20k engagement ring

[Anonymous]

Why did OP ask? Just to brag on an anonymous forum that he is rich? I don’t get it.

Either way, spending that much money on a ring is stupid. Maybe you can set money on fire at your wedding to show off your wealth for your guests?

[Anonymous]

Anecdotally, big rings seem to reflect one of these scenarios:

- GF demands material expensive possessions. Of my friends who got expensive rings because their GFs pushed for it, this ugly beast continued to rear its head through their marriage, with now-wife expecting cars, homes, vacations etc at the top of their budget. I've also seen it destroy marriages - and literally the first sign was an expensive ring.
- BF is financially OCD and controlling about family image. Extreme perfectionist who spends 1000s of hours researching the perfect ring, the perfect car, the perfect vacation. They have extremely rigid ideas about how to spend money and how to project to others their own perfection. This can also impact marriage down the road - his job is the family priority, he wants to project how financially awesome he's doing and puts tons of pressure on DW to quit and have more babies. I've seen this almost ruin a couple marriages.
- GF or BF is financially illiterate/irresponsible. And doesn't understand how this impacts lifetime savings. You say you have good savings/no debt. I find the typical 35 year old single guy who says that means they have a decent 6-figure income and $200k in savings and $200k in 401k. This doesn't mean you have "good savings" that you should spend on a ring. It means you have borderline appropriate savings for retirement or in case you lose a job or want to buy a house.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine, OP. Your friend is an ass and it’s weird that he asked. He should buy what he can afford. I don’t think $20k is that much if you have a high income and no debt for a piece of jewelry to last a lifetime. You’d be dumb if you went into debt over it or were broke for the next year over it. I think mine was around that price point and it’s just over 2 carats. The vast majority of my friends prob are between 1.5-2 carats. But know your social circle / work environment. If she’s a social worker or works with people not in the same income bracket it might be a consideration. in a white collar job in DC - no one blinks an eye. I once worked in a consulting job where I spent a lot of time visiting factories - left my ring at home.

Don’t overthink it. Congratulations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally, big rings seem to reflect one of these scenarios:

- GF demands material expensive possessions. Of my friends who got expensive rings because their GFs pushed for it, this ugly beast continued to rear its head through their marriage, with now-wife expecting cars, homes, vacations etc at the top of their budget. I've also seen it destroy marriages - and literally the first sign was an expensive ring.
- BF is financially OCD and controlling about family image. Extreme perfectionist who spends 1000s of hours researching the perfect ring, the perfect car, the perfect vacation. They have extremely rigid ideas about how to spend money and how to project to others their own perfection. This can also impact marriage down the road - his job is the family priority, he wants to project how financially awesome he's doing and puts tons of pressure on DW to quit and have more babies. I've seen this almost ruin a couple marriages.
- GF or BF is financially illiterate/irresponsible. And doesn't understand how this impacts lifetime savings. You say you have good savings/no debt. I find the typical 35 year old single guy who says that means they have a decent 6-figure income and $200k in savings and $200k in 401k. This doesn't mean you have "good savings" that you should spend on a ring. It means you have borderline appropriate savings for retirement or in case you lose a job or want to buy a house.

In my circle (professional grad school) most of the wives also make 6 figures. A ring may cost $20k but you’re also combining incomes / retirements / earning potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t think I would get so many rude comments about my finances. I have a high income and no debt. The 20k wasn’t much for me. I had been putting away money for a couple of months for the ring. It’s a very high quality slightly bigger than 2 carat round diamond with a solitaire band.

Is she a large person with large hands? 2ct is a pretty large diamond for daily wear in woman with average or smaller hands and not large framed.

OP here. She is petite with small hands. I don’t think it’s too big. Most of my friends wives have a similar carat size and are skinny. I’ve never heard about carat size being proportionate to body size.

I am tall but have short fingers and definitely wanted a smaller stone. Also didn’t want it to be gaudy. Ended up just over a ct and it’s perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t think I would get so many rude comments about my finances. I have a high income and no debt. The 20k wasn’t much for me. I had been putting away money for a couple of months for the ring. It’s a very high quality slightly bigger than 2 carat round diamond with a solitaire band.

Not saying it's a good use of money, but since you asked....20k isn't that much to spend on an engagement ring. AND it is quite unlikely to be "very high quality" for the price (a very high quality 2 carat stone would cost much more).

+1 mine was almost $20k and just over a carat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally, big rings seem to reflect one of these scenarios:

- GF demands material expensive possessions. Of my friends who got expensive rings because their GFs pushed for it, this ugly beast continued to rear its head through their marriage, with now-wife expecting cars, homes, vacations etc at the top of their budget. I've also seen it destroy marriages - and literally the first sign was an expensive ring.
- BF is financially OCD and controlling about family image. Extreme perfectionist who spends 1000s of hours researching the perfect ring, the perfect car, the perfect vacation. They have extremely rigid ideas about how to spend money and how to project to others their own perfection. This can also impact marriage down the road - his job is the family priority, he wants to project how financially awesome he's doing and puts tons of pressure on DW to quit and have more babies. I've seen this almost ruin a couple marriages.
- GF or BF is financially illiterate/irresponsible. And doesn't understand how this impacts lifetime savings. You say you have good savings/no debt. I find the typical 35 year old single guy who says that means they have a decent 6-figure income and $200k in savings and $200k in 401k. This doesn't mean you have "good savings" that you should spend on a ring. It means you have borderline appropriate savings for retirement or in case you lose a job or want to buy a house.

In my circle (professional grad school) most of the wives also make 6 figures. A ring may cost $20k but you’re also combining incomes / retirements / earning potential.

I'm the PP you're responding to, and me and DH both make a lot more than that. I'm not sure what your point is. Spending dumb money on a ring is still spending dumb money on a ring.

[Anonymous]

You have to live with the woman you will marry, not your friends. If she is horrified by the amount you spent or you feel financially compromised then it is a problem. DH spent a lot less on my ring than I wanted and because I needed that social validation as a young AA woman, that very wise financial decision led to a lot of resentment for years. We could have spent much more on a ring but had 10K more to put into our apartment. Of course, after two decades of marriage, I understand that the ring is a mere symbol. Ironically, now that DH would gladly spend what I would like on a ring, I have no desire for anything but cheap costume jewelry.

[Anonymous]

My ring cost 450 dollars, BTW.

[Anonymous]

My DH spent a lot of money on my ring, probably around 20k. I wear it every day and I love it. I am sure you GF will love the ring. Don't worry about it at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t think I would get so many rude comments about my finances. I have a high income and no debt. The 20k wasn’t much for me. I had been putting away money for a couple of months for the ring. It’s a very high quality slightly bigger than 2 carat round diamond with a solitaire band.

NP here, I thought 20K, assuming you can afford it, is decent amount to spend on a ring. If I had to put it in car terms it’s like the first car you buy with your own money being a new fully loaded Honda Accord. Nice quality, nice brand, not everyone can afford it for their first car by themselves, but it’s also not over the type flashy.

As for your friend saying it’s too much, next time someone asks, give a generic range for what it would cost. Like respond “if you want 2 carats you can spend between x and y depending on the 4cs.” I’ve had a co-worker like that who would want to know how much it costs for a home renovation that I just finished as though they were planning to do the same and get a ballpark. I would answer and then that information would be used for wow, you have so much money to spend on x or I can get y done for half that cost. In hindsight, if the purpose was truly to help them ballpark a renovation for themselves, it really doesn’t matter what I spent on it, it’s what they have to spend for the item and how easy or hard it may be to get what they want for that amount. I should have asked how much they budgeted for the similar renovation or their ballpark and gone from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t think I would get so many rude comments about my finances. I have a high income and no debt. The 20k wasn’t much for me. I had been putting away money for a couple of months for the ring. It’s a very high quality slightly bigger than 2 carat round diamond with a solitaire band.

Is she a large person with large hands? 2ct is a pretty large diamond for daily wear in woman with average or smaller hands and not large framed.

OP here. She is petite with small hands. I don’t think it’s too big. Most of my friends wives have a similar carat size and are skinny. I’ve never heard about carat size being proportionate to body size.

2 ct looks gaudy and ostentatious on small women. So which is it: your friends all have wives with 2 ct+ diamonds or your friends think you spent too much?

[Anonymous]

My husband spent $21k almost 15 years ago. I found out about it and told him no more jewelry. We were still paying student loans at the time and I thought it outrageous. It was very customary for his workplace/friend group however. Apparently he at least got a deal as it appraised for much more, though maybe that's common.

We are still happily married and I wear the ring daily. My other jewelry is fun costume jewelry.

I am surprised no one has mentioned younger people purchasing high-quality fake diamond rings. I totally agree the ring is an antiquated tradition and I would not want one to hold me back from a home purchase, having kids , retirement savings. But I'd personally go with a real sapphire or pearl v fake diamond.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that much. I spent almost 25k on a 1.5 carat ring. It’s a round diamond with high quality. Ideal cut, E, IF, and no fluorescence. It’s on a solitaire band. It’s a nice size without it being too big. She loves it. I could afford it. I wouldn’t worry about what others think if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that much. I spent almost 25k on a 1.5 carat ring. It’s a round diamond with high quality. Ideal cut, E, IF, and no fluorescence. It’s on a solitaire band. It’s a nice size without it being too big. She loves it. I could afford it. I wouldn’t worry about what others think if you can afford it.

That is a nice ring. Sounds like it was worth the price.