Signs a man will will be an equal partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Green flags:
1. Lives alone or with a roommate and the place is not a wreck.
2. Can cook.
3. Doesn't outsource every single thing (wash and fold, for instance) unless he has a crazy 80 hr/week job
4. Maintains good relationships with his family
5. Has close friends of both genders
6. Didn't have a SAHM (they can't help this one, but by observation and studies, it really matters to how they internalize whose "job" it is to handle all the grunt work)

+1

Number 6 is controversial, but MIL was a SAHM who watched tv all day, with a bunch of kids, and she didn't do much - she was checked out, was not a great (or even good enough) cook, made little effort (except to jump for FIL), and didn't have any identity other than FIL. I think bc she was exhausted of having to "wait on" FIL, who was consistently emotionally unavailable. Ultimately, it is about how the dad treats the mom, mutual respect (!!!) and what kind of example your potential husband had (in his parents), growing up.

I think that this is probably the best list posted. #6 is in the ballpark, but not exactly right. Rather than not being a SAHM, what is more important is the dynamics of the parents relationships. Men with mothers who played a more supportive or submissive role tend to assume that as a model for relationships in my experience. Often that is when the mother is SAH, but not always.

In some cases, the mother may always defer to the father, even if she has a job or career. In other cases the mother may be a SAHM but does not necessarily play a submissive role if she knows her worth and is an equal partner. And, I know this will be controversial because DCUM loves to judge people who have divorce in their families, but in my experience men who were raised by single women tend be equal partners and respect women.

DH met all of the above criteria an is an equal partner. I observed that his mother very diplomatically 'runs the show' of most things in his family and therefore DH and his brothers view women as equals and are comfortable with an equal partnership in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just saw a NYT article about working mothers during the pandemic, saw the thread about household work, and have many working mothers in my workplace. It seems like wives do so much more than husbands on average. I’m not married, and am just in the dating around phase (well, before Covid). If I want to get married to a man that pulls his weight with household and child tasks, what are some green flags? My parents were pretty equitable 60/40, and the only sign I could see as a early sign was that my dad’s mom worked outside the home.

I'm not sure there's any foolproof way, but if I had to do it again I think I would have insisted on living together for six months to a year as a trial period.

That won't apply with kids, but if you can work out what's what before you get married, then I think you are in a better position.

I let some red flags pass while dating (not housework, but anger issues). I should not have married my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One red flag is her personality. Any Type A perfectionist who has to have things done her way or it’s wrong is in for a long haul in this space.

Pay attention bitter man troll. This is a thread about people like you. Ladies, another red flag. Defensive and completely unable to accept fault; a lack of introspection and a horrible relationship with either parent. If they don’t do the work they will kick the can to everyone before actually picking it up and putting it in the damn trash can.

Why are you here?!?! Go away. You’re creeping me out, not interested today. Send the damn child support!

Pay attention, bitter woman troll. This is a comment about people like you. Folks, another red flag. Histrionic, shrill and misandrist; a lack of introspection and the possibility that women contribute to negative relationship dynamics. If they don’t do the work they will just blame, blame, and complain.

DP but this is the most unintentionally hilarious thing I've seen on here in weeks.

+1 & read the thread title

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early in our relationship, my husband cooked and cleaned. That continued when we had kids. I don’t know what the green flags are, but I’d say if you’re marrying someone who devotes a lot of time to hobbies and video games, that’s a tough thing to change when kids are in the picture.

I agree with this one. I know A LOT of women who do way more than their fair share of parenting because their partners have time-consuming hobbies they refuse to give up.

+1. With my husband it’s golf. He doesn’t cook or clean and I think he could be a more involved dad. That said, I’m a SAHM right now so I feel fine about our arrangement. Definitely a little worried about how things will shake out once I go back to work in a year. He had a maid growing up and has never lived alone, we got married at 25 and I always did most of the cooking and cleaning when we lived together.
Green flags to look for are someone who cooks and cleans (well, not just minimally and poorly) and someone who takes an active role in doing his share of work in other areas of life with you. Enthusiasm for kids is great but my husband loves kids and it turns out he doesn’t prioritize family time that well. For yourself, be able to directly ask for the help that you need. And remember, no one is perfect and love and respect can go a long way in helping you and your partner learn and grow. Don’t forget to acknowledge all the strengths your partner does bring to the table.

[Anonymous]

I should have looked for this specifically when I was dating but didn’t think about it. Luckily my DH is pretty good, although I wouldn’t say it’s 50/50. The main thing I think is that his mom worked, kept her name, and didn’t do much around the house for him. So he expects a woman to work and have her own identity, and to not do everything for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just saw a NYT article about working mothers during the pandemic, saw the thread about household work, and have many working mothers in my workplace. It seems like wives do so much more than husbands on average. I’m not married, and am just in the dating around phase (well, before Covid). If I want to get married to a man that pulls his weight with household and child tasks, what are some green flags? My parents were pretty equitable 60/40, and the only sign I could see as a early sign was that my dad’s mom worked outside the home.

If he makes less than you.

This is really the only answer.

+1 I was looking for this answer! Show me a man who does half of the work at home and I’ll show you the woman who is married to him and slightly resents that her best friend’s messy husband makes bank.