Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

“Tend your garden and it will tend you”. When I found this phrase in a book about repotting your life, a light shone in me during loneliness times. I tend my garden every day and feel welcomed by my perennials forming buds and blooming mostly during my birthday month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my dad died my mom was struggled to figure out where she wanted to be and was adamant about not moving to an adult housing situation. So she spent a few years renting condos and being completely isolated in her world. My once every two week visits (she refused to move closer) were her only social avenues during that time. When she finally admitted she needed more help she was amenable to a move to an independent living apartment and she started making friends there. I think it’s important for seniors who are essentially alone (deceased spouse, kids with their own responsibilities) to make their own peer friends and try to salvage what little time they have left. If they are lonely and miserable that is a choice they’re making.

Your compassion for people with declining physical and cognitive abilities, and for your parents, is overwhelming. I hope your family shows you a bit more that you do.

What do to you boomers actually want? Do you want your adult children to leave you to your own folly because you won’t listen to reason about isolation / too big house / dangerous house / we can’t drop everything and fly to you for every medical issue . . . Or do you want your children to acknowledge that your physical and cognitive abilities are fading faster than you are willing to admit and take preemptive steps to help you?
What you don’t get is to have your adult children give up their own lives to cater to you in the home and location of your choice.

I wonder if you realize all the things your parents did to raise you? And love you? And this is your attitude? Really shameful, imo. I hope your shown more compassion by your kids than you are showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I'm 38 and this thread is giving me some great perspective to think about aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I'm 38 and this thread is giving me some great perspective to think about aging.

oh yea. I'm 53 and am seeing how awful it is to be that old.

One parent 90: somewhat still healthy but can't drive, hearing and vision completely going
Another 84: dementia

Neither can control their bladder, and dementia parent cannot control bm.

The other once just died at 90: lots of health issues and couldn't walk much; refused to go into a retirement home; became very lonely at home, and couldn't do much on their own, but still didn't want to live in a retirement home.

It's awful. I don't want to live till 90. My body is already having issues at 53.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we should design, develop and build a DCUM retirement community. Let’s do a simulation here. Assume buy in. List location, necessities, and amenities. Those who aren’t willing to relocate or have other options, don’t apply unless you’re an investor. I know lots of developers and builders.

There are those here but they are pricey.

[Anonymous]

The elderly folks in my family and friends of the family who seemed to thrive were realistic. They didn't expect their children and grandchildren to cater to them. They moved to an appropriate setting kept old friends and made new friends. they joined in the activities. They stayed connected to family without trying to manipulate with guilt trips and victim mentality. They sought help if their mental health was declining.

We have both extremes in my family. It's horrible to watch someone rot on to sofa stuck in a victim mentality, refusing any help, refusing to stay on meds, refusing to move, firing any hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The elderly folks in my family and friends of the family who seemed to thrive were realistic. They didn't expect their children and grandchildren to cater to them. They moved to an appropriate setting kept old friends and made new friends. they joined in the activities. They stayed connected to family without trying to manipulate with guilt trips and victim mentality. They sought help if their mental health was declining.

We have both extremes in my family. It's horrible to watch someone rot on to sofa stuck in a victim mentality, refusing any help, refusing to stay on meds, refusing to move, firing any hired help.

Does it come easy to you to view your elderly relatives through the lens you describe? Older people have declining cognitive ability. They suffer anxiety and depression like everyone else. They struggle with bodies that don't work as well. Some handle these things better than others, as you note.

And you view wanting social connections and help from family as "victims" who want to be catered to and are manipulative???? I'm not saying that those people don't exist -my father is the king of all of those things and more- but that's quite a sweeping observation on your part and is one that came quite easily.

Boy, this thread is SUPER enlightening as to how this country views the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

There are other options.

My favorite is daycare. In my inlaws' city, a city ran daycare picks up elderly at their home every morning (and the bus is wheelchair accessible. It's a real city bus). They hang out in the community center, get free food, have activities. The more mobile ones go on a lot more excursions during the day, but some of the extremely elderly are happy to just play cards and watch movies with their friends. Then they get dropped off at the end of the day.

This sort of fun daycare takes such a burden off their relatives that they live with. Their children or relatives that they live with are able to work still.

"Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle."- I think you're misunderstanding the burden. How can children work or care for their own children (the grandchildren) when they are watching their elderly parents 24/7? Even the special lift gear needed to changed the sheets on the bed of an immobile person is a lot. And they need to be changed and wiped numerous times a day. Have you spent time with dementia patients? They aren't always rational. My grandma tried to burn down her house numerous times and that's when we were present!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we should design, develop and build a DCUM retirement community. Let’s do a simulation here. Assume buy in. List location, necessities, and amenities. Those who aren’t willing to relocate or have other options, don’t apply unless you’re an investor. I know lots of developers and builders.

There are those here but they are pricey.

I like the ones where there's a daycare and a retirement home next to each other. My 90 year old grandma with dementia and my 2 year old do often enjoy the same activities and would love to sing and dance together (and I mean this in a kind way, I love both!). However, have you SEEN how sick 30 something parents get from the little germ factories that are daycare!?!?! This would be a death sentence for a retirement home. This past winter I had: flu, pink eye, strep, covid, some vomiting sickness, some random high fever for a week (no other symptoms) and my son has a cough that's been going on for a month. Any one of those would have killed an elderly person. As a healthy 30 something with a great immune system, I'm barely hanging on. My eldest's elementary school is just as bad and maybe worse. Daycares at least clean nonstop.

[Anonymous]

Stay physically active, take care of your physical and mental health, make friends, nurture your own hobbies and interests, and treat your adult children and spouses with respect. Be there for your grandchildren but don’t overstep boundaries or have too high of expectations for their parents. If those who are aging followed this advice, they will likely not die lonely and have family and friends that want to support and take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have adult children with whom you have a good relationship I think living near them would be helpful. I wish my parents or in-laws were open to that (cost is a barrier for in-laws.m).

+1 Living nearby is really helpful + both sides being open to living together at some point.

My ILs lived next door to BIL/SIL. When MIL died, their early 20s granddaughter moved in with FIL.
My sister lived about 30 min from my parents and they had been very involved in helping with childcare in the early years which transitioned to my sister being their main assistance as my dad's health failed. When he died, mom moved in with sister and her teenage kids (sister is divorced).
My brother's wife is Chinese and they already have her parents living with them (very healthy, active early 70s).

For both my sister and brother they purchased their current homes with the intent of having parents living with them. FWIW, I'd have been happy to have my parents live near us when they retired/live with us later but when they retired they preferred the area where my sister lives so settled there. We visit a lot and I'll be staying at my sister's home for a few weeks this summer while sister/kids go on vacation so that my mom won't be alone.