Online dating and divorced-exhausting
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Anonymous
| I am divorced mom of 2 with a 50/50 split. I have three free nights a week and I've started online dating in earnest. It is exhausting because I'm finding that I can't decide in one date whether someone is a keeper or not. So the result is follow up dates with these guys but it is taking up all my time and I'm having less time to run errands, work out or prep for when my kids are with me. Plus, I'm an introvert and need the downtime. How does one manage this conundrum? Please help. |
Anonymous
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Instead of focusing on online dating, I would join some meetup groups and start regularly attending. You'll be around people with whom you share an interest, you'll see them on a regular basis (you can find groups that meet on days when you are available) and you can get to know people over time and more in depth than you would on a series of first dates.
Online dating is a good way to meet lots of men, but it's scattershot and can take a while to hit, as you have learned. That makes it a bit more exhausting than normal socializing through a meetup group might be. |
Anonymous
| I agree with PP. I started doing Meetups as a way to explore some interests and fill time when I don't have my kids and my friends are busy. I have met several great guys this way and am currently dating one. For me it is much easier to feel comfortable and be myself in a group activity setting than a first date. I feel for you. It is really hard to find time for yourself as a single working parent. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| My solution was to take a couple months break (hide my profile) whenever I felt like my stress about dating was outweighing my enjoyment of dating. Also, when I started dating, I was all about "I should be open to the possibilities and give everyone a chance," but overtime I realized my instincts are pretty good and if I think someone has dealbreakers before we meet or after the first day, I should just trust that feeling. It is really challenging to balance everything, but there is no way to make more days in the week. |
Anonymous
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Why are you even looking for a "keeper"?
Date casually for a while. Have fun. |
Anonymous
Because I enjoy being in a committed relationship with depth. |
Anonymous
I think the easiest thing to do is take it more slowly -- one guy at a time. That means probably one evening a week for 2-3 weeks. Yes, you'll lose some "fish," but more people join every day, and dating won't take over your life. |
Anonymous
Patience - Clearly will take some time. Plus you get better at identifying the parasites and 'dead ends' |
Anonymous
| "Dead end"? I prefer to be called the road less traveled. |
Anonymous
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I had this issue too.
For me, getting exercise is an important thing to do while I have non kid days. So I'd suggest tennis dates, walks along four mile run, later for 3rd or 4th dates I'd suggest some day hikes. The idea is to combine what is on your list with getting to know someone a little better, little but at a time.... |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar situation (divorced mom). Keep dating online. It does take a lot of energy and time, it just is what it is. But you get out of it what you put in. For me it was not helpful to go to Meetup events or just "do what I enjoy"--all I did was meet other women (which is great for friendships) or men I wasn't interested in. I do things I love, but it's not how I met my now new DH.
With experience and an algorithm, you'll develop better ways of assessing whether someone is worth your time. I'm glad you're giving people more than one date. That's a service to you and them. Today there's pressure to "know" really quickly whether you want to see someone again. Don't self-impose that. Take your time. You can always back off, reduce, or take breaks, but I would say stay with it. I'd dated a bunch and met some great guys, but hadn't really found anyone super special to me and was going to take a break. I scheduled one more new date with someone and he ended up knocking my socks off. 5 years later, I am so glad I kept at it. |
Anonymous
| I agree with one date a week. Then you still have two nights for other activities, exercise, etc... Once you meet someone you like you can start incorporating those things into dates. But if you want to be in a committed relationship you do need to keep at it. |
Anonymous
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When DH and I divorced i had zero desire to meet anyone. I was just happy to be alone. Happy to do my own thing. I got in the best shape i had been in in years. Got a ton of sleep and really focused on me. People would try to set me up and then people would be preplexed that I wasn't into dating and definitely not the hassle of online dating. You know what hapoened? I met a great guy at the gym. He saw me at my worse each day, stinky, sweaty, no makeup, half asleep. I didn't try to impress him and actually tried avoiding his conversation, but he was persistent. We are now happily together, unmarried (cause i sure as HELL am not so stupid to give up my hefty monthly haul) and it's perfect. It wasn't work, it wasn't a chore and he fits into my life, i don't squeeze him in between.
Sometimes you find someone when you are not looking, but just focusing on yourself. |
Anonymous
| I've been divorced almost three years and also have 50/50 custody. I have a full time job and a couple of hobbies I'm passionate about so very little free time. Been through the exact same thing. I agree limit it to one date a week and take breaks when you need to. I have probably been on at least 30 first dates. Only two of them lasted more than 4 weeks. (Current one included - fingers crossed.) In the meantime I've dated a few guys I met in real life, have developed amazing female friendships and have really learned to love my own company! |
Anonymous
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Perhaps dating shouldn't be at the top of your priority list now.
It seems like it is an actual CHORE to you at this point & time in your life. When your kids get older + more independent perhaps you can resume dating again, but for now you need to focus more on the other important things in your life now. 
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