S/o when a child won't work with a particular parent
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Anonymous
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In the thread where the mom is asking if a math question is too hard, she mentions that her child won't do schoolwork with her and some parents responded that would not be optional in their house. I'm wondering how you make that work?
I've got an 8 year old who hates doing schoolwork or reading with his dad. I can't figure out why. Generally, Dad is the preferred parent but our son shuts down it comes to schoolwork. If we force him to read to his dad, he will use a little tiny voice and hesitate over very easy words and generally be miserable. For me, he complains but he also just does it. Same with projects, school work, etc. I've wondered if he's worried about disappointing Dad? FWIW, Dad spoils the kids rotten and they could not disappoint him. My husband does maybe jump in a little too quickly with the reading, instead of letting him figure out the word or figure out the word he tried wasn't right, but it's not that bad and it's the only thing I can see that 's different between us. I guess I also enjoy the whole thing a lot more and maybe our child picks up on this? I'd really like to trade off these duties sometimes. Any advice besides forcing him? |
Anonymous
| At 8 he doesn't need to read aloud to either of you anymore, he can read in his own head. |
Anonymous
| My son prefers not to work on math with his dad because DH is rather critical - I would not say abusive but definitely had on DS - along the lines of, "I can't believe someone as smart as you would make a mistake like that!" So when I can I'll work with DS, but the reality is that I have a busy life and a job, so sometimes he has to suck it up and go to Dad for help if I'm unavailable and he needs it. I've talked to DH, he hasn't changed, the math needs to get done, and the reality is that not everything in life will be pleasant all of the time, and at the end of the day it is DS's responsibility to get it done and get the help he needs to do it. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes one parent is better at teaching a particular subject than another parent. That's all. The goal is to get the kid to learn. Focusing on "you MUST work with dad on your math" completely is picking the wrong battle. The battle is math. |
Anonymous
I understand that completely, and as I said previously, I help him when I am able. But helping him with math is not my only obligation in life, and if I am not available, and he needs help, he has to go to his dad. That's all there is to it. The battle is the math, and the math has to get done. |
Anonymous
| One of my kids is a bit like this. I see his response as part of two distinct and separate issues/circumstances: first, this kid is a very routine-oriented child and generally balks at any change and 2) the kids see Dad more as "the fun parent" and seem to have trouble adapting when he's in an unusual role. Because of our schedules and division of labor, the reality is that I am more likely to help with homework. But when it's my husband's turn, oh well, I tjust let him and kids figure it out on their own and don't worry too much! |
Anonymous
Well then reflect hard on why the two of you alternately bring out the worst in your kid and stop doing that behavior. The goal here is math. Not everything has to be a parenting lesson. If you still can't manage it, contract out with a tutor. |
Anonymous
You are asking for a lot of maturity from a kid whose dad is such an ass when helping. It is DS' responsibility to put in a good effort, and to seek extra help from the teacher. No child has an obligation to get every answer right or to sign up for "help" from a parent like that. |
Anonymous
| I usually do homework after school but sometimes leave some for dad just so he's used to working with both of us. You set the expectations early. Our kid likes one of us there with him so we don't just say figure it out and let us know if you have a problem. We let him do it and guide him if it is not correct. |
Anonymous
| My DS is pretty sensitive to over-controlling behavior and tends to shut down. I have to monitor my perfectionist tendencies and just let him work his own way to the answer with a nudge here and there to help him stay on track. |
Anonymous
Sorry to hear you feel that way, but the "parenting lesson" is that my life does not revolve around giving DS everything he wants 100 percent of the time, which I think is a good one. |
Anonymous
and all I'm saying is pick your battles. fail to do so at your peril. I think it is really weird that we're talking about math homework (when children are often at their weakest and needing our most skilled parenting efforts) and you seem fixated on his potentially selfish nature. I repeat: pick your battles. |
Anonymous
Not true. Developing oral reading fluency is still very important at that age, particularly if a child is behind at all. -Teacher |
Anonymous
+1!!! - Another teacher |
Anonymous
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I am the default parent, so my children usually like getting help from their father when it's an option.
If there is an option, I support it. There's nothing wrong with having a preference. When it's not an option, we soldier through as best we can. I also accept critique from the kids. I have a tendency to over explain, so they've learned to tell me when they get it, and I've been getting better at not over explaining. A little bit, anyway. |