What consequence should I give to ds?

[Anonymous]

My 7th grade ds got a behavior slip today. He called out unrelated things in class to try to get other kids attention, making them laugh.
The teacher first gave him two warnings, then a behavior slip, after that, he was able to calm down.
I saw the teacher's email earlier today. I was going to talk to him tonight , was planning to just remind him of staying focus in class.

When I picked him up, he asked my phone by making up an reason. I gave him my phone. After he gave it back to me, I suddenly feel he
Was trying to delete the teacher's email. I checked, yes he deleted it, but it's still in the trash box. I couldn't believe what he did!!
I'm in shock, angry, thinking he need s big consequence.
How should I talk to him, what consequence should I give him to make him learn
A lesson? What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Is this a normally very-well-behaved-in-school kid? My first read of this is that he was just curious what happens when you get in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Op here. No, ds is generally not well behaved kid in class. He tends to call out to get other kids attention.
He is impulsive, has adhd. Last year, he got lots of behavior slip for the same reason. This is the first one this year.
I was hope he can mature a bit this year.

[Anonymous]

I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

[Anonymous]

Make him write an apology to the teacher stating what he did wrong, WHY it was wrong, how it affected others (students AND teacher) and what he will do next time he has the urge to do that again.

As for deleting your email, I would tell him you know he did that. If he has a phone I'd take it away. Say no to anything he asks for. No phone, tv, video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

Oh wait, I misunderstood the part about him deleting the teacher's email FROM YOUR PHONE. Sorry, but for me that would be a big deal. We don't share electronics in our house and the kids don't have my email password, so I don't see how this could come up for us... thinking about what I might do, I would say no non-essential electronics usage for a lengthy period, and any use would be supervised, since he's shown he can't be trusted to use it responsibly. If he had a phone he would be switched back to a prepaid dumb phone for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

From a teacher, this is not supportive at all. Expectations for school should be reinforced at home. We need your support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

From a teacher, this is not supportive at all. Expectations for school should be reinforced at home. We need your support.

With what? My kids HATED detentions. 2 of mine graduated without getting a single one, and my 8th grader has gotten a handful and now sworn to avoid them in the future. If you mess up in one are of your life, there are unpleasant consequences in that area but separate situations have little to do with each other. If I got a bad performance review at work, I wouldn't expect it to cause my home life to fall apart, nor would I expect anyone at work to care about any family problem I was having. Similarly, I would never make home discipline the teacher's problem but once a consequence has occurred for behavior I consider the case closed. Why invent trouble? How you behave gets you the consequences that logically result; if you don't like it, change the behavior that caused it.

[Anonymous]

Apology to the teacher and no electronics for a week. He is never allow on your phone in the future. We give consequences at home if they get in trouble at school. Apology note and something else.

[Anonymous]

I agree with taking away electronics. What he did with the email was SO WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you have to implement a consequence for the deletion of the email: your DS crossed a major line there. But I would also suggest that you must have a calm conversation about why he took that step. Is there a fear of judgment or anger that is clouding his decision-making? He needs to own up to that choice and understand what led him to it if he is to make better choices in the future.

[Anonymous]

The deleting email is a way bigger deal than the behavior, in my opinion. That would really upset me. My son did something similar when he was in maybe 4th grade or so, and I was really sad, thinking I had raised such a dishonest, deceptive child. We sat him down and talked to him very calmly but sternly and expressed our disappointment in his actions. Strangely enough, that seemed to be a huge punishment to him. Moreso than taking electronics away (maybe because we do that all the time for minor infractions). I don't think that would work with all kids, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

The school already gave consequences: getting multiple warning, a referral slip, and a message home. The message home is the final stop and now the parent is expected to support the teacher by enacting consequences at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The deleting email is a way bigger deal than the behavior, in my opinion. That would really upset me. My son did something similar when he was in maybe 4th grade or so, and I was really sad, thinking I had raised such a dishonest, deceptive child. We sat him down and talked to him very calmly but sternly and expressed our disappointment in his actions. Strangely enough, that seemed to be a huge punishment to him. Moreso than taking electronics away (maybe because we do that all the time for minor infractions). I don't think that would work with all kids, though.

I can see how his disrespect for your privacy would bother you more. But, from the teacher's perspective he/she is probably pretty bothered by his disrespect toward her. You need to attend to both issue--they are separate, but related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let the school give consequences at school. Probably wouldn't do extra at home. He'll either toe the line at school, or get stuck with escalating unpleasant disciplinary action. If one of my kids get themselves into Saturday School, there go their weekend plans. Not fun. The natural consequences of bad behavior seem sufficient to me; I do not generally give any consequence that I have to make up instead of just letting life take its course.

Saturday school is not given as a punishment for misbehavior in school.