What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died 7 years ago. My family (DH, two small kids, dog) moved in with my 80 yo mother when we moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. My kids are super close to their granny, she has adult company, DH and I have third parent, we all kind of enrich each other's social lives by bringing different friends into the mix. Really, really great. I'm always surprised that more people don't have their parents move in with them, or vice versa, particularly when there's just one.

We thought of that, but my mom's not local and did not want to move here (uprooting herself, expensive housing) and frankly we've found we all do better with a little space.

[Anonymous]

My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died 7 years ago. My family (DH, two small kids, dog) moved in with my 80 yo mother when we moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. My kids are super close to their granny, she has adult company, DH and I have third parent, we all kind of enrich each other's social lives by bringing different friends into the mix. Really, really great. I'm always surprised that more people don't have their parents move in with them, or vice versa, particularly when there's just one.

My mother was a verbally abusive chain smoker. Not ever an option for her to live with us.

MIL and I get along if we are cautious with one another. Living together would be tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

Early 50s = "relatively" young, seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We plan to do it the Murkin way: Put them in a facility until their money runs out and the switch to a Medicaid place.

I don't know what a Medicaid place is like. Are they o.k. or scary?

Let's just say you won't get the very best level of care. But with regular assisted living/nursing care costing as much as $7,000 a month, it's out of reach for many people.

Some are good and some aren't. Kind of like low cost childcare. There are many high end places that are much better, but only take cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

Early 50s = "relatively" young, seriously?

NP

That's pretty young for people who are grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died 7 years ago. My family (DH, two small kids, dog) moved in with my 80 yo mother when we moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. My kids are super close to their granny, she has adult company, DH and I have third parent, we all kind of enrich each other's social lives by bringing different friends into the mix. Really, really great. I'm always surprised that more people don't have their parents move in with them, or vice versa, particularly when there's just one.

You are lucky to have a happy family. A lot of people don't. My MIL has 3 kids and NONE of them want her to move in with them. 1 of them won't speak to her. She's currently living in senior housing in Oak Park and is in good health. Eventually, she'll have to go into a home. No one can live with that woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

Early 50s = "relatively" young, seriously?

NP

That's pretty young for people who are grandparents.

My parents were highscool sweethearts, married right out of college at 22 and had me at 27. I'm now 25 and married with 1 child. It really isn't all that crazy.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting thread. My parents are 92 and almost 92 with my Dad seeming like an 82 year old with golf three or four days a week, polka game and having volunteered weekly for Habitat in Naples area for 20 years till age 90. My Mom having had the eight children really slowed down after she gave up driving at age 85 and now has the Mild Cognitive Impairment. My folks still go between Cape Cod and Naples, but the Christmas trip back for 2 weeks was too hard on my Mom. Basically, though able to afford what they need, they had complaints about every tiered kind of community shown last year. They will bring folks in - hard to see them doing it when they will not even allow a cleaning person to come in. So for them it will be a health care crisis and probably both going to hopefully the same physical care system.

It is too bad when folks who can afford options do not take the opportunity to do so. For those of you who are writing about elderly parents, be sure you have the conversation with your husband or think about options for yourself if single. Long Term Care insurance and/or disability insurance should be a part of future planning.
We happened to get a wonderful policy in our late 50s. the issue with us is that we have a our youngest age 30 who has a disability living with us and so could not exercise the use of it as far as going to a tiered or assisted living setting as needed because there are age limits if we could afford for her to go, too. The push now adays is for those with a disability to "age in place," but advocates seem to forget the reality is that parents also age out and there is no sensible alternative in a care system for the Disabled Adult - but not senior age - Child.

There has never been any issue with parents coming into our home for care as we have a first responsibility to her.
I will say that we got the LTC because options for our daughter are limited and LTC does cover in-home assistance, adult day care programming as well as assisted and other kinds of care, and it may be our only option.

Currently my four brothers who are all dentists will have the primary responsibility for planning for the folks when a crisis comes. I am out of the area and having been future planning for 30 years in different ways, I can only get frustrated knowing the unnecessary stress on all concerned which lies ahead simply, especially on the folks. I think if there is one thing I would say is to suggest to parents to plan now to be able to control as much as possible the care they would like to receive AND balance it out with what adult children can handle day-to-day as well as financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

Early 50s = "relatively" young, seriously?

NP

That's pretty young for people who are grandparents.

My parents were highscool sweethearts, married right out of college at 22 and had me at 27. I'm now 25 and married with 1 child. It really isn't all that crazy.

DH and I are in our early 50's and our children are in HS. It isn't all that crazy for that either.

[Anonymous]

Was your dad a dentist? How did all four go into the same field?

Anonymous wrote:

Very interesting thread. My parents are 92 and almost 92 with my Dad seeming like an 82 year old with golf three or four days a week, polka game and having volunteered weekly for Habitat in Naples area for 20 years till age 90. My Mom having had the eight children really slowed down after she gave up driving at age 85 and now has the Mild Cognitive Impairment. My folks still go between Cape Cod and Naples, but the Christmas trip back for 2 weeks was too hard on my Mom. Basically, though able to afford what they need, they had complaints about every tiered kind of community shown last year. They will bring folks in - hard to see them doing it when they will not even allow a cleaning person to come in. So for them it will be a health care crisis and probably both going to hopefully the same physical care system.

It is too bad when folks who can afford options do not take the opportunity to do so. For those of you who are writing about elderly parents, be sure you have the conversation with your husband or think about options for yourself if single. Long Term Care insurance and/or disability insurance should be a part of future planning.
We happened to get a wonderful policy in our late 50s. the issue with us is that we have a our youngest age 30 who has a disability living with us and so could not exercise the use of it as far as going to a tiered or assisted living setting as needed because there are age limits if we could afford for her to go, too. The push now adays is for those with a disability to "age in place," but advocates seem to forget the reality is that parents also age out and there is no sensible alternative in a care system for the Disabled Adult - but not senior age - Child.

There has never been any issue with parents coming into our home for care as we have a first responsibility to her.
I will say that we got the LTC because options for our daughter are limited and LTC does cover in-home assistance, adult day care programming as well as assisted and other kinds of care, and it may be our only option.

Currently my four brothers who are all dentists will have the primary responsibility for planning for the folks when a crisis comes. I am out of the area and having been future planning for 30 years in different ways, I can only get frustrated knowing the unnecessary stress on all concerned which lies ahead simply, especially on the folks. I think if there is one thing I would say is to suggest to parents to plan now to be able to control as much as possible the care they would like to receive AND balance it out with what adult children can handle day-to-day as well as financially.

[Anonymous]

Yes he was, and the remarkable thing is that all are actually good at what they do... Our parents do not realize that even to bring in care someone has got to be responsible to see how things go because by that time usually neither parent is up to doing it. Again with us planning "a retirement for three," I can supply the information as I am used to researching, but thankfully reside well out of the area so will not have the pressure of their direct care details. For those with young adults with a disability, it is hard enough to fathom what the future may hold even with two interested sisters.

I think what I would say to those who are responding on this board about their parents - think now also about what you can do for your children:

- Make it a priority to at least get a will and guardianship of all minor children in place.

- Once the first child reaches age 18, then set up any guardianship of younger children with relative+the child over 18 if that is one's choice.

- In any scenario always a good idea to have two levels of folks appointed because life happens to all and the original person(s) may not be able to do it.

- Consider disability and or LTC insurance at some point in terms of your financial future planning as I can't tell you just how many of our close friends and we are a bit over 60 have one or two parents alive between 90 and 103. Our grandchildren have 3 living great-grandparents - crazy....

- Also important to get the Power of Attorney and Medical Health Care Directive in place, too.

- In my opinion except for maybe a 529 plan, it is not a great idea to have assets in any child's name given the aspect of disability planning with a 5-year look-back for Medicaid or for college financial packages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are relatively young (early 50's) and have a very solid retirement plan in place that will see them financially comfortable for as long as they both live. My mother has MD and will eventually no longer be able to walk so my sister and I both bought houses with walk-out in-law suites in the basements and have them renovated to be wheelchair accessible so she and my dad will be able to live with either of us if they need it. If either of my parents ever need long-term care we will have nurses come into our home to care for them.

I'm very involved with getting my grandparents care planned. They recently downsized into a nice size home that has no stairs so that they will be able to (hopefully) age in place with nurses coming in as needed. My mother and I went with them and talked to an elder law attorney to make sure their will was updated, and to create medical directives, POA's and a trust that will protect their assets in case one (or both) of them end up in long-term care.

My DH's mother is another issue unto herself. She's in her mid 60's, is financially secure and currently has no health issues - which we hope will continue. That being said she is also verbally abusive (to DH, me, and her grandchildren) and very manipulative. She will NOT be coming to live with us. If she reaches a point where long-term care is needed then she will be put into an appropriate elder care facility.

You are hilarious!

????

Early 50s = "relatively" young, seriously?

NP

That's pretty young for people who are grandparents.

My parents were highscool sweethearts, married right out of college at 22 and had me at 27. I'm now 25 and married with 1 child. It really isn't all that crazy.

I don't think it's crazy, but it is relatively young for grandparents. On the other end of the spectrum are people who have a kid in their mid 30s and their kid has a kid in her mid 30s. That could easily put a grandparent in his/her into the mid-seventies by the time the first grandkid hits kindergarten.

Younger grandparents are a good thing.