Would you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Please imagine yourself as a 20 y.o. college student who was raised in a good, caring family by the parents who have been happily married through your entire life. You have 2 younger siblings. What you currently don’t know is the fact that your dad is not your biological father. Your biological father broke up with your mom when she became pregnant, and your dad was your mom’s friend at that time, started supporting her, they built romantic relationships and got married shortly after your birth.

Your dad’s name has always been on your birth certificate. Your biological father has never been in the picture, he moved to a different country, and your family moved to a different country as well. None of your family’s current neighbors and friends knows the story. Your siblings also have no clue that you are only half-related to them.

Would you want your parents to ever tell you about your biological father or would you rather live your life never learning about that? If you want to know, is it a good time to find out at 20 or later in life, when you are more settled?

[Anonymous]

I vote for never, as long as there is no chance of finding out inadvertently. Or I suppose if that happens, Mother and Father should both act surprised. I can't see any good coming of this, although I'm sure many people will say the child has a right to know. Maybe, that doesn't make it a good idea. What's the point? It's potentially very upsetting and can have far too many ramifications.

[Anonymous]

yes, i would want to know and I'd want to be told now (at age 20) rather than later.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know. You wouldn't have the same health issues as the dad who raised you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote for never, as long as there is no chance of finding out inadvertently. Or I suppose if that happens, Mother and Father should both act surprised. I can't see any good coming of this, although I'm sure many people will say the child has a right to know. Maybe, that doesn't make it a good idea. What's the point? It's potentially very upsetting and can have far too many ramifications.

yeah but the question wasn't 'what should i do' it was 'would you (as the 20 year old) want to know'

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to a therapist about the best way to approach it. But yes, I think you need to tell them now.

[Anonymous]

Yes i would want to know.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not telling this kid...

[Anonymous]

I would not want to know.

But I think it's a parents' obligation to tell, because you don't know what the child would want and it is their information to know. They might wish they didn't know, they might be glad they know -- but it is unethical for someone else to make that choice for them.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know and 20 is as good a time as any to find out. Most people are mature enough at age 20 to understand the situation that led to the family arrangement. If you don't think the 20 year old is mature enough, then wait a few years but don't take it to your grave.

[Anonymous]

I am adopted And have known that since I can remember. I would want to know.

BUT it needs to come from her parents. Not from bio dad or anyone else who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote for never, as long as there is no chance of finding out inadvertently. Or I suppose if that happens, Mother and Father should both act surprised. I can't see any good coming of this, although I'm sure many people will say the child has a right to know. Maybe, that doesn't make it a good idea. What's the point? It's potentially very upsetting and can have far too many ramifications.

yeah but the question wasn't 'what should i do' it was 'would you (as the 20 year old) want to know'

Let me clearer since you were unable to derive the response out of "I vote for never"

NO.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your responses, please keep them coming.

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. You wouldn't have the same health issues as the dad who raised you.

The dad and his family are pretty healthy, so the child will not be concerned about anything false positive. The bio father's family health is unknown anyway, since he is not in the picture and no one is in touch with him, and he has no desire to be contacted. The mom tried to discuss his family's side health story with him when she became pregnant, and he didn't answer any questions at that time. So if somebody reaches out to him 20 years later, it's very unlikely he would want to talk about anything and most likely will deny the entire story and fatherhood.

[Anonymous]

This isn't 100% analogous, but my entire childhood I thought my maternal grandfather (whom I am very close to) was biologically related to me. When I was 21 (and randomly sitting in the airport with my dad), my dad explained to me that my biological grandfather died in a car crash when my mom was around 4, and my grandmother married my grandfather a couple years later. It only made me love my grandfather more, and see what a wonderful man he is. I think finding out at that age was fine since I was adult enough to understand what everthing met, and didn't feel like my whole understanding of my mom's life was a lie.

That said, I've never been able to talk to my mom about it (more than 10 years later). In your case, if I was in the child's shoes, I'd want this info to come from my mom, and then set up a time for the three of us (mom, dad and child) to talk about it. Also talk about who this information should be shared with - the information about my grandfather is only something I share with people who are very close to me.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I'd want to know.