Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

She is lazy.

OP here. I don’t feel she is lazy. One of the reasons I fell in love with her was her work ethic and ambition. She has advanced degrees and worked really hard to achieve the level she has in her career. She put in work with long hours and school to make it happen.

She is a great mom. Do I wish she did more? Yes. Am I jealous that other people I know have wives who do much more? Yes. She isn’t totally involved or lazy.

She is lazy and unmotivated as a sahm. Maybe she was not lazy and unmotivated as an office worker. A lot of good students are lazy moms.

She needs to go back to work if this is the case. Kids , you, and her will do better if she’s working.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

I take back my lazy comment. This post does not match your other posts. So I think you're trolling. If not, do the clean up and stop whining.

OP here. She doesn’t just sit around all day, but the things she does do takes max of 2 hours each day. She should still be able to make dinner multiple nights a week and clean up more. I have friends who have a SAHM and they all manage to care for their kids, cook, and clean without help or daycare.

You're kinda starting to sound like a controlling ahole.

OP here. Not controlling. My parents raised 4 boys without any help. The house was clean, dinner was made each night, and my parents were happy. My dad was super involved, but my mom still did most of the work while my dad worked long hours.

I just wish she would do more. I manage to clean and cook dinner every Saturday that I have both kids and my wife is out. I wouldn’t even care so much about the mess if dinner was made. I feel like I shouldn’t have to work 9-10 hour days and then have to still cook dinner.

[Anonymous]

Some people it’s hard to tell they’re depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does she do 5 days a week from 8 to 12:30 when the nanny is there? I can see working out daily for part of that, but what else is she doing if she doesn’t do housework and groceries and meal prep?

That seems like a heck of a lot of leisure time per week for a SAHM.

OP here. Usually one day a week she will run errands, meal prep, and grocery shop ( online). That’s usually Mondays to make the week flow more easily.

The other two days she does some personal care stuff, hangs out with nanny and baby, or naps.

She doesn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

She goes back to work and you get a full time nanny instead of part time . You already outsource all the cleaning so no change there. If you both find cooking a pain, maybe outsource a couple dinners a week. Everyone is happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

I take back my lazy comment. This post does not match your other posts. So I think you're trolling. If not, do the clean up and stop whining.

OP here. She doesn’t just sit around all day, but the things she does do takes max of 2 hours each day. She should still be able to make dinner multiple nights a week and clean up more. I have friends who have a SAHM and they all manage to care for their kids, cook, and clean without help or daycare.

You're kinda starting to sound like a controlling ahole.

OP here. Not controlling. My parents raised 4 boys without any help. The house was clean, dinner was made each night, and my parents were happy. My dad was super involved, but my mom still did most of the work while my dad worked long hours.

I just wish she would do more. I manage to clean and cook dinner every Saturday that I have both kids and my wife is out. I wouldn’t even care so much about the mess if dinner was made. I feel like I shouldn’t have to work 9-10 hour days and then have to still cook dinner.

Keep digging that hole

[Anonymous]

I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she do 5 days a week from 8 to 12:30 when the nanny is there? I can see working out daily for part of that, but what else is she doing if she doesn’t do housework and groceries and meal prep?

That seems like a heck of a lot of leisure time per week for a SAHM.

OP here. Usually one day a week she will run errands, meal prep, and grocery shop ( online). That’s usually Mondays to make the week flow more easily.

The other two days she does some personal care stuff, hangs out with nanny and baby, or naps.

She doesn’t work out.

Yeah that’s lazy.

[Anonymous]

I see two possibilities:

1) You are trolling

2) Your DW has postpartum depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you account for every hour of your work to your spouse? Do you think she might think all your emails and meetings really could be done in two hours? If she said that to you, would you be especially impressed?

Because…that’s exactly what you sound like right now.

OP here. No. I work from home and see things. My wife also texts me often throughout the day. We love our nanny but we are still very paranoid leaving our kids alone with anyone. She will text when she leaves and that way I can be a little more alert while she’s gone.

Absolutely not. I work hard to support our family and she is grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she do 5 days a week from 8 to 12:30 when the nanny is there? I can see working out daily for part of that, but what else is she doing if she doesn’t do housework and groceries and meal prep?

That seems like a heck of a lot of leisure time per week for a SAHM.

OP here. Usually one day a week she will run errands, meal prep, and grocery shop ( online). That’s usually Mondays to make the week flow more easily.

The other two days she does some personal care stuff, hangs out with nanny and baby, or naps.

She doesn’t work out.

The fact that she naps and doesn’t work out suggests she’s either very depressed, very lazy, maybe both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

She gets plenty, they have a morning nanny and one kid is in preschool for a full day three times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's probably depressed because she's trapped at home and making no use of her mind and skills.

+1. It can be tough going from an ambitious education/job to staying at home. Maybe she would be happier working.

You should also encourage her to exercise when the nanny is around OP. Treadmill, barre class, whatever. It can lift up her spirits and make her more energized the rest of the day.

[Anonymous]

^ And OP, stop repeating “I wish she did more” and find out WHY she is not doing more. Like, is SAHM not compatible with her personality, does she have PPD, what?