a single mom with no backup (divorced dad in another state) so it's not like I can socialize easily and find a replacement interest. I have no time to do that, or obsess about this guy, either. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered Therapy? It sounds like you are holding on to this person, for another reason. You might not actually even like this person.

[Anonymous]

Schedule time every month for you to go out and enjoy yourself. It's your "me time". Do you have friends, if yes, then schedule girls night out and put yourself out there. Look nice, dress fabulous and socialize with different people when you are out. Do you have any fun hobbies? Keep yourself busy with your hobbies. Sign up on Tinder to not necessarily meet anyone but for a confidence boost. You can do this! If all else fails remember there's over a billion of single men on earth no need wasting any more time on an ex.

[Anonymous]

You should use the time you are wasting on this unrequited love interest to get a real life. Just because you are a single mom doesn't mean you can't find time to get out in the world and meet other people. Did this unrequited love interest have anything to do with your getting divorced? Did your ex feel as though he'd never be #1? If the answer is yes then you have an obsession that needs to be dealt with professionally. Why waste time thinking about someone who you were never in a real relationship with - that the definition.

[Anonymous]

Intellectually you all make sense. Yes, never a romantic relationship. Met in another context and I was confused by my reaction, and I think I understand all the psychodynamic elements of why that happened then. There is such s disjunction between what I understand intellectually and the fantasy figure I've built up. I'm too busy -- and old -- for this.

[Anonymous]

If there is one thing I have learned from this forum is the best way to get over someone is to get under (or on top of) someone else.

[Anonymous]

I understand struggling to get over an old flame, but if it's someone you never had a romantic relationship/reciprocity with then I tend to think that it's an unconscious defense against opening your heart to something real. Meaning, there's some kind of secondary gain for you in holding on to this person.

I think it's important to open yourself up to new people, even if it's just a friendship. And try to focus on yourself a bit more (through activities, etc.) - I know that's hard as a single parent but it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is one thing I have learned from this forum is the best way to get over someone is to get under (or on top of) someone else.

Only thing that has worked for me is starting an emotional connection with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you just need to do some basic cognitive therapy on yourself. Whenever you start thinking of him, use a catch-phrase (like "stop it" or "don't go there") to tell yourself to stop. Just keep doing it every. single. time. And soon, you will get out of the habit of dwelling on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just need to do some basic cognitive therapy on yourself. Whenever you start thinking of him, use a catch-phrase (like "stop it" or "don't go there") to tell yourself to stop. Just keep doing it every. single. time. And soon, you will get out of the habit of dwelling on him.

+1 but it is important to ADD another behavior/thought...you have to redirect your mind. For instance, if you were to stop drinking alcohol at 5pm, you would not just stop drinking, you would subsitute grape juice or coffee at 5pm--basically do all the other ritualistic things besides the actual alcohol. And if you were giving up going to the bar, you might re-route your route so you don't drive by the bar everyday.

So for example, years ago, I had a crush on a boy in high school and his family owned a store, and he would work at the store at times. When I was in college, I'd have to drive by the store and get stuck at the light, and inevitably, I'd be looking to see if he was working. I could NOT get over this guy. I started driving on another road so as to stop getting stuck at that corner.

And btw, I had a law school ex-boyfriend that I could not get over. I can remember standing in a parking lot one day thinking, "Wow, 3 years ago, I was standing in this very parking lot, and I'd never even met Larlo, there was not one brain cell devoted to Larlo, and now I can't get over him." Anyways...it took me a long time (years) to get over him, but I did, OP, and you will too. I've now been crazy in love with my DH since 1996. I will tell you something, though. About every year or 6 months, Larlo pops up in a dream and I wake up thinking I'm in 1993 and he's been a jerk, and I feel terrible, then I realize it's 201x and I'm out of that relationship and so much better off.

I read a very interesting article about how all habits have a trigger (darn, it's called something but I forgot what, (a cue, maybe) so I'm calling it a trigger). The trigger, then the behavior. It's hard to stop the behavior without addressing the trigger. The trigger, though, is hard to stop. So you have to re-direct your trigger to some other behavior...takes a few weeks but it works.

[Anonymous]

In my early 20's I had a girl friend I was madly in love with and then for no reason she dumped me. I obsessed over her for a couple of years - almost borderline stalking but I never saw her again. Over time I fell in love with my current DW but couldn't help but periodically think about the old GF. A few years later I heard that she had had psych problems, likely due to a bitch of a mother, and got married two if not three times. Fortunately for her, the third time was a charm but sadly her husband died on 9/11. She died about ten years later. I got over her many years ago but you can't completely forget someone you loved only briefly. You have to put old relationships in the rear view mirror and get on with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my early 20's I had a girl friend I was madly in love with and then for no reason she dumped me. I obsessed over her for a couple of years - almost borderline stalking but I never saw her again. Over time I fell in love with my current DW but couldn't help but periodically think about the old GF. A few years later I heard that she had had psych problems, likely due to a bitch of a mother, and got married two if not three times. Fortunately for her, the third time was a charm but sadly her husband died on 9/11. She died about ten years later. I got over her many years ago but you can't completely forget someone you loved only briefly. You have to put old relationships in the rear view mirror and get on with life.

+1. You will never completely forget someone you love but through time have to develop the perspective that for a variety of reasons what was once a viable relationship ceased to be one and that there is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

OP none of the suggestions remove the love only dull the pain. Acknowledge it, but don't give it power and let it guide you. That's how I've managed it. Oddly enough, 10 years later the man has crossed paths with me again. Having peace allows me to not mess things up if there is a potential this time around.