Help me make it through the next month and a half

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need to be present in court or can you avoid?

Legal team insists I be present to show jury that spouse has my “utmost faith and support.” For DC’s sake, I agree with them.

I was a juror on a murder case once and I thought the “stand by your (wo)man” tactic of the spouse made the spouse look pathetic. FWIW.

It doesn't matter what you think. All you need to do is convince one juror out of a dozen to derail the case for the prosecution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sending you supportive thoughts, OP. ou are definitely a good parent for supporting your spouse given that you don't believe they've done what they've been accused of. Your children will be grateful for your stance one day, I'm sure.

If I were you I would definitely allow myself to disassociate and just play the "role" I'm supposed to play during the day and then practice radical self-care at night. Feel free to vent here. I'll come back and check this thread a couple of times to make sure you're okay.

I was getting ready to post all angrily about what a jerk your spouse is for letting his legal team drag you into this when you could have agreed to stay out of it completely to try to keep daily life as normal for your DC as possible…until I read the above comment. I can truly see how you are protecting your child by showing, publicly, that you know in your heart that her father could not have done whatever he is accused of. I think you’re a wonderful mother for soldiering up to do this bc long term that will affect her sense of self so much. Your armor has taken you this far; you’re almost there!!!! Hang on just a few more weeks and then take a break. Do something different, alone or with your daughter. There will probably be some aftermath, but really try to focus on your plans for the future (new apt? Etc) Good luck…rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. Wishing you continued strength. Keep us posted. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

A lot of this is made up and “filled in” by posters. What if she is complicit?
What if she never told and put victims at risk?

A lot of married peoples participate in wrongdoings together. Or one unknowingly helps (but should have known).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is made up and “filled in” by posters. What if she is complicit?
What if she never told and put victims at risk?

A lot of married peoples participate in wrongdoings together. Or one unknowingly helps (but should have known).

NP. People are answering the question OP asked, based on the scenario OP gave us. Youre the one "filling in" your own story that OP might be complicit, PP. There is nothing to support that idea, in her posts. It's sad that you're assuming the worst but its typical on this site that someone has to come along to bash or accuse most every OP on every thread of being guilty of...something.

Maybe ask yourself why you're so suspicious, based on nothing that's been said. Projecting, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve been taking an online break for the past couple of weeks, going back and forth between dissociating/acting for my family’s sake and practicing self-care for mine.

Jury selection starts next week. Thankfully DC is back at college after spring break so it’ll only be me attending court (my ILs live abroad and spouse doesn’t want anyone else there anyway). I’ll absolutely support and see spouse through the trial, then take the appropriate steps to get my own life back (individual therapy, divorce filing, etc.). Even though I recognize I should have already spoken with a therapist and divorce lawyer, I just don’t have the mental bandwidth until after the verdict.

Thank you, DCUM, for continuing to let me air my thoughts here.

You've got this, OP! Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

What is the crime? If it was really unsavory she would have divorced by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the crime? If it was really unsavory she would have divorced by now.

Read the thread before you post. She already said that she believes her DH is not guilty (and the charges/trial/etc. are not why she's leaving him anyway). And she has said clearly that she won't specify the crime here. Her question is about her finding coping mechanisms for herself as the trial takes place, not about whether she should divorce, what the crime is, or whether he's guilty.

[Anonymous]

Just sending love, op. That sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen "The Undoing" on HBO? It stars Hugh Grant and Nicole Kidman and it's about this exact thing.
Sending good vibes OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eat healthy, exercise like crazy even if you don't feel like it as you will sleep better - and get a hair & makeup person to come and do this for you daily as well as a stylist for great outfits - then you can play the part well.

Thank you. I’m trying my best to keep up with a healthy diet and exercise regimen. Unfortunately, professional styling is out of the budget given our gargantuan legal bills.

Why not seek legal help for yourself now!?!? If your spouse’s behavior and defending it is going to bankrupt you can’t you protect yourself too?

[Anonymous]

You've all assumed it was a DH, but that is not obvious, is it?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been thinking about one thing you mentioned only in passing but as a parent to a young adult (just out of college) it's been on my mind. You mentioned that "DC is back at college after spring break" so you're the only one who'll be at DH's trial. I think some PPs are just assuming you have a young child but that's not the case.

I just want to note -- and apologies if you've already been down this road and it's a moot point! -- that a college-age kid is surely mostly, if not fully, aware of everything that's going on and may have some very complicated feelings around all of this. I'm sure you know that, but depending on your child's personality and whether/how much you and DH have held back, your DC might be more worried, upset and/or angry than even you realize. College age adults usually don't have much life experience, and don't have friends (usually) whose families have experiences similar to this particular one. So your DC might seem fine and accepting but may actually be more roiled by this than is outwardly evident, even if you're close. And DC might want to protect mom and dad from knowing DC's worried.

We don't know your relationship with DC (and you do NOT owe us strangers any explanation of it!), so maybe you and DC have talked about this situation deeply. I just wanted to note that, while college kids often are in their own world and rightly preoccupied with their lives at college, please give extra consideration to the idea that this might loom larger for DC than DC lets on in front of you. Again, no need to explain anything to us here, I'm just putting the idea out there, and while DC is busy at college you can focus on the trial and your own coping, which is good.

Much later: Since you plan to divorce when the trial is over, please consider working with a therapist on how to approach the divorce news with your DC. Your DC might be hugely relieved and glad about a divorce! But I'd still get some help prepping ideas for the conversations. Your DH doesn't know your divorce plan and DH's reactions to it could end up influencing how your young adult DC views you, OP (as in--DH could badmouth you as unsupportive etc., and you don't want DC picking that up from DH and blaming you for a divorce which YOU know you need).

Please ignore if this seems moot to you! But as parent of someone in your DC's age group, it's just been on my mind. I wish you peace and calm in these difficult coming weeks, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I've been thinking about one thing you mentioned only in passing but as a parent to a young adult (just out of college) it's been on my mind. You mentioned that "DC is back at college after spring break" so you're the only one who'll be at DH's trial. I think some PPs are just assuming you have a young child but that's not the case.

I just want to note -- and apologies if you've already been down this road and it's a moot point! -- that a college-age kid is surely mostly, if not fully, aware of everything that's going on and may have some very complicated feelings around all of this. I'm sure you know that, but depending on your child's personality and whether/how much you and DH have held back, your DC might be more worried, upset and/or angry than even you realize. College age adults usually don't have much life experience, and don't have friends (usually) whose families have experiences similar to this particular one. So your DC might seem fine and accepting but may actually be more roiled by this than is outwardly evident, even if you're close. And DC might want to protect mom and dad from knowing DC's worried.

We don't know your relationship with DC (and you do NOT owe us strangers any explanation of it!), so maybe you and DC have talked about this situation deeply. I just wanted to note that, while college kids often are in their own world and rightly preoccupied with their lives at college, please give extra consideration to the idea that this might loom larger for DC than DC lets on in front of you. Again, no need to explain anything to us here, I'm just putting the idea out there, and while DC is busy at college you can focus on the trial and your own coping, which is good.

Much later: Since you plan to divorce when the trial is over, please consider working with a therapist on how to approach the divorce news with your DC. Your DC might be hugely relieved and glad about a divorce! But I'd still get some help prepping ideas for the conversations. Your DH doesn't know your divorce plan and DH's reactions to it could end up influencing how your young adult DC views you, OP (as in--DH could badmouth you as unsupportive etc., and you don't want DC picking that up from DH and blaming you for a divorce which YOU know you need).

Please ignore if this seems moot to you! But as parent of someone in your DC's age group, it's just been on my mind. I wish you peace and calm in these difficult coming weeks, OP.

Thank you so much. DC is fully immersed in college life on the opposite coast, which is how spouse and I have been able to keep them somewhat sheltered from the full brunt of the proceedings, but I do recognize they may be more impacted than they’ve let on. Likely we will all benefit from professional help moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My apologies to those who have asked about the case, but I can’t answer. I can say, however, that I truly don’t believe spouse is guilty of what they’re being accused of. Regardless, I do not wish to be married to them any longer.

I'm so, so sorry, OP. This must be taking such a toll on you. Agree with the advice to emotionally disengage and say as little as possible. And get help as soon as you can. Hopefully, you have friends and family who have been by your side. Having witnessed a similar situation with a friend (much shorter time-frame and no trial, though), you WILL get through it and you will get your life back.