When your child's best friend's family is going through a divorce

[Anonymous]

The oldest and closest friend of our 11-year-old son is about to get the news from his parents that they are splitting. They've been heading downhill for awhile now but we were told over the weekend one is moving out in two weeks and they formalities are underway to make it a permanent split.

Their child, in the words of the therapist who is reviewing his well-being for the case, will be "absolutely blindsided" by the news. While that may be an exaggeration, it certainly is going to be a difficult time for him. We suspect that he'll come to our son for advice, comfort, friendship, or whatever.

Can anyone recommend any resources for kids so that we can help prepare our son on how best to help his friend?

[Anonymous]

I have an 11 year old boy. The last thing he and his friends would do is TALK about the divorce. But they would all really appreciate being distracted with video games and movie nights!

I would talk to your son, to reassure him that this is not going to happen in your family.

[Anonymous]

I was 11 when my parents divorced and although it was definitely for the best, I was embarrassed to tell friends whose parents weren't divorced. I can't remember why I felt like that but I did so I would tell your son that unless this kid brings it up to him, don't mention it. Nor should you. Don't overtly ask him how he or his parents are doing or offer to talk. Just open up your home, invite him over a lot, and make that a place he knows he can go to "get away" from the divorce stuff. Don't coddle him but just, you know, open up your home so he knows he is still welcome and loved there and can just be a regular kid when he comes over not "the kid whose parents are divorcing."

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old DS's friend's parents split and I dont think the little boy has even told my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have an 11 year old boy. The last thing he and his friends would do is TALK about the divorce. But they would all really appreciate being distracted with video games and movie nights!

I would talk to your son, to reassure him that this is not going to happen in your family.

I'd advise against tempting fate this way, actually. Bad plan.

[Anonymous]

Tell your son not to bring it up to his friend.

I agree with PPs. Doubtful an 11 year old boy is going to want to have a heart-to-heart with another 11 year old boy about his feelings about his parents separating.

[Anonymous]

My son is 11, and I think he talks about our divorce with friends. But it happened a few years ago.

I don't know if you're close to the mom, but I think what you could really do to help is encourage her to call you any time she needs help or a playdate or sleepover for her son.

(You could do this for the dad if you're closer to him.)

Taking care of the parents is a way to take care of the kids of divorce. It's a terrible and traumatic time, and if you can take some of the stress off them, it will be better for their child.

And you could help but shutting down any gossip or speculation about the divorce. All my friends had a great line about me not talking about my divorce because of my children. That shut people up. I was shocked by how many people tried to find out the story about my divorce. Many were just concerned, but still and all it upset me.

As for the child being blindsided, my three children were blindsided too, but only because the end of my marriage occurred very abruptly because of some horrible circumstances. Otherwise, you're really supposed to prepare the children - kids aren't dumb, and so I'm sure he knows things weren't right in his family. Maybe he won't be as surprised as his parents think he'll be.

And agree about not telling your children that it won't happen to them. It's kind of not nice. You don't sound like the kind of family that would say this, though.

I think it's great that you care enough to do this.

[Anonymous]

I would never mind someone else's personal business. Kids need to play, not deal with grown up issues plus, it's not YOUR business.

[Anonymous]

I'd prepare your kid to have empathy if the kid starts acting out. When I was a kid, my best friend's parents divorced at around that age and I remember thinking her personality had totally changed (lots of bragging, mean girl behavior -- probably compensating for what was really going on) and I pulled away.

[Anonymous]

We are going through this now but are also very close with her best friends parents. What we've been doing is keeping kid a lot to shelter her from some of the stuff that's going on over there with the moving, packing, etc and keeping her mind off things by staying with us on the weekends and some weeknights, going places etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd prepare your kid to have empathy if the kid starts acting out. When I was a kid, my best friend's parents divorced at around that age and I remember thinking her personality had totally changed (lots of bragging, mean girl behavior -- probably compensating for what was really going on) and I pulled away.

One of the biggest pet peeves around here amongst divorced moms is that other moms attribute all sorts of unrelated behavior to a divorce. I have boys, but one mother at my children's school had a difficult daughter and kept blaming it on a divorced mom's daughter. Fast forward two years and she's now blaming her daughter's behavior on another child "whose parents keep moving around too much." I don't know if she'll ever realize that it's her daughter who is the problem.

I think your post says a lot of negative things about you.