Reply to s/o sharing info with mom

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "s/o sharing info with mom "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I identified a lot with the other thread about moms wanting info shared with them only for their own benefit. This has been an ongoing issue with my mom for decades.

When I was growing up my parents, but my mom especially, gave me no privacy. She would listen in on my phone calls, snoop through my things, read notes that I had hidden, and would just be generally intrusive. Whenever I confronted her about this she would deny it and tell me I was paranoid. When I did share information with her about my life she could never just listen. She had to find a way to be critical in some way but she would also catastrophize way beyond what was necessary. So every little thing would turn into a big thing. Between the lack of privacy and the way she reacted when I did share something with her, it just became natural to me to stop sharing information with her.  It should be noted that she has significant anxiety but refuses to admit it so it has never been treated, at least to my knowledge.

The way she shows her love is by buying things for people. She will text and/or call me multiple times a day with photos of things she has found while running errands to see if I want them. I don't have my phone on me during the work day and even if I did I am not in a line of work where I'm able to respond during work hours. My mom is fully aware of this. Then right after work it's a race to pick up from daycare, get dinner on the table, do the bedtime routine and make lunches for the next day. If I haven't responded to her texts or phone calls she will repeat them and start leaving me passive aggressive messages. If I do text her back, she takes that as an opportunity because she knows I have my phone nearby and she'll call me back instead of responding to my text. If I don't want to spend 30 minutes on the phone with her then I don't pick up and that further aggravates her.

The issue is that a simple answer to a question is never enough. She can't just accept the answer. She needs to ask multiple follow-up questions and then switches topics with more questions and more follow-ups. The follow-ups are usually catastrophizing in nature. So if she asks me if I want a pair of sweatpants she saw for DS and I say no thanks, then she starts talking about how he may not have enough warm pants for when the weather turns cold and if I don't get the laundry done then one day when it's really cold he won't have warm pants to wear if I don't have enough pairs. If I say OK to the pants then it's an invitation for her to go buy multiple pairs. I went through a phase when I said yes to everything because it was easier and I ended up with so much crap I didn't want or need. It's just exhausting to listen to during the only 45 minutes I have to myself all day. I know it's rooted in love and she does it because she cares, but it's still exhausting. I had to spend a few years in therapy to retrain my brain to think positively instead of negatively and to reduce the catastrophizing I thought was natural to do. I never even realized that I had a full blown anxiety disorder which was affecting many aspects of my life. I worked really hard to get out of that place and hearing my mom's anxiety so often brings me back there.

A few months ago I just snapped at her and told her enough was enough. She got upset and played the victim and then my dad got involved. My mom can't have a conversation about this without getting defensive and emotional, so I told him what would help to improve our relationship from my perspective. She tried and it helped for a few weeks, but she ended up back where we left off before. In return, I tried to call her more often and respond more promptly to her texts. I would call her on the drive from work to daycare because that way there would be a time limit.

So recently my dad told me that my mom feels unloved by me and wants to have the kind of relationship with me that some of her friends have with their daughters. I would love to have that kind of relationship as well, but instead it's just draining. My dad told me how I can change to make her feel better, and I told him that at some point it has to stop being completely about what she needs and my needs need to be taken into account as well.  I've been having some health issues lately which my parents know about, and the stress over this isn't helping. I feel guilty that I'm not being a good daughter according to them, but I also resent that I'm being told that I have to capitulate to her. I see it as enabling and accommodating her behavior and when I give an inch she takes a mile. I know she is never going to change and the only thing I can control is how I react to it.

I know this post has been long and thanks for reading this far. I want to get some suggestions about how to proceed from here if anyone has been in a similar situation. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics