Would you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 46 years old when I was told that my "father" was not my biological father. Apparently my biological father didn't want to have anything to do with my mother and/or with me. My true-life situation sounds very much like your hypothetical one. I am furious that no one told me earlier. I haven't had any serious health issues, but that's not to say I never will. I am ignorant of 50% of my genetic makeup. I also have 3 children to consider. I can't tell them anything about their paternal linage.

Lots of people don't have this information so if this is your biggest reason as to why you are mad, it's silly and a trumped up reason.

I don't think the PPs concerns are silly or trumped up at all.

I have a hereditary type of cancer that means my children have to be very careful to watch for warning signs. It is very important information, and becomes more important with age. Knowing who you are or aren't biologically related to is important.

I don't know, OP, but my guess would be that those who work in this field (therapists) would probably advise that the truth is usually what people want. Honesty is usually the best policy.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Wouldn't want to know. No good can come from it.

[Anonymous]

Are you the mom? If marriage splits could your DH say something? Tell,your dd. alone, then together, then siblings.

[Anonymous]

Do other relatives or friends know? Then she should know. Not exactly the same , but my BIL had a kid with another woman before he was married and the only people in our huge family who don't know are the kids. That's not fair. Also, anybody could let it slip at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Wouldn't want to know. No good can come from it.

+ 1

Why the need to tell unless something is looming on the horizon - eg - inheritance, health issues, bio father wanting to connect, child wanting to find out or some relative wanting to tell?

In the place of the parents, if the child found out and questioned why it was not told to him, I would say that because we never thought of the kid as someone elses. /

As a child - I would never ever want to know.'

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

OP why the heck would you have put on a charade for 20 years? Should have been clear early on - this is your Father but not biologically. Now? You destroy the girl's identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 46 years old when I was told that my "father" was not my biological father. Apparently my biological father didn't want to have anything to do with my mother and/or with me. My true-life situation sounds very much like your hypothetical one. I am furious that no one told me earlier. I haven't had any serious health issues, but that's not to say I never will. I am ignorant of 50% of my genetic makeup. I also have 3 children to consider. I can't tell them anything about their paternal linage.

Lots of people don't have this information so if this is your biggest reason as to why you are mad, it's silly and a trumped up reason.

I don't think the PPs concerns are silly or trumped up at all.

I have a hereditary type of cancer that means my children have to be very careful to watch for warning signs. It is very important information, and becomes more important with age. Knowing who you are or aren't biologically related to is important.

I don't know, OP, but my guess would be that those who work in this field (therapists) would probably advise that the truth is usually what people want. Honesty is usually the best policy.

All kinds of cancers with some exceptions (methsiothelioma from asbestos) are hereditary in nature BTW.

[Anonymous]

I had a child with someone I had no business having a child with...I have no intention of keeping this a secret from my child. We all make mistakes in life...own them! I think it's cowardly to keep such a secret from a child. Mine is still way too young, so they wouldn't even understand anyway but I do intend to tell.

[Anonymous]

This was almost exactly what happed to my father. He learned the truth at 35, when he had cancer, needed a bone marrow transplant and his father contacted his biologocal father and told him to have himself and my dad's half siblings tested.

Anyway, it explained a lot of things but it did my dad is no less close to his parents or siblings because of it. In fact, he is his father's favorite and his pride and joy. And yes, he was glad to know.

[Anonymous]

PP here - that should say it did not affect my dad's relationship with his parents. I do think he would have preferred to know sooner. Finding out under the circumstances he did (stage III, very serious form of cancer and in the middle of treatment) was poor timing.

[Anonymous]

I would like to know.. (maybe)
but if I knew I would like to keep it a secret from my siblings. They don't need to know. It will be a secret mom, dad and I to have..

I was going to mention this . . . that this should be the child's information from this point onward and the child should be the one to decide who else is privy to the information.

Also, does this child look substantially different from the other two siblings. My brother's wife had this exact situation and sort of "figured it out" when she was a teenager and started asking her mom questions. At that point her mother basically lied to her. She later found out the truth and her relationship with her mother suffered greatly. She continued to have a wonderful relationship with her (nonbiological) father until he died.

I think you should tell the child (after consulting a therapist).

As for biology and health issues, I think that DNA testing will become commonplace in future health care (for everyone). So the issue of knowing your biological parents will become moot. At least I hope this happens since we have an adopted child and we do not know who the biological father was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your responses, please keep them coming.

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. You wouldn't have the same health issues as the dad who raised you.

The dad and his family are pretty healthy, so the child will not be concerned about anything false positive. The bio father's family health is unknown anyway, since he is not in the picture and no one is in touch with him, and he has no desire to be contacted. The mom tried to discuss his family's side health story with him when she became pregnant, and he didn't answer any questions at that time. So if somebody reaches out to him 20 years later, it's very unlikely he would want to talk about anything and most likely will deny the entire story and fatherhood.

Knowing that the bio dad will not be contacted or answer any questions, I vote no. It will only create a huge heartache where none existed before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All kinds of cancers with some exceptions (methsiothelioma from asbestos) are hereditary in nature BTW.

This is false. Only 5-10% of breast cancers are hereditary.