Will I regret missing my child's first day of kindergarten for a work trip? wwyd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an employer, if I drop a thousand bucks on a conference fee, plus another couple grand on hotel, airfare, and meals, I expect my money's worth. Leaving a conference early for something other than a serious emergency doesn't go over so well in some circles.

Funny - over nearly twenty years as a parent, I know I've missed my fair share of "important" events, even a birthday here and there. The only one that sticks out though is the first time I missed a Halloween. Not sure why that one ranks up there, but then Halloween is a big deal in my house. I doubt my kids even remember though.

I gather most of the people posting here are parents of little kids and don't have the perspective that some of us who have been there, done that, might have.

Oh come on 'employer' OP isn't talking about missing the conference but a networking event the last afternoon.

OP said this:

Anonymous wrote:I can return the evening before K starts for my only child, but it means missing out on an extra afternoon of networking with people that rarely are all in the same place.

I've never been to a conference or set of meetings that ended with a networking event, so it sounds like she's not too put out about missing whatever else is going on (like the morning meetings before the round of golf or whatever it is?). If you can't commit to the conference, don't go.

Almost every conf I have been too ends with a networking lunch or dinner.
Also while I stay to the end of conferences, I am one of the few. It is a multi-day event. She is not talking about missing half the event, just one event at the end. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't get the memo. Is this the expectation now? That every parent has to be present for every arbitrary event. First day of school? Yes. But is the first day of every school year important? Since the kid isn't changing schools it seem the equivalent of starting 2nd grade. I think it can be missed.

And how can everyone on here just dismiss the networking event as not important. They don't know her profession, her situation, the nature of this conference, what organization this is or really anything. Plus the OP said that she thought it was important. How can all the people on here know better than the OP about her own situation.

You're never going to be able to convince me that one afternoon of networking can make or break your career. And that mindset generally will lead to missing a lot of moments.

The question essentially comes down to, 'am I ok missing out on what will probably be a minor work opportunity or am I ok missing out on what will probably be a minor parenting moment?'

In this case I'd say the parenting moment is medium/small sized and the career moment is small sized so I'd pick kid. If it was some giant presentation OP had been working towards her whole career I'd say pick career. If it was an interview for a new position that was going to get her family a significant raise, then pick the interview. But if you generally prioritize 5 hours of networking over an important moment with your kid then I think you're probably the kind of parent that will end up with a kid that feels like their second fiddle.

Both your career and your relationship with your kid are a culmination of 1000 little decisions you made to show up for one or the other, and sometimes you have to choose. This is why its a myth that you can have it all. IMO this seems like an easy version of that choice, the work gain small, the kid gain big.

I absolutely agree with this, and come out on the other side. You career is also the culmination of a 1,000 moments. First day of kindergarten means more to parents than kids. I feel like we are in the era of parenting for show or for our own personal experience.

I believe I said that the career was also a culmination of 1,000 moments. I'm not saying that first day of k is THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT EVER. But miss enough moments like 'first day of k' and you do some damage. And when you're missing a moment for one afternoon o day drinking with people you don't even know then in that particular choice making scenario I think coming home a night early is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost every conf I have been too ends with a networking lunch or dinner.
Also while I stay to the end of conferences, I am one of the few. It is a multi-day event. She is not talking about missing half the event, just one event at the end. Geez.

I realize I'm nitpicking, but she said she would come home the night before, and miss the afternoon networking event. So what is going on that morning?


And obviously I have different experiences since networking events at every conference I've attended occur near the beginning or midway through, since no one would attend such an event on a travel day at the end.

[Anonymous]

I'm not getting this at all. My kids rode the bus to K. Someone needs to see them off, hopefully a parent.

They're adults now, and not a one of us remembers the first day of K. For that matter I don't remember my first day of K either.

[Anonymous]

I'm not getting this at all. My kids rode the bus to K. Someone needs to see them off, hopefully a parent.

They're adults now, and not a one of us remembers the first day of K. For that matter I don't remember my first day of K either.

+1 Teacher here. I could never see my kid off for the first day because I had to be at my school working on the first day. Am I or my child irretrievably "damaged"? No. I was able to go to all his baseball games, head up his chess club, be a Cub Scout den mother, go to his band concerts, attend his graduations, etc.

In the grand scheme of things, the first day of school is not the biggest in my book (especially since he had attended preschool). If your child has never been away for school, then yes, this is a pretty big deal. OP, you have to decide if this is one of the "big deal" days in your lives or not. For us it was not.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- My bosses missed it and while they felt terrible it was no big deal. Parents will be there for so many meaningful moments, it's the quality time you spend that matters. Please don't beat yourself up, this is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you are concerned about this tells me that you are a great parent. It is clear that you have been there and plan to be there as much as you can for your child's life events. So, given that you are this type of person, you have to weigh the professional commitment to the conference and decide. If you decide to go, don't beat yourself up. You are a great and loving parent!

My mother could not come to many of my events as a child and I love her tons. I know why she couldn't come and I know she wanted to be with me, but would have lost income and we could not afford that. I love her all the more for what she did to make my life better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Reschedule the trip. You may not care, but your kid probably will. Trust me.

Even if they do not now, they will remember later. To say what is often said - on their death bed,nobody wishes they had worked more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an employer, if I drop a thousand bucks on a conference fee, plus another couple grand on hotel, airfare, and meals, I expect my money's worth. Leaving a conference early for something other than a serious emergency doesn't go over so well in some circles.

Funny - over nearly twenty years as a parent, I know I've missed my fair share of "important" events, even a birthday here and there. The only one that sticks out though is the first time I missed a Halloween. Not sure why that one ranks up there, but then Halloween is a big deal in my house. I doubt my kids even remember though.

I gather most of the people posting here are parents of little kids and don't have the perspective that some of us who have been there, done that, might have.

We all have our priorities. You've clearly got yours and are comfortable with them.

Maybe it's possible to prioritize your family and still think it's not a big deal to miss this. So much judgement. I guess it is DCUM though.

It's not judging to note someone's priorities. Plenty of people put their career first, and they and their families are fine with it. The poster seemed very comfortable with the choices made over a twenty-year period. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an employer, if I drop a thousand bucks on a conference fee, plus another couple grand on hotel, airfare, and meals, I expect my money's worth. Leaving a conference early for something other than a serious emergency doesn't go over so well in some circles.

Funny - over nearly twenty years as a parent, I know I've missed my fair share of "important" events, even a birthday here and there. The only one that sticks out though is the first time I missed a Halloween. Not sure why that one ranks up there, but then Halloween is a big deal in my house. I doubt my kids even remember though.

I gather most of the people posting here are parents of little kids and don't have the perspective that some of us who have been there, done that, might have.

We all have our priorities. You've clearly got yours and are comfortable with them.

Maybe it's possible to prioritize your family and still think it's not a big deal to miss this. So much judgement. I guess it is DCUM though.

It's a fact of life that there are only so many hours in a day, and no one gets to have it all. Priorities have to be made, and some people are much more career-oriented than others. Something I've really admired about the Obama family is that they chose to have her mom live with them and provide loving consistency.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wow, thanks for all the responses. I read them all and got something out of most of them, except maybe the one who said I just wanted to post the first day of K on Facebook. If you knew me you would laugh at that idea. I haven't updated my Facebook in a few years. The grandparents might like the photos, but if I'm not there my husband will handle it.

Anyway, I am actually surprised that so many of the responses were in favor of coming home. I thought I'd be called foolish for being sentimental about it. It actually helps me feel more valid on my desire to skip out and be home. Most people I work with don't have kids, or have kids that are grown and out off the house, so iy haven't gotten to hear the involved parent side of things.

The work event is more like a series of invite-only meetings attached to a larger event in the same city. I'm speaking on the second to last day. The profile of the speakers rises as the event goes on as I understand it, more like a negotiation where the underlings set the stage and then the heavy hitters come in at the end. I'm not in it for prestige or money. My career is more of a "make a difference in the world " kind of thing. So for that reason I feel extra guilty about skipping out; it feels self indulgent.

Thanks all for giving me some points to ponder. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just speaking to my therapist about this issue. Do you remember who was at your first day of K? Who dropped you off? I don't. If you are there, it will be for you, not for your kid. He won't care.

I don't like this particular reasoning. I'm not saying first day of k makes or breaks anything all by itself but while your kid won't remember who was there the first day of K, their relationship with you at 15 is build by all the moments they can't remember that you proved they were important to you.

+100!!