What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have long-term care insurance so that should take care of a lot of the day to day stuff. All of my siblings are located near my parents so I'd probably make myself available as the on-call sub - fly out once or twice a year for a few weeks to take care of my parents full time and coordinate those weeks with my sibs to give them a break when they need or want it most. Whereas, my siblings would probably have more on-going but part-time duties.

They've arranged their finances responsibly though so I don't anticipate a lot of costs related to late-age care that we'd be responsible for. My ILs though will need financial support and we're planning for that.

I respect and admire those of you who provide for your parents financially in their old age.

How do you do it?

In our current situation, DH and I could not do this without compromising our own retirement, or our kids' college funds, or both. Moreover, DH is partially disabled and we are doing what we can to plan for his long-term needs.

How do people do this without compromising their own needs (and thus passing this problem along to their children)?

Well, our situation is somewhat unique. ILs live abroad, healthcare is cheap, domestic help is cheap. We can support them as needed while they stay in their home country. If one of them needs or wants to come stay with us, it would depend on medical expenses - we could house them just fine but if they have a very expensive complicated medical issue, we may not be able to afford shouldering that and they wouldn't be eligible for medicaid. In that case, we'd make them as comfortable as we can while they stay in their home and we'd visit more often and split up the responsibilities with SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I wonder if a live in Home Health Aide would be cheaper - free room/board in exchange for care + stipend. Not sure how that would work..

Wouldn't you still have to comply with minimum wage laws? I imagine it would be like a nanny -- live-in doesn't end up saving you a lot of money on labor costs.

[Anonymous]

They move in with us...it will be difficult, but that is the only sane solution.

[Anonymous]

Our parents all went quickly. It's my brother I'm worrying about. He's in poor health and on disability, divorced, and estranged from his children. I read all these threads about aging parents and I'm wondering if I'm going to have to deal with these problems with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

I worry about this. My parents lived paycheck to paycheck for many years, so I'm sure they don't have nearly enough in savings to get them through retirement. Especially if they begin to face major health issues (definitely possible with my Dad) and/or need longterm care. At least my mom is still working fulltime and probably will be able to keep working, maybe even through the next decade. Plus, my parents are currently dealing with the consequences of my Mom's parents' reluctance to prepare for longterm care needs. I'm hoping that experience prompts them to evaluate their own situation...

My husband and I already know we will have to help support both my parents and several of his relatives (not his parents at least--they are set). It's just a question of when and what we will be able to afford now that we are about to have kids of our own.

[Anonymous]

One set of parents is fine-- should have more than enough money. We actually pay the premium on a LTC insurance policy for the other set. I have some doubts about how worthwhile that is but hopefully it should provide some options if we need it.

[Anonymous]

PP here to PP 16:59: we are in the same boat with my husband's sister. She is on welfare and is in terrible health already (in her 40s), plus has three adult or nearly adult children who will be making minimum wage for the rest of the their lives (and also have health problems). We already help them out and will almost certainly need to do more down the road. I don't begrudge them the help at all, but our financial situation isn't as great as it used to be due to defense budget cuts, etc. So I pray everyone stays healthy long enough for us to set aside what we will need.

[Anonymous]

Just FYI, assisted living around here will run you at least $6,000 a month. Plan accordingly!

[Anonymous]

They got longterm healthcare when they were 60 yo so the wouldn't be a burden.

[Anonymous]

For the people saying their parents have longterm care insurance. How much does it pay out? I have heard from a few friends who have gone through this is that the longterm care insurance doesn't cover even half of the actual costs. Do you parents have other funding for the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Living it out now. To my parents' credit, they bought a long term care insurance 20 years ago when they were in their early 60s.

My dad was diagnosed with a dementia ten years ago and has been in a progressive decline that required multiple hospitalizations and now a long term care facility where he's been for a year.

My mother is living alone, by choice, back at their home and is able to do so precisely because their long term care insurance is comprehensive enough that she can easily and comfortably live there. They also met with a financial planner and an attorney and made detailed funeral/burial plans, guardianship, medical directives, financial arrangements, basically all the preplanning a person could do.

My ILs have zero plans, not even a will. I predict a giant mess and long ago told my DH that we will never have our parents live with us.

My parents had a rock solid long term plan- but really when it came time to use it, it covered very little in the way of 24 hour home care and almost nothing in a facility at the end. Q: what is it covering for your Dad now and how much out of pocket now that he is in a facility?

I was unsuccessful in getting them to consider a continual care type setting when they were older but fairly healthy. I still think that is the best plan- and many of these places are wonderful. When my father did need to go to a facility for round the clock care and dementia- it was 13K a month. Who has that kind of $$? They did--but it would not have lasted that long. He died within a few months of entering.

My mother did. For years she lived on Social Security and a small ($500/mo) pension, not touching the savings she accumulated as a secretary. (She did not go to college and did not work until I was 13yo. She was not a rich woman by any means.) By then, the principal was about $1.2M and we used the income and some of the principal to pay for her assisted living community, which was about $10k/month. She lived for another ~4 years and still left something to her kids.

Save, save, save.

Oh man. I mean, that is great she had the money for that . . . but . . geez, sounds like she sure didn't live/enjoy much when she was healthy! So tricky - how to strike a balance? I mean, that 13K/month care when you have dementia is really not a very good $$/happy times ratio. I'd rather be dead! Key is how to know when to check out . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Living it out now. To my parents' credit, they bought a long term care insurance 20 years ago when they were in their early 60s.

My dad was diagnosed with a dementia ten years ago and has been in a progressive decline that required multiple hospitalizations and now a long term care facility where he's been for a year.

My mother is living alone, by choice, back at their home and is able to do so precisely because their long term care insurance is comprehensive enough that she can easily and comfortably live there. They also met with a financial planner and an attorney and made detailed funeral/burial plans, guardianship, medical directives, financial arrangements, basically all the preplanning a person could do.

My ILs have zero plans, not even a will. I predict a giant mess and long ago told my DH that we will never have our parents live with us.

My parents had a rock solid long term plan- but really when it came time to use it, it covered very little in the way of 24 hour home care and almost nothing in a facility at the end. Q: what is it covering for your Dad now and how much out of pocket now that he is in a facility?

I was unsuccessful in getting them to consider a continual care type setting when they were older but fairly healthy. I still think that is the best plan- and many of these places are wonderful. When my father did need to go to a facility for round the clock care and dementia- it was 13K a month. Who has that kind of $$? They did--but it would not have lasted that long. He died within a few months of entering.

My mother did. For years she lived on Social Security and a small ($500/mo) pension, not touching the savings she accumulated as a secretary. (She did not go to college and did not work until I was 13yo. She was not a rich woman by any means.) By then, the principal was about $1.2M and we used the income and some of the principal to pay for her assisted living community, which was about $10k/month. She lived for another ~4 years and still left something to her kids.

Save, save, save.

Oh man. I mean, that is great she had the money for that . . . but . . geez, sounds like she sure didn't live/enjoy much when she was healthy! So tricky - how to strike a balance? I mean, that 13K/month care when you have dementia is really not a very good $$/happy times ratio. I'd rather be dead! Key is how to know when to check out . . .

Actually she had a nice life. She traveled a bit, visited us, enjoyed her condo in Florida. She was very responsible, a planner. I think it gave her peace of mind. I know it gave me peace of mind.

None of us really has the option to check out. Therefore we have to save and plan. It is the responsible thing to do.

[Anonymous]

My father died 7 years ago. My family (DH, two small kids, dog) moved in with my 80 yo mother when we moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. My kids are super close to their granny, she has adult company, DH and I have third parent, we all kind of enrich each other's social lives by bringing different friends into the mix. Really, really great. I'm always surprised that more people don't have their parents move in with them, or vice versa, particularly when there's just one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died 7 years ago. My family (DH, two small kids, dog) moved in with my 80 yo mother when we moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. My kids are super close to their granny, she has adult company, DH and I have third parent, we all kind of enrich each other's social lives by bringing different friends into the mix. Really, really great. I'm always surprised that more people don't have their parents move in with them, or vice versa, particularly when there's just one.

That sounds like a happy home. Your children are so lucky to have an active grandparent involved in their lives.

[Anonymous]

You can seldom plan. In our case the well-parent died first. He was the youngest of all 4. Two that now remain are in their 90's. Do not feel like you HAVE to have a plan. Life is unpredictable. Trust in yourself - in your decision making power - that when it counts, when the need is there, you will handle it. Enjoy your parents. Don't take on too many burdens. If you have reasonable siblings, count your blessings and build on that relationship. You will need each other with it is time.