s/o sharing info with mom

[Anonymous]

I identified a lot with the other thread about moms wanting info shared with them only for their own benefit. This has been an ongoing issue with my mom for decades.

When I was growing up my parents, but my mom especially, gave me no privacy. She would listen in on my phone calls, snoop through my things, read notes that I had hidden, and would just be generally intrusive. Whenever I confronted her about this she would deny it and tell me I was paranoid. When I did share information with her about my life she could never just listen. She had to find a way to be critical in some way but she would also catastrophize way beyond what was necessary. So every little thing would turn into a big thing. Between the lack of privacy and the way she reacted when I did share something with her, it just became natural to me to stop sharing information with her. It should be noted that she has significant anxiety but refuses to admit it so it has never been treated, at least to my knowledge.

The way she shows her love is by buying things for people. She will text and/or call me multiple times a day with photos of things she has found while running errands to see if I want them. I don't have my phone on me during the work day and even if I did I am not in a line of work where I'm able to respond during work hours. My mom is fully aware of this. Then right after work it's a race to pick up from daycare, get dinner on the table, do the bedtime routine and make lunches for the next day. If I haven't responded to her texts or phone calls she will repeat them and start leaving me passive aggressive messages. If I do text her back, she takes that as an opportunity because she knows I have my phone nearby and she'll call me back instead of responding to my text. If I don't want to spend 30 minutes on the phone with her then I don't pick up and that further aggravates her.

The issue is that a simple answer to a question is never enough. She can't just accept the answer. She needs to ask multiple follow-up questions and then switches topics with more questions and more follow-ups. The follow-ups are usually catastrophizing in nature. So if she asks me if I want a pair of sweatpants she saw for DS and I say no thanks, then she starts talking about how he may not have enough warm pants for when the weather turns cold and if I don't get the laundry done then one day when it's really cold he won't have warm pants to wear if I don't have enough pairs. If I say OK to the pants then it's an invitation for her to go buy multiple pairs. I went through a phase when I said yes to everything because it was easier and I ended up with so much crap I didn't want or need. It's just exhausting to listen to during the only 45 minutes I have to myself all day. I know it's rooted in love and she does it because she cares, but it's still exhausting. I had to spend a few years in therapy to retrain my brain to think positively instead of negatively and to reduce the catastrophizing I thought was natural to do. I never even realized that I had a full blown anxiety disorder which was affecting many aspects of my life. I worked really hard to get out of that place and hearing my mom's anxiety so often brings me back there.

A few months ago I just snapped at her and told her enough was enough. She got upset and played the victim and then my dad got involved. My mom can't have a conversation about this without getting defensive and emotional, so I told him what would help to improve our relationship from my perspective. She tried and it helped for a few weeks, but she ended up back where we left off before. In return, I tried to call her more often and respond more promptly to her texts. I would call her on the drive from work to daycare because that way there would be a time limit.

So recently my dad told me that my mom feels unloved by me and wants to have the kind of relationship with me that some of her friends have with their daughters. I would love to have that kind of relationship as well, but instead it's just draining. My dad told me how I can change to make her feel better, and I told him that at some point it has to stop being completely about what she needs and my needs need to be taken into account as well. I've been having some health issues lately which my parents know about, and the stress over this isn't helping. I feel guilty that I'm not being a good daughter according to them, but I also resent that I'm being told that I have to capitulate to her. I see it as enabling and accommodating her behavior and when I give an inch she takes a mile. I know she is never going to change and the only thing I can control is how I react to it.

I know this post has been long and thanks for reading this far. I want to get some suggestions about how to proceed from here if anyone has been in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go back to therapy to firm up your boundaries and get help with letting go of the guilt. Don't buy into the idea that you're not a good daughter because you don't jump through your mother's hoops. A friendship is a give-and-take. Your mother is essentially trying to BUY your attention (through sweatpants). And your son won't die from being cold OR wearing dirty pants.

Your dad giving you a guilt trip doesn't help things. I think he wants to make the drama go away, rather than he actually wants you to do what she wants - he just think it's easiest since he has to live with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Your mom has a problem, not you. I agree with the PP. nothing you do is going to cure her underlying anxiety and whatever else.

(Does she hoard all these things she buys? Your description of the neediness and guilt tripping reminds me of someone I know who suffers from hoarding.)

[Anonymous]

You sound like you've really worked through this, OP, and you're very mindful of the reasons for the behavior, which helps. You know now that your mom has issues and her coping behaviors are not healthy for you. You're a perfectly good daughter, and she and her enabler, your dad, use the guilt angles to pressure you into giving in to her, even though you know it's unhealthy for you mentally and physically. They both are pushing at your boundaries.

I have recommended the book Boundaries before, because it helps define a lot of the ways people push at our boundaries, and how to handle it. It's helped my husband in dealing with his mom, and he can finally say, "if she pushes, and I stand firm, she's not going to be happy about it, but that's HER problem."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go back to therapy to firm up your boundaries and get help with letting go of the guilt. Don't buy into the idea that you're not a good daughter because you don't jump through your mother's hoops. A friendship is a give-and-take. Your mother is essentially trying to BUY your attention (through sweatpants). And your son won't die from being cold OR wearing dirty pants.

Your dad giving you a guilt trip doesn't help things. I think he wants to make the drama go away, rather than he actually wants you to do what she wants - he just think it's easiest since he has to live with your mother.

+1

She also sound alike she (mom) has control issues - which I've seen really, really go overboard and develop into full fledged psych issues. Often.

[Anonymous]

*sounds like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go back to therapy to firm up your boundaries and get help with letting go of the guilt. Don't buy into the idea that you're not a good daughter because you don't jump through your mother's hoops. A friendship is a give-and-take. Your mother is essentially trying to BUY your attention (through sweatpants). And your son won't die from being cold OR wearing dirty pants.

Your dad giving you a guilt trip doesn't help things. I think he wants to make the drama go away, rather than he actually wants you to do what she wants - he just think it's easiest since he has to live with your mother.

I think you're right about this. He did mention several times about how he has to deal with it as well. But he tried to convey that his point was that she means well so I should focus on that. But I do think he's sick of hearing about it from her, so if I just do what she wants then he gets to stop hearing about it. -OP

[Anonymous]

Sounds similar to my mom. I don't have any advice because nothing I've done has helped. I get the same guilt trips from my father as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you've really worked through this, OP, and you're very mindful of the reasons for the behavior, which helps. You know now that your mom has issues and her coping behaviors are not healthy for you. You're a perfectly good daughter, and she and her enabler, your dad, use the guilt angles to pressure you into giving in to her, even though you know it's unhealthy for you mentally and physically. They both are pushing at your boundaries.

I have recommended the book Boundaries before, because it helps define a lot of the ways people push at our boundaries, and how to handle it. It's helped my husband in dealing with his mom, and he can finally say, "if she pushes, and I stand firm, she's not going to be happy about it, but that's HER problem."

Is this book worth reading if you're not Christian or religious? The info on Amazon says it offers biblically based help which doesn't really appeal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you've really worked through this, OP, and you're very mindful of the reasons for the behavior, which helps. You know now that your mom has issues and her coping behaviors are not healthy for you. You're a perfectly good daughter, and she and her enabler, your dad, use the guilt angles to pressure you into giving in to her, even though you know it's unhealthy for you mentally and physically. They both are pushing at your boundaries.

I have recommended the book Boundaries before, because it helps define a lot of the ways people push at our boundaries, and how to handle it. It's helped my husband in dealing with his mom, and he can finally say, "if she pushes, and I stand firm, she's not going to be happy about it, but that's HER problem."

Is this book worth reading if you're not Christian or religious? The info on Amazon says it offers biblically based help which doesn't really appeal to me.

Yes. I and others I know who've read it who aren't Christian or religious just skip over the religious bits.