Parents Constantly Competing with my Inlaws

[Anonymous]

I would be direct, and gentle, and talk to her about it. Before doing that I would try to think of a few things that are unique to your mother that perhaps could be her "thing" to do w/ her grandkids. She can't be first at everything, that isn't realistic or fair (or mature) of her to expect. But she could be the grandmother who knits, or who loves science, or who teaches them to cook, or who loves taking them to the movies, etc...

But for your own sanity I think you need to confront this directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your mom like this with your father's side of the family when you guys were growing up.

My mom was. Very welcoming but very insecure around my father's side. Always threatened by friendships/closeness as if it was a slight against her or her side. But due to age differences and distance and finances, we ended up seeing my dad's side more, and she definitely resented it. I think I eventually learned to ignore it and not let it affect my relationships, but I dealt with years of guilt.

She does it with my inlaws now too, though not anything as direct or explicit as your mom. I do think you should try to talk to her once, but know that given whatever insecurities she's dealing with, this may never go away. You just need to set boundaries and let her deal with it.

I think some people have an innate dislike or even hatred for in-laws. Maybe it's even in their DNA. I know my own mother was this way. She has had something negative to say about almost everyone in our family who isn't "blood;" even her own sister in-law who she gets along with. I think she almost can't help herself. Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to in-laws. Maybe it is a sort of DNA survival competition or something. In my own family, I've been blown away by the competition and dislike and badmouthing I've witnessed.

[Anonymous]

My parents have only met my in-laws twice, but OMG its such a one-sided competition with them. They count every day spent with my husband's side of the family, even for things like funerals. I had to call them out on it and put my foot down that if they wanted to spend any time with their grandchildren they needed to knock it off. It's been better since then - they may be tracking it still but at least they don't mention it to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents (local) and my husband s parents were like this, especially about gifts, photos, and time. Local gps were annoyed the others got 4 straight days, they were tallying up hours. There were other issues, and we barely talk to either side now.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this and has been for the entirety of our marriage. My husband took our daughter to meet her for breakfast on Mother's Day. They brought presents and cards and had a lovely time. She called my husband later in the day to grill him on whether or not my mother was invited to our house. Apparently, Mother's Day doesn't count if I spend any time with my own mother on Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL. The best tactic we've found is to limit the flow of information. Obviously that doesn't work all the time and you can't tie yourself up in knots over it, but just NOT mentioning things is a good first step. So when my DD spent the night at my moms for the first time, we just didn't tell my MIL that happened. For other thingstry parroting back what she's saying to you. She'll hear how ridiculous it sounds (hopefully!). So you'd say "huh mom, so you'd like me to make sure Larla never does anything new without you there to witness it? Is that what you're saying? Because that doesn't seem to be in Larlas best interest".