Can I tell my DD she can't dance in the upcoming recital?

[Anonymous]

Dad here. If my kid struck out every time at the plate, I sure as hell would not pull him out after he went to practice and did drills in the backyard all spring.

At this point you need to decide how you are going to parent.

Are you going to praise your child for doing her best? Or will you only praise her when she succeeds/wins?

Obviously you know which lesson is the right one. She did her part, which is to practice at class and at home. Suck it up your embarrassment and do the right thing.

And btw if she can't do the dance, then she probably has some development left to do and the last thing you want to do is to give her a reason to stop working at it.

[Anonymous]

Agree with those who say the girl's feelings need to be considered. Not sure how some PPs are saying the girl loves to dance, wants to be in the recital, etc. I didn't see anything like this stated by OP. Maybe she hates dancing, the mom forced her to take the class, she is sick with dread about the recital. We do not know.

It does sound like this will be the girl's first recital, at age 9, whereas some others in the class may have been dancing since age 3 or 4. That could account for the difference in skill level. If it's true that the girl is very new to dance, OP could ask if she feels comfortable being in the recital and in the front row, or would like to wait until she's had more practice like the other girls. Maybe even at 9 she is still oblivious and innocent, and all seems absolutely fine to her, in which case I would let her go ahead. OP, you could praise her for learning so much in less than a year and working so hard. Probably you are noticing many more flaws in your daughter's performance than anyone else will, because their eyes will be riveted on their own DDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.

OP here and wow this is great advice and I only wish I had had it weeks ago. The class has ended. There will not be another one and the recital is next week.

We have practiced with the music at home many times. I have watched and encouraged her at home for months now. Clearly dance is not her thing or at least group dance is not. The problem is not when she is dancing alone its when she is dancing with the group.

To put this in context of how bad it is, my DD is in the front row of girls. Instead of facing forward, she turns her whole body almost all the way around and watches the steps of the girls behind her, then turns around forward and does the steps but of course she is now off and when she turns back around the other girls have moved so that one is coming towards her - this is how the collision happened.

For the music teacher - I appreciate what you are saying a music performance is much different from dance. You can easily suck in a larger group music performance and no one will know. Trust me - I did 4th grade band and couldn't play a note and no one was the wiser.

I have decided to not say anything about the recital and just go as planned but I will not watch her performance. She won't know the difference (big auditorium) and this will keep me from making any critiquing remarks and allow me to just image the best performance ever in my mind.

OP, it's unlikely your daughter doesn't already know on some level of consciousness how you feel about her dance performance. If you think you've managed to completely hide your feelings from her, you're wrong. She knows, and to a certain extent, her awareness is having a negative effect on her performance.

I'm not going out on a limb here with this - you're describing a very typical parental issue, and this is how it tends to work. You're converting your daughter's experience into a "you" issue. Her learning/development experience isn't about you and how you feel, though. Problem is, that's difficult for a child to understand, especially when the parent doesn't understand. So the child ends up internalizing this skewed perspective, and then other problems ensue.

Nobody loves getting criticized for their parenting, especially considering how much time & effort you expend as a parent, day in and day out. -NO question about it, parenting is the hardest job in the world. But it sounds like you have a fantastic opportunity here to make some adjustments so you'll get the chance to enjoy the other side of parenting, which makes it the most rewarding job in the world. At least for a few minutes, until the next parenting challenge/crisis.

[Anonymous]

I just don't get this overall - why is the girl in the front row if she's truly awful? THe teacher would certainly make adjustments.

It could have just been a bad practice, and perhaps your being there made her nervous?

I really do think this is the mom's issue, not the daughter's. Just enjoy. Let her have fun. Don't be highly critical. Just love the daughter you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get this overall - why is the girl in the front row if she's truly awful? THe teacher would certainly make adjustments.

It could have just been a bad practice, and perhaps your being there made her nervous?

I really do think this is the mom's issue, not the daughter's. Just enjoy. Let her have fun. Don't be highly critical. Just love the daughter you have.

If the child is subjected to moms criticism in everything she does, this could definitely be a possibility. Poor thing was probably trying so hard to please her mom
she couldn't concentrate on what she should be doing.