Parents Constantly Competing with my Inlaws

[Anonymous]

I'm getting to the point where this is just getting old and frustrating.

Anytime I visit my inlaws, my mother is calling me to gossip about my visit. She basically wants me to complain about them. When I don't she gets annoyed. I basically just try and change the subject, I really don't want to get into this with her.

The other things she does is try to be the first one to do everything with our DC. On our last visit with the inlaws we went to an amusement park and our DC rode on some bigger rides for the first time.

I shared about this fun time with my Mom, not really thinking about who I was talking with, and endured a tirade about how SHE wanted to be the first to do that with DC and she's mad that I took DC to the park with them. I just changed the subject to other things. I just can't.

This is getting worse and not better. I thought it might calm down as DC got older, but it hasn't.

I kind of just want to call a spade a spade the next time this happens. The other part of me wants to keep being the bigger person and ignoring/not engaging with her about it, but I'm getting sick of it.

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to call her out on this -- GENTLY. Maybe if it is pointed out, she can recognize what she is doing and correct it.

[Anonymous]

I think you do need to talk with her about it--basically, letting her know that she's being ridiculous competing with the ILs, that over time different people will get different experiences with the kids, but your mom doesn't get to "claim" everything or even much of anything!

And, once said, I wouldn't mention anything about seeing the ILs or what you do with them to her at all, period.

[Anonymous]

Just stop talking to your mom about your in-laws. If she calls while you are visiting with your in-laws, don't answer. Let her leave VM or text and you can call her back at a more appropriate time. Do not tell her anything that you do with your in-laws. If she asks about your in-laws just say that they're fine. If she presses about the visit, you divert. If you cannot divert her from the topic, just say that you don't like discussing the in-laws with her. If she asks why, tell her that she gets unpleasant when you discuss your in-laws with her. And continue to avoid talking about the in-laws with her.

[Anonymous]

Does she get upset with you when you do things first with DC? Or is it just when your ILs get to experience a first? (And wow, is riding a "bigger" amusement ride every a petty first to get upset over.)

How does she handle holidays if you don't go to your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop talking to your mom about your in-laws. If she calls while you are visiting with your in-laws, don't answer. Let her leave VM or text and you can call her back at a more appropriate time. Do not tell her anything that you do with your in-laws. If she asks about your in-laws just say that they're fine. If she presses about the visit, you divert. If you cannot divert her from the topic, just say that you don't like discussing the in-laws with her. If she asks why, tell her that she gets unpleasant when you discuss your in-laws with her. And continue to avoid talking about the in-laws with her.

+100

Someone very wise once told me that sometimes it's best to deal with your parents the same way you deal with the next door neighbors. Only discuss the weather and other superficial topics. Only disclose what is absolutely necessary. "It's a beautiful day here, isn't it? Oh, we need to talk about installing a new fence."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting to the point where this is just getting old and frustrating.

Anytime I visit my inlaws, my mother is calling me to gossip about my visit. She basically wants me to complain about them. When I don't she gets annoyed. I basically just try and change the subject, I really don't want to get into this with her.

The other things she does is try to be the first one to do everything with our DC. On our last visit with the inlaws we went to an amusement park and our DC rode on some bigger rides for the first time.

I shared about this fun time with my Mom, not really thinking about who I was talking with, and endured a tirade about how SHE wanted to be the first to do that with DC and she's mad that I took DC to the park with them. I just changed the subject to other things. I just can't.

This is getting worse and not better. I thought it might calm down as DC got older, but it hasn't.

I kind of just want to call a spade a spade the next time this happens. The other part of me wants to keep being the bigger person and ignoring/not engaging with her about it, but I'm getting sick of it.

Too many grandparents these days see themselves as excessively important. My mother has tried this crap too. They're acting like 12 year olds. It's insidious behavior.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, I know all about that. My mother even begrudges us the time we take to visit my ILs, let alone do anything with them. The first year we spent a week with them and a week with my parents (fair, right?) she had a FIT, saying we were just using her (what? how?).

You can't fix crazy, but you can call it out! I have to use plain, direct language, because nothing else gets through to her. It doesn't make her happy obviously, but she stops for a while... until next time.

[Anonymous]

My parents and inlaws live in the same city. My parents would rather fly across the country to visit us for 3 days and have us all to themselves than to "share" us for a 2 week visit (1 week with them, 1 at my inlaws) if we come to them. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

How was her mil? I'd remind her she should be happy you have a supportive mil and you are trying to continue to cultivate that instead of being negative.

[Anonymous]

Oh that's not so cool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and inlaws live in the same city. My parents would rather fly across the country to visit us for 3 days and have us all to themselves than to "share" us for a 2 week visit (1 week with them, 1 at my inlaws) if we come to them. I don't get it.

This is not the same level of crazy at all, and kudos to your parents for their willingness to 1) articulate what they want and 2) make it happen themselves.

[Anonymous]

My divorced parents do this. Makes me not w ant to see either one.

[Anonymous]

My mom is insanely jealous of my ILs. About a year ago I had a frank discussion with her in which I emphasized the things mom does that we / grandkids really like or that she does better than MIL. I also said that there are a lot of things that ILs do that bother me but for my personal peace of mind I will not discuss or dwell on them. Mom has been better since.
I also arrange regular Skype calls between my parents and kids, and make sure their visits include some special art project or day trip. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Was your mom like this with your father's side of the family when you guys were growing up.

My mom was. Very welcoming but very insecure around my father's side. Always threatened by friendships/closeness as if it was a slight against her or her side. But due to age differences and distance and finances, we ended up seeing my dad's side more, and she definitely resented it. I think I eventually learned to ignore it and not let it affect my relationships, but I dealt with years of guilt.

She does it with my inlaws now too, though not anything as direct or explicit as your mom. I do think you should try to talk to her once, but know that given whatever insecurities she's dealing with, this may never go away. You just need to set boundaries and let her deal with it.