MIL upset with the 1st BD invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

You have been raised in the "everybody gets a trophy" period. She thanked the people that helped her. That isn't setting up a tier system. It's thanking the people who were helpful. If you weren't helping, you don't get credit or thanks. You didn't earn it. The timing and place was weird, but her thanks was not. If MIL perceives herself as "singled out," and was embarrassed, maybe she should help out more in the future.

Thanking MIL for help that she didn't give would be 1) false and 2) butt-kissing. MIL sounds like a holy terror. I'd apologize to keep the peace and then avoid the bish as much as possible.

PP,, no I was not. I was raised in the you earned a trophy when you do well period. I think it's ridiculous to award attendance. Publicly declaring those people who were helpful BEFORE the event is setting up the tier system. If you can't see the difference between thanking family and friends after some event or at some milestone vs thanking them when inviting them to an event where traditionally gifts are given, then I reiterate that you are almost as clueless as OP. She set the standard by which she would measure the family for the upcoming birthday party, essentially telling them that if they didn't deliver the goods in birthday gifts, that they would be lower class family members. That's just crass.

What she should do is thank the helpful family members directly and in private. Making public declarations of your appreciation to a subset of your audience when not all of them contributed equally, and highlighting how they contributed unequally is obnoxiously rude. If she sent out a normal birthday invitation, then sent out a group thank you after the party, noting those people who contributed extra effort and time, that would be different. It would still be inappropriate to send it publically, but then many of us would feel like you did that it was a minor faux pas. Sending all this out on the invitations for the upcoming birthday party is masking an obnoxious gift grab and challenging the less helpful family members to do better for better recognition.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP has posted a single reply yet, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

You have been raised in the "everybody gets a trophy" period. She thanked the people that helped her. That isn't setting up a tier system. It's thanking the people who were helpful. If you weren't helping, you don't get credit or thanks. You didn't earn it. The timing and place was weird, but her thanks was not. If MIL perceives herself as "singled out," and was embarrassed, maybe she should help out more in the future.

Thanking MIL for help that she didn't give would be 1) false and 2) butt-kissing. MIL sounds like a holy terror. I'd apologize to keep the peace and then avoid the bish as much as possible.

PP,, no I was not. I was raised in the you earned a trophy when you do well period. I think it's ridiculous to award attendance. Publicly declaring those people who were helpful BEFORE the event is setting up the tier system. If you can't see the difference between thanking family and friends after some event or at some milestone vs thanking them when inviting them to an event where traditionally gifts are given, then I reiterate that you are almost as clueless as OP. She set the standard by which she would measure the family for the upcoming birthday party, essentially telling them that if they didn't deliver the goods in birthday gifts, that they would be lower class family members. That's just crass.

What she should do is thank the helpful family members directly and in private. Making public declarations of your appreciation to a subset of your audience when not all of them contributed equally, and highlighting how they contributed unequally is obnoxiously rude. If she sent out a normal birthday invitation, then sent out a group thank you after the party, noting those people who contributed extra effort and time, that would be different. It would still be inappropriate to send it publically, but then many of us would feel like you did that it was a minor faux pas. Sending all this out on the invitations for the upcoming birthday party is masking an obnoxious gift grab and challenging the less helpful family members to do better for better recognition[i].

This just seems WAY too hyper-sensitive and paranoid to me, and MIL is really over-reacting. Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity.

If family members find the invitation obnoxious and a gift grab, they should quit throwing a hissy fit and decline the invitation. "I'm sorry that we are unable to attend" is a perfectly polite way to show discomfort with a host.

In my book, a hissy fit like this is as bad as any behavior you are attributing to OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you also planning on making a thank you speech at the party, using a microphone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe your MIL an apology ASAP. Shame on your husband for letting you treat his mother that way.
I am a MIL and you are a nightmare DIL.

I am a DIL and you sound like a nightmare MIL.

Nice try, OP.
some day those little boys of yours will marry someone just like their mom.....a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Poor OP.

Causing a flurry on DCUM. This too shall pass.

Pretty minor gaffe, all in all. Your only faux-pas was that you were not discreet. You need to let your resentments fester in private, dear.

Apologize to your husband for sending out gauche invitations in both your names.
Don't say anything at all to your MIL: after all, if she didn't do anything to help, why on earth would you thank her, just so that she wouldn't feel left out? Ridiculous. She totally deserved it.

This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a teachable moment toots. You were wrong. Own it. Make your OWN apologies...not through your errand boy husband. And while you're at it, apologize to him. And please stop counting on your villiage to support your life. Trust me, independence feels good and is really good to model for you children.

[Anonymous]

OP,
are you sure you didn't want to rub it in her face? because that's what it sounds like! I mean who does this?

[Anonymous]

Either you are socially dumb or very passive aggressive. Never single people out, dumb, dumb, dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Poor OP.

Causing a flurry on DCUM. This too shall pass.

Pretty minor gaffe, all in all. Your only faux-pas was that you were not discreet. You need to let your resentments fester in private, dear.

Apologize to your husband for sending out gauche invitations in both your names.
Don't say anything at all to your MIL: after all, if she didn't do anything to help, why on earth would you thank her, just so that she wouldn't feel left out? Ridiculous. She totally deserved it.

This makes no sense.

I think this poster thinks she is E. Jean

[Anonymous]

What have YOU done for your siblings/parents/in-laws or are you the one that's always taking?