Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Having a stay at home mom does not mean life is easier and the house is always clean. It still so hard and so exhausting. If you thought you were buying a maid by “letting” her stay home you are an ass and very judgy. I just remember working my ass off all day and cleaning all the freaking day and then by the time my husband came home it looked like I did nothing. Whether she is home or not it is hard so don’t think it will be easier with her back it work - it will be worse because she will feel even more torn and exhausted. My husband strongly encouraged me to go back to work and I cannot say I am happier, not is he happier nor somehow do we magically have more Money because the job I got pays totally shitty now and I had to spend a ton of money initially to get my wardrobe and hair back to professional level. I did not predict that expense but in a public facing job you can’t look as exhausted as you feel and it is seriously an investment. I can honestly say it is not better with me working just different and my kids are in elementary at two different schools now and we have to juggle the drop offs and pickups and soccer games and Bellet etc it is hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

OP here. Honestly, no. We never talked about it. When we had our second, she told me she felt that she didn’t want to go back to work. She gave it more time and decided it was best to stay home when her maternity leave was almost over. I honestly just assumed she would handle everything since we have family members/friends with this same dynamic.

We kept our nanny on because she was with our first since he was 4 months old. She is incredible and felt we could use the help to make things easier on us with two kids and me working long hours. We have always had a housekeeper.

I definitely see that I need to talk with my wife about this. Touch base on how she’s feeling and relay my expectations and come to middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

She gets plenty, they have a morning nanny and one kid is in preschool for a full day three times a week.

They have a morning nanny, but mom hangs out with her and the baby during those mornings because both parents are "super paranoid" about leaving their kid alone with her, in spite of the fact that OP says they "lucked out" finding this person and she's been with them for years (including when the wife had a job).

Yeah, this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

OP here. 3 days a week she gets free time 8am - 2pm if she wants it. Some days she will hang out with the nanny and baby, but that is her time to do whatever she needs/wants. On Saturdays I watch both kids for about 3-4 hours so she can meet a friend for lunch, get her hair done, get a massage, etc. We are child free from 8-10 in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Is she from a family or culture that feels housework is beneath them? My DHs family from South America are like they. They were raised to be princes but don’t have that kind of money. Most of them are unemployed and still have housekeepers, even though they’re not as wealthy as the previous generation and can no longer afford clubs and better private schools. The joke is they go hungry to fill up the Mercedes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infant and toddler are really hard years. Kids that age require endless work and attention, except for when they are asleep. Your wife probably has no break except for the PT nanny and PT daycare, but then she's probably scrambling to do grocery shopping and laundry? Really, there is just so much to do at those ages, I am exhausted again just thinking about it. My kids are teens now and everything is much more calm, and I'm back at work. Just let the house go for a few more years, continue to be as supportive as you can, and things will get better I promise. And also, enjoy the kids while they are little, because those are the cutest years!!

OP here. I do the laundry on the off weeks and the housekeeper does all the linens and laundry when she’s here. We both do grocery shopping on the weekends once every 3 months
( Costco) and get weekly groceries delivered.

She gets a break. Our son goes to PT daycare ( full day) 3 days a week. Our nanny is there there for half days 5 days a week. On the daycare days, she cares for the baby, and cares for my oldest son on days they are both home.

Both kids sleep through the night and take solid naps. Our 6 month old is still napping 3.5 hours out of the day. Our 2.5 year old naps 2 hours at the same time as our infant.

Give her some time. She was pregnant and had a baby and probably nursing a six month old and has a 2.5 years old as well. Discuss with her how y'all can make current system more efficient to have a happy and healthy family while simultaneously saving money to cover at least part of lost income. Work as a unit, not me vs you or my money vs your money or my ambition vs your ambitions. Your team should operate to maximize mutual benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she do 5 days a week from 8 to 12:30 when the nanny is there? I can see working out daily for part of that, but what else is she doing if she doesn’t do housework and groceries and meal prep?

That seems like a heck of a lot of leisure time per week for a SAHM.

OP here. Usually one day a week she will run errands, meal prep, and grocery shop ( online). That’s usually Mondays to make the week flow more easily.

The other two days she does some personal care stuff, hangs out with nanny and baby, or naps.

She doesn’t work out.

The fact that she naps and doesn’t work out suggests she’s either very depressed, very lazy, maybe both.

OP here. She has never worked out. She does walking and is a runner ( though she doesn’t run anymore) but she never has been into working out with machines. We eat healthy and she takes care of herself. She is just not into the gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

She is lazy.

OP here. I don’t feel she is lazy. One of the reasons I fell in love with her was her work ethic and ambition. She has advanced degrees and worked really hard to achieve the level she has in her career. She put in work with long hours and school to make it happen.

She is a great mom. Do I wish she did more? Yes. Am I jealous that other people I know have wives who do much more? Yes. She isn’t totally involved or lazy.

omg. I don’t think I’ve ever read a DCUM post that pissed me off more. You are an absolutely d*ck OP. seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your position I’d be pretty annoyed too, OP. If she has a nanny and daycare, she should be able to keep on top of the house easily. Women who work with kids do this just fine. Maybe suggest she go back to a part time job?

They do just fine because their husbands help and their kids are never in the house if they are in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens after you get home?

OP here. I work from home most days of the week. I go into the office 1-2 days a week, some weeks.

I get home or come upstairs and start making dinner. If I’m not done working by 5, my wife will usually order dinner or make something quick. We eat, hang out as a family, and we start the bedtime routine. We bathe both kids, and I take infant and put him to bed. Then we hang out a little more with my oldest and I put him to bed ( sometimes he wants mom to do it). Then I will clean up from the day and my wife will usually shower during this time. We will watch tv together and then bed.

so she gets basically zero kid-free time.

OP here. 3 days a week she gets free time 8am - 2pm if she wants it. Some days she will hang out with the nanny and baby, but that is her time to do whatever she needs/wants. On Saturdays I watch both kids for about 3-4 hours so she can meet a friend for lunch, get her hair done, get a massage, etc. We are child free from 8-10 in the evenings.

OP you already said she spends the nanny time making baby food, errands, appointments etc. You honestly are taking the attidude of some of the stingy parents on here who post about how they are mad that the nanny sits down while the baby naps instead of doing chores. Except it’s your WIFE. The one who basically just gave birth to a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a stay at home mom does not mean life is easier and the house is always clean. It still so hard and so exhausting. If you thought you were buying a maid by “letting” her stay home you are an ass and very judgy. I just remember working my ass off all day and cleaning all the freaking day and then by the time my husband came home it looked like I did nothing. Whether she is home or not it is hard so don’t think it will be easier with her back it work - it will be worse because she will feel even more torn and exhausted. My husband strongly encouraged me to go back to work and I cannot say I am happier, not is he happier nor somehow do we magically have more Money because the job I got pays totally shitty now and I had to spend a ton of money initially to get my wardrobe and hair back to professional level. I did not predict that expense but in a public facing job you can’t look as exhausted as you feel and it is seriously an investment. I can honestly say it is not better with me working just different and my kids are in elementary at two different schools now and we have to juggle the drop offs and pickups and soccer games and Bellet etc it is hard

OP here. I don’t expect the house to be super clean. What I do wish was that she would cook dinner more often. We eat early at 5:30pm and I have to structure my days most days to make sure I’m done working by 5 to make dinner for us. When I absolutely can’t, she orders in or makes something really easy for the boys and I eat whatever. She was a big cook before having our second child. She cooked on the days she was home ( while managing baby solo).

I do believe in maintaining a basic level of cleanliness and hygiene for our house to function. Each night I pick up toys, load dishwasher, wipes down the counters, etc. The housekeeper does all the deep cleaning and we have a separate playroom ( two areas) for the kids that I don’t care is messy. I just try to keep the living room/dining/kitchen clean. Our baby does all of this during kids nap time. Our home is also someone’s workspace and I try to be respectful of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, on a daily basis, how much time does your wife get away from both kids? Like where she’s actually alone?

OP here. A decent amount. On the days my son is in daycare, she has 8am - 2pm without our infant. Nanny is there until 12:30pm and he sleeps until 2pm. On the days both kids are there, the nanny is there 8am - 4pm. My wife is involved on these days and usually has one kid at a time for half of the day, but gets breaks if she needs one or when they both nap.

On the weekends, I try to give her a break and I let her sleep in and do what she wants for an afternoon.

What does she accomplish in all her free time? Anything? My husband would probably have zero respect for me if I did this.

OP here. On the days our son is in daycare, she runs errands, does online grocery shopping, makes appointments, mela preps, cooks infants foods from scratch, makes toddler lunches for daycare, etc. Some days she will nap or just relax.

On the days both kids are home, she will take our infant part of the day while nanny takes oldest outside or to an activity. Then my wife will switch with nanny and take my son to an activity or a fun outing. She likes it so that she has one-on-one time with both kids.

It seems to me you answered your own question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.