Surviving the holidays: hacks and confessions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your little nips, tucks and shortcuts—white lies and lies of omission—that get you through hosting family, or visiting family?

1) Garage drinks: I have a bottle of Baileys and a bottle of sangria that I keep in the garage. Here and there, I’m filling up my “water cup” with this or that.

2) I have so many small errands to run! Just kidding, I’m fully prepared, but I’ll drive around and look at lights by myself or listen to an audiobook in my car for awhile.

3) The day after Christmas, I’m “visiting a friend from out of town who is staying in Columbia.” Just kidding, I’m going to a spa in Columbia for a three-hour treatment.

I don’t see the need to lie and 2 and 3. The first is the behavior of an alcoholic.

Agree. Everyone can tell you are filling up your cup with "water." LOL They are talking about it behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We no longer host. Simple.
We do our own thing as a nuclear family for the holidays.

Less stress and mess.

This. We make plans to meet with friends at public events or restaurants. No more extended family chaos. The holidays take any dysfunction and add steroids.

OP please tell me you don't combine hidden drinks with driving to your errands. Also, my friend who is an alcoholic and has done rehab over a half dozen times started out that way-having a stash for coping with stressful visits. If they drive you to secretly drink, it's not worth it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't worry about anyone else's happiness anymore. I make the food I can exercute that most people can reasonably enjoy eating, and I don't worry if someone shows up and announces they don't eat xyz anymore. If people are late I don't push things back for them. If they don't love their gifts (after insisting to us that adults need to exchange gifts), oh well.

The family wouldn't get together if I didn't host everyone (including out of town overnight guests) so I let myself off the hook for a lot. I put my young kids first.

I'll take this a step further. If you are super fussy about food and need a completely different menu, I'm just not inviting you. I'm not set up to be a restaurant and can barely manage a large family meal. Maybe I'd feel nicer if it's a kid with food allergies, but no, in my family it's adults with eating disorders parading as "gluten free" or low carb or selectively vegetarian. I now invite like this: "We're having prime rib, twice baked potatoes, popovers and sauteed mushrooms- would you want to come over for Christmas? If not, no worries, we'll see you in the new year!"

We also only exchange presents with kids, not adults.

I am the person you are replying to, and agreed. Food allergies or a medically restricted diet would be cheerfully accommodated. Boomer almond moms who are now almond grandmas with an always-changing diet can sit at the counter with a bowl of hummus if they don't want pasta for dinner. I just make sure to get those people snacks like fruit and string cheese and I don't worry about what kind of crazy thing they suddenly aren't eating this year.

How sexist to assume only women pull this. My friends husbands are jerks who don't know how to act and I hate hosting them for a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friendly dog is never invited to in laws house. My SIL takes her dog though, it’s small and mine is large.
After about 4 hours though we have to leave to get back to our dog, so it’s a blessing really.

We are all crying for you. The pain you must feel.

FFS, this dog stuff is unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't worry about anyone else's happiness anymore. I make the food I can exercute that most people can reasonably enjoy eating, and I don't worry if someone shows up and announces they don't eat xyz anymore. If people are late I don't push things back for them. If they don't love their gifts (after insisting to us that adults need to exchange gifts), oh well.

The family wouldn't get together if I didn't host everyone (including out of town overnight guests) so I let myself off the hook for a lot. I put my young kids first.

I'll take this a step further. If you are super fussy about food and need a completely different menu, I'm just not inviting you. I'm not set up to be a restaurant and can barely manage a large family meal. Maybe I'd feel nicer if it's a kid with food allergies, but no, in my family it's adults with eating disorders parading as "gluten free" or low carb or selectively vegetarian. I now invite like this: "We're having prime rib, twice baked potatoes, popovers and sauteed mushrooms- would you want to come over for Christmas? If not, no worries, we'll see you in the new year!"

We also only exchange presents with kids, not adults.

I am the person you are replying to, and agreed. Food allergies or a medically restricted diet would be cheerfully accommodated. Boomer almond moms who are now almond grandmas with an always-changing diet can sit at the counter with a bowl of hummus if they don't want pasta for dinner. I just make sure to get those people snacks like fruit and string cheese and I don't worry about what kind of crazy thing they suddenly aren't eating this year.

How sexist to assume only women pull this. My friends husbands are jerks who don't know how to act and I hate hosting them for a meal.

I am describing my own experience. I am not assuming anything about anyone else's experience. That's what this thread is about- people's own experiences with the holidays.

[Anonymous]

We went out of town the week of Thanksgiving and enjoyed a nice vacation -- no cooking involved. We are eating out at nice restaurants for XMas Eve and Xmas. No grocery shopping and no cooking = No stress for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes clueless people needed to be treated like clueless people. Every year my BIL does something super annoying.
--One year he brought a years worth of junk mail to go through and filled all my trashcans. No problem, I just asked him to help me empty them.
--Last year he brought bunch of expired snack foods to our house. Like 200 pieces. I told him just to leave in his car, unless he had some moon pies, which he didn't.
--This year he brought all his laundry. He is 68 years old married to my sister not some young bachelor. I told him, only laundry in the afternoon with so many showers in the morning taxing our smallish hot water heater. He complied. Clueless.

You are to be commended for your practical tolerance. This is sitcom-worthy funny-annoying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So much holiday misery boils down to assigning your own happiness a lesser value."

Great line.

👏🏻👏🏻

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We no longer host. Simple.
We do our own thing as a nuclear family for the holidays.

Less stress and mess.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes clueless people needed to be treated like clueless people. Every year my BIL does something super annoying.
--One year he brought a years worth of junk mail to go through and filled all my trashcans. No problem, I just asked him to help me empty them.
--Last year he brought bunch of expired snack foods to our house. Like 200 pieces. I told him just to leave in his car, unless he had some moon pies, which he didn't.
--This year he brought all his laundry. He is 68 years old married to my sister not some young bachelor. I told him, only laundry in the afternoon with so many showers in the morning taxing our smallish hot water heater. He complied. Clueless.

You are to be commended for your practical tolerance. This is sitcom-worthy funny-annoying!

My BIL is from rural NC, and he reminds me of what Andy Griffin told the cast of his sitcom in the 60s, "There is no need to overdo anything. The South is funny enough on it's own." After everyone left yesterday, DD17 said to me, "I thought we had a normal family, but it really is quite odd."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes clueless people needed to be treated like clueless people. Every year my BIL does something super annoying.
--One year he brought a years worth of junk mail to go through and filled all my trashcans. No problem, I just asked him to help me empty them.
--Last year he brought bunch of expired snack foods to our house. Like 200 pieces. I told him just to leave in his car, unless he had some moon pies, which he didn't.
--This year he brought all his laundry. He is 68 years old married to my sister not some young bachelor. I told him, only laundry in the afternoon with so many showers in the morning taxing our smallish hot water heater. He complied. Clueless.

You are to be commended for your practical tolerance. This is sitcom-worthy funny-annoying!

My BIL is from rural NC, and he reminds me of what Andy Griffin told the cast of his sitcom in the 60s, "There is no need to overdo anything. The South is funny enough on its own." After everyone left yesterday, DD17 said to me, "I thought we had a normal family, but it really is quite odd."

This is all really odd and funny! Is your BIL weird at home as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I don’t know why the above posted, I wasn’t done.
My 7yo said it’s more fun to open a wrapped gift than a gift in a gift bag. So for kids I still use wrapping paper..

She’s totally right! My mom started putting out gifts under the tree in reusable fabric sacks when I was like 8 or 9. “Opening” gifts took about 60 seconds- you just looked inside each already open fabric sack. I always asked her to please wrap mine and she said no. I’ve never once given my kids Christmas presents in anything other than wrapping paper. Even a gift card will be inside a shoebox that’s wrapped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I don’t know why the above posted, I wasn’t done.
My 7yo said it’s more fun to open a wrapped gift than a gift in a gift bag. So for kids I still use wrapping paper..

She’s totally right! My mom started putting out gifts under the tree in reusable fabric sacks when I was like 8 or 9. “Opening” gifts took about 60 seconds- you just looked inside each already open fabric sack. I always asked her to please wrap mine and she said no. I’ve never once given my kids Christmas presents in anything other than wrapping paper. Even a gift card will be inside a shoebox that’s wrapped up.

This also goes through my mind every Christmas. I really want to shove everything into gift bags but I think it’s more fun to unwrap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hack to a wonderful Christmas is the belief that you are as worthy of joy and peace as anybody else in your story. If you have young – – very young – – children, they are your responsibility. Not grandparents, not siblings, not aunts. I stopped hosting people who don’t add to the joy of the day years ago and we have wonderful holidays full of the food and drink we like and the music we like and most importantly 18-20 people who all genuinely want to see and spend time together! So much holiday misery boils down to assigning your own happiness a lesser value.

It's lovely you have 18-20 people like that!

I only have DH. He is wonderful. His family and friends aren't local but he does have them. I did not keep up friendships well, some died, family died. I feel lonely but realize I don't even keep track of neighbor names since the ones who had been friends all moved to bigger houses.

The 18-20 are curated from a much larger and candidly needier family/friend universe.

I will add, though, that we have in that number ‘chosen family’ that includes singles and couples without local family who add hugely to the joy of the day. Do you have any “couple” friends who host large gatherings/who you would genuinely love to spend a day with? They might love to extend an invitation to you.

I love this chosen family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your little nips, tucks and shortcuts—white lies and lies of omission—that get you through hosting family, or visiting family?

1) Garage drinks: I have a bottle of Baileys and a bottle of sangria that I keep in the garage. Here and there, I’m filling up my “water cup” with this or that.

2) I have so many small errands to run! Just kidding, I’m fully prepared, but I’ll drive around and look at lights by myself or listen to an audiobook in my car for awhile.

3) The day after Christmas, I’m “visiting a friend from out of town who is staying in Columbia.” Just kidding, I’m going to a spa in Columbia for a three-hour treatment.

I don’t see the need to lie and 2 and 3. The first is the behavior of an alcoholic.

NP. Depends and isn't always behavior of an alcoholic. My parents and inlaws think people are alcoholics for having even ONE glass of wine with dinner or a cocktail after kids go to bed. So you couldn't openly drink in front of them or you'd never hear the end of it.

Regarding #2 though. I just can't imagine leaving the kids with DH while I go chill in my car. The kids would be driving him insane and he wouldn't be able to get anything done, would likely need a break when I get back. Maybe when they aren't toddlers that works? DH and I both enjoy doing things the most with the kids when we're both together and managing them. I'd be nursing the youngest and the older two fighting in a different room.

Our best hack is that we only take one kid with us at a time. One kid is fun to grocery shop with, 3 is hell.

I hate martyr SAHMs like you. Your husband is perfectly capable of caring for his own children, regardless of their ages. Stop treating men like incompetent fools and they’ll stop acting like it.