Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that op.
Years ago, my ex-dh informed me on the eve of our family's move to another city for a job promotion, that he did not want me or the children to follow him because he intended to begin a new life with an ap. It was devastating. The children and I ultimately stayed behind as ex-dh began his life in a different city, and he eventually went on to date many other women, and receded from our life. Ours had been a very long marriage (24+ years), during which time I was always faithful.
As a busy, essentially single mother I spent the first two years treading water to keep everyone healthy and adjusted. I barely had a moment to myself in those years, but when I did, I was so incredibly lonely and longing for the love and companionship of my partner.
My ex-dh refused to file for divorce for financial and professional reasons, as well as social appearances. I was too stubborn to file for a divorce I did not ask for, or cause, and I sincerely hoped my husband would return. Additionally I did not want to subject our children -- one of whom had a disability -- to the further instability of a contentious divorce process, and the potential sale of a house, change of schools, and move from the area. So for two years, though I eventually gave up wearing my wedding band, I made absolutely no attempt to date.
Then one day a wonderful, kind, good man whom I had met socially post-separation -- and who assumed I was divorced -- asked me out. I had longed for someone for so long by that point, and had been so good my entire marriage, that I readily and excitedly accepted his invitation without telling him I was still married.
We were compatible in many ways, and shared a lovely, exciting evening until I informed him that neither my husband nor I had filed for divorce (in response to his direct inquiry on the matter). Though I attempted to explain my particular circumstances, it did not matter, as he was a religious and good man who did not care to get involved with a married woman. I completely understood, as a religious person myself, when he said, "you should really file for divorce", and did not contact me again.
It was embarrassing for a person who had always done the right thing, the good thing, to know that I had so readily sought an extramarital opportunity that would have made me no better than my ex-husband. I cringe to this day imagining what that good guy must have thought of me.
I waited another four years, until my youngest child went off to college, before I finally filed for divorce. By that time I had waited six years of my life. And I never again did attempt to date until the divorce was final and the children grown up. I do sometimes wonder -- if I don't exactly regret -- what I may have missed out on personally. However the stability I was able to give my children, as well as the example of my personal morality by staying constant in the face of an abandoned marriage, was probably worth the personal sacrifice.
My advice, either file for divorce and live the personal life you want, or don't and stay faithful until your children go to college. Either choice is fine, but trying to have it both ways will leave you compromised at best.
Respect.
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