What are the bad parts about having three kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just didn’t want parenting to be a “trial.” The years go by quickly, yes, but they’re also the most important years of (my) life. Stop when parenting can be a joy, not something to endure. 1, 2, 3, 4 kids, whatever number that is for you personally.

This was totally it for me. I didn't want more years that I was waiting to "get through" before "things get better". Life is short, good health is uncertain, my dinner table in 30 years might not come. For me, the real fun parenting began after naps ended and when my kids started getting a little more independent. They're 6 and 4 now and we're having so much fun. I may always wonder if another kid would have made things even more fun, but I didn't want to delay the phase we're in now by setting us back with another baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can people post any negatives/downsides/bad experiences of having a third baby, or having three kids in general?

My practical brain wants to stop at two, but my emotional side wants a third. I am really struggling with this decision and feel like some tough love about the realities of three will help!

If you are looking for negatives in having another child. Do not have another!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just didn’t want parenting to be a “trial.” The years go by quickly, yes, but they’re also the most important years of (my) life. Stop when parenting can be a joy, not something to endure. 1, 2, 3, 4 kids, whatever number that is for you personally.

This was totally it for me. I didn't want more years that I was waiting to "get through" before "things get better". Life is short, good health is uncertain, my dinner table in 30 years might not come. For me, the real fun parenting began after naps ended and when my kids started getting a little more independent. They're 6 and 4 now and we're having so much fun. I may always wonder if another kid would have made things even more fun, but I didn't want to delay the phase we're in now by setting us back with another baby.

+1. My kids are teens now and they still get 2 parents at most events and we get a lot of family time and need to do very little "divide and conquer." When they are grown, I feel it will be easier to visit them if they live out of town, help with their kids, do extended family travel, etc. with there just being two of them. It was also easier to finish saving for college and start padding retirement, which will eventually be their inheritance. Agree this is highly personal and there is no right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Logistics get hard for 3.
- It is hard for parents to split up and make it to 3 soccer games at the same time. Sometimes one of your kids won't have a parent present.
- You need to rely on other people more for car pools etc, and sometimes you can't pull your fair share.
-

[Anonymous]

Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

Huh? I said set boundaries, not say no. You realize those are different things, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

Idk- I’m one of four kids and growing up we all did lots of activities. My mom was kind of a martyr in those years. But we would stack things like tennis lessons, or both take at the same time with diff instructors. Or we did different activities different days of the week. She had a career with flexible afternoons though. I work full time and although it’s from home there’s less flexibility and even taking one kid to activities in the afternoon is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

Idk- I’m one of four kids and growing up we all did lots of activities. My mom was kind of a martyr in those years. But we would stack things like tennis lessons, or both take at the same time with diff instructors. Or we did different activities different days of the week. She had a career with flexible afternoons though. I work full time and although it’s from home there’s less flexibility and even taking one kid to activities in the afternoon is hard.

I don’t think anyone is saying activities can’t be juggled for 3 kids, but I also don’t think anyone can convincingly argue that it doesn’t fall into the “con” category of potentially going from 2 to 3 kids. The extracurriculars, at least until your teen is old enough to drive him/herself, will be more of a hassle for 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

Idk- I’m one of four kids and growing up we all did lots of activities. My mom was kind of a martyr in those years. But we would stack things like tennis lessons, or both take at the same time with diff instructors. Or we did different activities different days of the week. She had a career with flexible afternoons though. I work full time and although it’s from home there’s less flexibility and even taking one kid to activities in the afternoon is hard.

I don’t think anyone is saying activities can’t be juggled for 3 kids, but I also don’t think anyone can convincingly argue that it doesn’t fall into the “con” category of potentially going from 2 to 3 kids. The extracurriculars, at least until your teen is old enough to drive him/herself, will be more of a hassle for 3.

I’m the one who brought up setting boundaries - I mean, sure, activities are more of a hassle for three kids than for two kids. How much of a con that is depends on how much you value doing All the Things. Even if we had two, we’d set boundaries because we value having a family life that includes things other than a ton of extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Yeah, okay. I loved doing activities/extracurriculars as a kid, and my kids love them too. Sure you can say no, but if they’re things that are enriching and make them feel fulfilled, are incremental more siblings that split attention further and reduce their childhood experiences worth it? You’d say yes, I say no.

Idk- I’m one of four kids and growing up we all did lots of activities. My mom was kind of a martyr in those years. But we would stack things like tennis lessons, or both take at the same time with diff instructors. Or we did different activities different days of the week. She had a career with flexible afternoons though. I work full time and although it’s from home there’s less flexibility and even taking one kid to activities in the afternoon is hard.

I don’t think anyone is saying activities can’t be juggled for 3 kids, but I also don’t think anyone can convincingly argue that it doesn’t fall into the “con” category of potentially going from 2 to 3 kids. The extracurriculars, at least until your teen is old enough to drive him/herself, will be more of a hassle for 3.

I’m the one who brought up setting boundaries - I mean, sure, activities are more of a hassle for three kids than for two kids. How much of a con that is depends on how much you value doing All the Things. Even if we had two, we’d set boundaries because we value having a family life that includes things other than a ton of extracurriculars.

Yeah but this isn’t the whole story. Even one activity per kid, a perfectly reasonable “boundary”, adds up when you have three kid. For example, my son plays basketball - just that one rec sport translates to 2 practices per week and a game on the weekends. Now multiply that by three. It simply is going to be more work than if you had two kids.

[Anonymous]

I love having three kids, sure it’s hard sometimes but so is parenting one or two kids. If you’re looking for cons, these would be mine:

- more expensive. We don’t do private school or business class travel and never would have with two either, but we do pay for another kid’s worth of activities and camp, birthday party and presents etc.

- I work full-time and when work is busy, it’s tough to juggle multiple activities, school projects, bingo nights, doctors appointments etc. it’s not an issue for us generally. I have family help and am high energy and very organized, but when work is busy, there are only so many hours in a day.

We don’t have any issues with travel. We get suites or Airbnb and I’ve never had to wait particularly long for a restaurant table even though people hilariously use that as a reason not to have a third all the time.

I love the dynamics between the kids. Sure, they fight sometimes but they more often help each other, love each other, read and play together.

I also don’t have trouble getting one-on-one time. It took the same amount of intentional work with two as 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Every parent has to do this, of course. But as a person from a large family (4 kids) it absolutely harder to balance this with 3 or 4 kids. There’s often a built in bias toward the activities of older siblings, because they started them first. You wind up in situations where you have to limit an older sibling’s existing activity that they’ve invested years in to provide opportunities to a younger sibling, trying to push a younger sibling into the same activities because it’s convenient, or other negotiations that can feel deeply unfair to kids and cause resentment among siblings.

Also, parents need to think hard about the costs of things like sports and other activities, and really gut check their capacity to pay for more kids. I’ve seen this happen many times in families: with one or two kids, spending something like $60/mo on a beloved activity feels totally worth it. With 3/4 kids, you’re talking about $200-300 a month just on ordinary expenses. Add in the special costs for gear, tournaments, recitals, summer camps, and it can get really expensive very fast. People who have a 3rd or 4th when their oldest is in early early elementary often do not think this through and then it’s hard on everyone when you have to say “no, you can’t do gymnastics like your brother because we really need to be putting more money away for college.”

Do the math and always estimate up, even if you think “oh well put boundaries around activities.” If you have 3/4 kids, and each of those kids are in just one activity at any given time, it can be financially and logistically difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you have at least 1 kid in public school with at least one sport or activity to decide on a 3rd.

Even if you are lucky enough to have 2 parents with the flexibility to drive kids around between 4-8pm, you need to be sociable and well liked enough that you can car pool.

Or you can learn to set boundaries around the number and type of activities your kids do.

Every parent has to do this, of course. But as a person from a large family (4 kids) it absolutely harder to balance this with 3 or 4 kids. There’s often a built in bias toward the activities of older siblings, because they started them first. You wind up in situations where you have to limit an older sibling’s existing activity that they’ve invested years in to provide opportunities to a younger sibling, trying to push a younger sibling into the same activities because it’s convenient, or other negotiations that can feel deeply unfair to kids and cause resentment among siblings.

Also, parents need to think hard about the costs of things like sports and other activities, and really gut check their capacity to pay for more kids. I’ve seen this happen many times in families: with one or two kids, spending something like $60/mo on a beloved activity feels totally worth it. With 3/4 kids, you’re talking about $200-300 a month just on ordinary expenses. Add in the special costs for gear, tournaments, recitals, summer camps, and it can get really expensive very fast. People who have a 3rd or 4th when their oldest is in early early elementary often do not think this through and then it’s hard on everyone when you have to say “no, you can’t do gymnastics like your brother because we really need to be putting more money away for college.”

Do the math and always estimate up, even if you think “oh well put boundaries around activities.” If you have 3/4 kids, and each of those kids are in just one activity at any given time, it can be financially and logistically difficult.

FFS - I *have* three kids, I *know* it’s harder to balance (and afford). My point was that your kids can still do activities, in response to the PP who was implying that it’s either “meaningful activities” or stop at 1 or 2 kids. I agree with everything you said. Yes, it’s a con. How much of a con it is depends on how much your family values these kinds of things. There are ways to do them less expensively and intensively, though I know DCUM sneers at anything that’s not super expensive OMG travel all the thiiiings.