DH decided at 5 to go to HH last minute

[Anonymous]

I'm DW and DH works from home, so if anyone is going to HH it's me. I have for sure gone out for a spontaneous HH with little notice to DH, and sometime if everyone is having really nice time, things stretch into the night. It's not a big deal! I give DH a heads up so he doesn't think I'm dead in a ditch somewhere, but that's about it. He loves it - gets unfettered access to the TV to play video games for the evening. Everybody wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there's a middle ground. in my family it would be like this:

spouse A--hey, do you mind if I go to HH?

spouse B--sure, fine, should I wait for dinner for you?

Spouse a-yes, I'll be home by 7:30 or No, dont wait.

Spouse B--okay, text me before you leave

If, for some reason, 9 pm rolls around and spouse A hasn't come home? Spouse B--hey, are you okay? please let me know when you'l be home and take uber if you've been drinking.

Spouse b-sorry, leaving in 15 mins.

This isn't a good example of middle ground and in your example, you are more like OP than you think.

+ 1

A grown man must:
Ask for agreement
Establish a curfew
Call / text when en route home

Just put the ankle bracelet on him and make everyone happy.

No more than a grown woman. If you are fine with a married grown woman (with kids) announcing she is going to HH, not mention what time she is coming home and planning on coming in well after happy hour is over and doesn't appreciate if spouse does the cooking and is trying to figure out how much to cook or if he should wait ... all I can say is if you are a guy, there may be a single high earning lawyer you want to date. According to the other DCUM thread, guys can't handle woman that sont have lots of time for them and if they are in a relationship like that the woman won't respect him.

[Anonymous]

NP here. We have a good relationship that is based on mutual respect. My wife has no problem if I decide to go out with some friends after work. If this were to happen on a week night, it just means that the next night (or some night of her choice), I am responsible for dinner for the kids and myself (her choice if she wants to join us or go out) and bedtime for the kids. In other words, a trade, I get tonight, you get tomorrow night. She could pull the same stunt and text me that she wants to go out with a friend, so I have to come up with dinner plans (if I don't have time to cook, then I can take the kids out) and put the kids to bed. It means that I get tomorrow night off. If it were on a Friday or weekend, then she would get her pick of morning afternoon or evening either Saturday or Sunday to leave me with the kids and responsible for meals. When I get home, she'll let me know when and what she'll be doing and I get to plan around that. Otherwise, we pretty much co-parent and share responsibilities.

We tend not to do things outside the family too often, but we're very flexible when we do want to do something and we make sure that we balance it out with the partner getting time off to do what they want.

Since we have young kids, if one of us wanted off for happy hour, it would mean they were not joining kids and the other parent for dinner. Our kids are not going to wait until after happy hour for dinner, so it means that parent is on their own for dinner.

[Anonymous]

^^ PP here. You should re-read what I agreed with.
There is a difference between announcing/volunteering info vs. being pissy and requiring it as a standard operation. I'm a female, and there is no double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. We have a good relationship that is based on mutual respect. My wife has no problem if I decide to go out with some friends after work. If this were to happen on a week night, it just means that the next night (or some night of her choice), I am responsible for dinner for the kids and myself (her choice if she wants to join us or go out) and bedtime for the kids. In other words, a trade, I get tonight, you get tomorrow night. She could pull the same stunt and text me that she wants to go out with a friend, so I have to come up with dinner plans (if I don't have time to cook, then I can take the kids out) and put the kids to bed. It means that I get tomorrow night off. If it were on a Friday or weekend, then she would get her pick of morning afternoon or evening either Saturday or Sunday to leave me with the kids and responsible for meals. When I get home, she'll let me know when and what she'll be doing and I get to plan around that. Otherwise, we pretty much co-parent and share responsibilities.

We tend not to do things outside the family too often, but we're very flexible when we do want to do something and we make sure that we balance it out with the partner getting time off to do what they want.

Since we have young kids, if one of us wanted off for happy hour, it would mean they were not joining kids and the other parent for dinner. Our kids are not going to wait until after happy hour for dinner, so it means that parent is on their own for dinner.

Sounds fair enough to me.

[Anonymous]

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

For real. Unless by small kids, they mean rabid raccoons. If that's the case, yeah, I'd be pissed that DH left me alone to deal with that. Human children that I produced? I'm a competent adult. I got this. Same as him, when I travel or have a night out.

[Anonymous]

well happy hours are 5-7pm max so he should have mentioned later it got upgraded to dinner or a game, etc.
I assume you don't have kids, then planning is a must or someone gets dumped on last minute.


If I was at HH and it went past 7ish? I would definitely just check in and let my spouse know... it's really just common courtesy. But i will be damned if I will sit there waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we didn't have plans my DW would be fine with me going to HH with co-workers. But at 9 she would be concerned that 4 hours of HH might result in diminished driving skills or that something had already happened. She would be right to be concerned but being irate and pissed is ridiculous. I would likely have called or texted at around 7 or so to say I'd be late. Or, she would likely have texted at 8 asking if I was OK. Both approaches are very normal. But sitting home at 9 venting on DCum is childish.

100% agree with this. Also, I don't understand why she didn't just go ahead and eat if she was hungry! Be self-sufficient!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there's a middle ground. in my family it would be like this:

spouse A--hey, do you mind if I go to HH?

spouse B--sure, fine, should I wait for dinner for you?

Spouse a-yes, I'll be home by 7:30 or No, dont wait.

Spouse B--okay, text me before you leave

If, for some reason, 9 pm rolls around and spouse A hasn't come home? Spouse B--hey, are you okay? please let me know when you'l be home and take uber if you've been drinking.

Spouse b-sorry, leaving in 15 mins.

This isn't a good example of middle ground and in your example, you are more like OP than you think.

Sure it is. Key difference here: spouse A checks in to see if the behavior is an inconvenience. OP's spouse simply announces that he is going out, and does not communicate that he won't be home to eat.

No this reads like an exchange between a parent and their teenage child.

A healthy example of how adults communicate with each other is given at 21:12.

If spouse is not cool with them staying for happy hour for some reason say the baby is super colicky and the toddler has suddenly come down with a bad case of the runs, spouse could respond with. Could you skip tonight, the kids are sick and I could really use your help managing tonight?

Or do you think you'll be in by 9 I was looking forward to "time together" tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you are waiting.

for dinner. I guess I'll go ahead and make it.

This is just ridiculous.

I truly hope you don't have kids.

I understand wanting to eat together and planning meals, but waiting around to feed yourself for 4 hours is silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

Single and military parents do it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

Single and military parents do it all the time.

And parents of multiples do it all the time. For us, when the kids were infants, we slept in shifts so that we could each get a realistic amount of sleep. We both had some travel that the family did not go on when the kids were toddlers and preschoolers. Agreed that it is much easier with two parents, but after a few months, both parents should be able to take care of the kids without the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

Single and military parents do it all the time.

Right because the other partner is out happy hour'ing it up for 5 hours. Yeah.

I don't think ability to take care of the children at the last minute is up for debate, the expectation of returning home at night or what time, is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because it leaves one parent to do bedtime duty. If they have small kids, that's a job that requires all hands on deck

One person can do it

Single and military parents do it all the time.

And parents of multiples do it all the time. For us, when the kids were infants, we slept in shifts so that we could each get a realistic amount of sleep. We both had some travel that the family did not go on when the kids were toddlers and preschoolers. Agreed that it is much easier with two parents, but after a few months, both parents should be able to take care of the kids without the other.

Parent of multiples here and while yes, I can take care of my children on my own, it's a lot easier with another pair of hands. So while my spouse and I don't mind if the other goes to an occasional happy hour, we don't usually spring that on one another at the last minute, and we do try to trade off getting nights out.

Pre-kids, though, a last-minute happy hour was fine.