Just leave your SILs alone, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when there is a new woman that comes into the family, and they were not raised with the same dynamics and idiosyncrasies, it can b difficult for the new woman, that your brother chose and married. It seems that you might be threatened that those dynamics (likely favorable to you, questionably favorable to your brother) will be disrupted or questioned, or even "found out". I can see no other reason why you are so closed and defensive.

Why not show your new SIL that you are a warm, inclusive and caring family; and that you are not threatened by your brother's choice (likely very, very different than you!) and her mere presence? I can't imagine having your attitude and having it go well. And I certainly can not imagine being surprised about that, as you seem.

Huh? OP here. My SIL and I get along really well. I just noticed a weird dynamic with posters chasing after SILs who were either:
a) Clearly just not that into a close relationship
b) They are at odds for whatever reason.

So move on! Don't expect your SIL to braid your hair or seek your advice or text you every day. Just let her be. If you get along, great! If not, just be cordial and move on.

You are so right, PP. being a decent human being - and expecting SIL to "braid my hair" (sic) or be my best friend are the same thing. I can see why your SIL wants nothing to do with you. Grow TF up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many threads lately about cold SILs, aloof SILs, selfish SILs, etc. Do you people not realize that *you don't have to be best friends with your SILs?* News flash: just because your husband has a sister, does not mean she's going to be a superclose sister with you.

All you have to do is be polite and cordial and get along reasonably well. And if you two can't manage that, disengage and just LEAVE HER ALONE.

It is really that simple.

Sometimes you can't just LEAVE HER ALONE. I'd be fine if I never saw my SIL again, but that's not an option, as I imagine it isn't for most of the people who post about their SILs.

I would be much happier if I never had to see her ever again. Same with her mother.

She probably feels the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when there is a new woman that comes into the family, and they were not raised with the same dynamics and idiosyncrasies, it can b difficult for the new woman, that your brother chose and married. It seems that you might be threatened that those dynamics (likely favorable to you, questionably favorable to your brother) will be disrupted or questioned, or even "found out". I can see no other reason why you are so closed and defensive.

Why not show your new SIL that you are a warm, inclusive and caring family; and that you are not threatened by your brother's choice (likely very, very different than you!) and her mere presence? I can't imagine having your attitude and having it go well. And I certainly can not imagine being surprised about that, as you seem.

Huh? OP here. My SIL and I get along really well. I just noticed a weird dynamic with posters chasing after SILs who were either:
a) Clearly just not that into a close relationship
b) They are at odds for whatever reason.

So move on! Don't expect your SIL to braid your hair or seek your advice or text you every day. Just let her be. If you get along, great! If not, just be cordial and move on.

You are so right, PP. being a decent human being - and expecting SIL to "braid my hair" (sic) or be my best friend are the same thing. I can see why your SIL wants nothing to do with you. Grow TF up.

Again, some more. My SIL and I get along very well. Probably because I don't chase after her like a wound-up dog trying to slobber all over a disinterested cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

Did you ever stop to think the reason you're not close with your brother is oh I don't know...your brother?

Given how needy you are I can see why sil stays away.

So, having a close relationship with your brother for 30 years, then that changing to barely seeing/speaking to each other after he gets married/has kids and being sad about that = being "needy." Um, ok. You sound pleasant to be around. Let me guess, you're one of these women who married a guy and then wanted nothing to do with his family because they weren't your family and you didn't care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

If you have to mourn the relationship you imagined you would have with your brother's kids or your kids would have with his then that's on you for not considering your brother and his wife might want to raise their family in a way that doesn't fit with your fairytale dreams.

It has nothing to do with how they "want to raise their family that doesn't fit with my fairytale dreams." It's basic connection. When you're close with your brother well into adulthood, and you both grew up with a dynamic of being close with cousins and claiming to want the same for your kids, then suddenly he and family are never around (but have plenty of time for her family) then yeah it's not about my lack of consideration. Especially when it's not just me, but also our other siblings and our parents. But yeah, sure, it's MUCH more likely that all of us changed and became unpleasant at the same time, than maybe our SIL just basically being a selfish pita.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has borderline personality disorder and she and my brother fight like cats and dogs, to the point he lost custody of his kid, has been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital, and has been arrested twice for domestic violence.

The only reaching out to her that I do, is to give her resources for domestic violence.

Wait, so you are blaming your SIL for the fact that your brother is a wife beater???

[Anonymous]

Give them space and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also recognize your SIL loved your DH first. Try to understand her and respect that relationship but agree, you don't have to be best friends.

Or didn't. DH and SIL had a horrible relationship. She was awful to him growing up. When we tracked her down in Costa Rica after we got engaged -- she wasn't in communication with anyone -- to tell her the good news and work around her schedule of coming back in the US for us to plan our wedding, she decided that she'd write us a 3-page email on how miserable us getting married was making her and ended with "if her brother ever wanted a relationship with her again, he better not tell anyone about this email".

Some SILs are evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when there is a new woman that comes into the family, and they were not raised with the same dynamics and idiosyncrasies, it can b difficult for the new woman, that your brother chose and married. It seems that you might be threatened that those dynamics (likely favorable to you, questionably favorable to your brother) will be disrupted or questioned, or even "found out". I can see no other reason why you are so closed and defensive.

Why not show your new SIL that you are a warm, inclusive and caring family; and that you are not threatened by your brother's choice (likely very, very different than you!) and her mere presence? I can't imagine having your attitude and having it go well. And I certainly can not imagine being surprised about that, as you seem.

Huh? OP here. My SIL and I get along really well. I just noticed a weird dynamic with posters chasing after SILs who were either:
a) Clearly just not that into a close relationship
b) They are at odds for whatever reason.

So move on! Don't expect your SIL to braid your hair or seek your advice or text you every day. Just let her be. If you get along, great! If not, just be cordial and move on.

You are so right, PP. being a decent human being - and expecting SIL to "braid my hair" (sic) or be my best friend are the same thing. I can see why your SIL wants nothing to do with you. Grow TF up.

Again, some more. My SIL and I get along very well. Probably because I don't chase after her like a wound-up dog trying to slobber all over a disinterested cat.

YES, this. If my ILs would just give me some space and not try to sit in my lap, I would be more open to connecting with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year I found out why my sil hates me. She was hosting a special b-day dinner and invited me through my dh. I was clear that she had an issue with me, though I wasn't sure why, so I tried to politely decline. I didn't want her to feel obligated to invite me or for it to be awkward for anyone at the dinner. My dh insisted that his sister really wanted me there. I was polite and cordial and definitely played the background. After dinner was served, the sister went around the table to talk about why she had invited each person and what they meant to her. There were maybe 10 people total; her mom, an aunt, a couple cousins and a few friends. She left me for last and proceeded to glare at me and admit that she resented the fact that I "took dh from" her and that their relationship had been broken because of me and that he had been her everything and she was depressed and grieving, etc. I was so embarrassed and insulted. At the end of her little speech she raised her glass for everyone to join her in a toast to celebrating her birthday and her "truth". I told my dh that I was leaving and that he was welcome to stay. He got up with me and we left. She is hateful, rude and has no class. I am done.

hahahaha
i am sorry, but this is ridiculous on so many levels.. starting with the "special birthday" and then going around the table and giving speeches about everyone's significance. i feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Oh it starts well before the special birthday. There's just too much to type. I can't believe that she and my dh were even raised in the same household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when there is a new woman that comes into the family, and they were not raised with the same dynamics and idiosyncrasies, it can b difficult for the new woman, that your brother chose and married. It seems that you might be threatened that those dynamics (likely favorable to you, questionably favorable to your brother) will be disrupted or questioned, or even "found out". I can see no other reason why you are so closed and defensive.

Why not show your new SIL that you are a warm, inclusive and caring family; and that you are not threatened by your brother's choice (likely very, very different than you!) and her mere presence? I can't imagine having your attitude and having it go well. And I certainly can not imagine being surprised about that, as you seem.

Huh? OP here. My SIL and I get along really well. I just noticed a weird dynamic with posters chasing after SILs who were either:
a) Clearly just not that into a close relationship
b) They are at odds for whatever reason.

So move on! Don't expect your SIL to braid your hair or seek your advice or text you every day. Just let her be. If you get along, great! If not, just be cordial and move on.

You are so right, PP. being a decent human being - and expecting SIL to "braid my hair" (sic) or be my best friend are the same thing. I can see why your SIL wants nothing to do with you. Grow TF up.

Again, some more. My SIL and I get along very well. Probably because I don't chase after her like a wound-up dog trying to slobber all over a disinterested cat.

DP here. Got it, you are the cat. And you are never wrong or inaccurate. This much we know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also recognize your SIL loved your DH first. Try to understand her and respect that relationship but agree, you don't have to be best friends.

But, maybe brother didn't really care? You know, as most men just don't care that much? This is the case of my DH and his younger sister, DH was never interested or that friendly with his baby sister, his brother yes, there is more of affection there. She is also extremely needy. When MIL passed away, my DH, oldest was hit really hard with it, but it was all about SIL, how hard it is for her, because it was her mom....We all have to remember her birthday, but she hasn't called her oldest brother in over ten years to wish him a happy birthday. Some family members, regardless of gender, family connection, are just all about themselves. But, yes, for the most part just be cordial and all is good. It is none of my business if they get along or not, but I get along very well with her. And after 25 years, honestly she has no idea who her brother is. And luckily we don't live close at all. Last time she visited, I told my DH to stay at home and talk to his sister(while FIL and I took off) which I knew she really wanted. And when she did open up to him, he was so stunned.... that she told him all these things. Like it or not, many men, and many brothers are just clueless and/or don't care.

[Anonymous]

I also can't believe the pp who is "mourning" the loss of her brother.... when he got married! It is called living his life, you are living yours... did you mourn the loss when you got married? How are you losing your brother anyway? You sound like unhinged SIL that some of pp are posting about and the rest of us are then doubting that somebody can be that crazy, but you are the proof! No wonder any woman who married into this dynamic would be aloof to you. Who likes walking on hot coals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also can't believe the pp who is "mourning" the loss of her brother.... when he got married! It is called living his life, you are living yours... did you mourn the loss when you got married? How are you losing your brother anyway? You sound like unhinged SIL that some of pp are posting about and the rest of us are then doubting that somebody can be that crazy, but you are the proof! No wonder any woman who married into this dynamic would be aloof to you. Who likes walking on hot coals?

Absolutely! I am the pp whose sil had the special birthday. I struggle to understand how I am responsible for her grief. I mean, unless they had an incestuous relationship, which I am certain they did not, I didn't "take" my dh from her. My dh seems genuinely dumbfounded about his sister's behavior. I honestly think she's just jealous of me. At least that's part of it. I think she believes that my dh is kind of the perfect husband and father and that maybe I don't deserve that or she is unhappy because she has been unsuccessful at relationships. In any case, she has a serious problem and I will not entertain it ever again.