Those in happy relationships: needing vs. wanting your spouse

[Anonymous]

If you're happy with your marriage, do you feel like you NEED your spouse? Or do you predominantly feel like you WANT your spouse (not just in a sexual way, but more generally)? Or some of both?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't feel like I need my spouse, but it's nice that he's there. Neediness is very childlike, where you feel someone else always has to be there responding to you, doing for you. You'll wear out your partner. You'll need to step up and take responsibility. Adults can take care of their own needs, but it's nice to have a partner to share the workload and burdens with, especially when you have children.

[Anonymous]

I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're happy with your marriage, do you feel like you NEED your spouse? Or do you predominantly feel like you WANT your spouse (not just in a sexual way, but more generally)? Or some of both?

I feel like it is some of both and DH answered the same.

Happy marriage of 20 years with 4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Well I need his income and support to raise my children. We would all survive without him of course, but it would be much more difficult. Kind of like he needs me to keep his life organized. He'd be a mess without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I need his income and support to raise my children. We would all survive without him of course, but it would be much more difficult. Kind of like he needs me to keep his life organized. He'd be a mess without me.

Wow. Are you me? This is exactly the dynamic for my DH and I.

[Anonymous]

The biggest take away from a short bit of marriage counselling is"I choose you", not "I need you". I try to think of this daily, that I choose my spouse. Sometimes we say it to each other. We've been married 28 years.

[Anonymous]

Yes I need a partner in life. I'm not a needy person but I wouldn't have kids or a house without a husband. We want and need each other. We could manage without each other but "managing" isn't all that I want in life.

[Anonymous]

I don't need him. I've always been very independent, I work and make decent money, and I enjoy doing things by myself. But I definitely want him. He is gorgeous and sexy, and all of the activities and things I can do perfectly fine by myself, he just makes better. He's just a perfect complement to me.

[Anonymous]

Never need. Always want. I read something to that effect when I was 12. That marriage is best when you have chosen to be with that person, not forced to be. It really stuck with me at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

This is me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

This is me too. However, there have been some times when I needed him. Recently my dad suffered complications during surgery. I remember this desperate need for DH to be with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're happy with your marriage, do you feel like you NEED your spouse? Or do you predominantly feel like you WANT your spouse (not just in a sexual way, but more generally)? Or some of both?

I feel like it is some of both and DH answered the same.

Happy marriage of 20 years with 4 kids.

We agree. I asked my DH and he said "both". I feel the same. I need him. I do not feel complete without him. We are part of a team. I want him. There is no one in this world I would rather spend time with.

We started dating at 15, got married at 21 during our senior year of college, and have been married 30 years. Five kids. I cannot imagine a life without him.

[Anonymous]

Really good perspective here.

I am a really independent man, but DW and I have a big libido gap and she says its a real turn off for her to see me as needy, sexually speaking. (I wouldn't be needy if we were having more sex, but that is a different story). Women see neediness as childlike.

[Anonymous]

I need my DH because I have yet to find a better human being or friend or a father for my children than him in my life. I also want my DH because I cannot imagine having sex with someone else. I think it is combination of love, lust, respect and trust.

I know that people should look at the inner beauty of a person, (and I am glad he has that) but, I think I am a bit shallow because I also married him for his looks. He made my knees go weak when I met him because of his physical beauty. I realize that I just cannot sleep with a man who is not handsome. That is the reason I have a whole lot of respect for non-shallow women like Kylie Jenner or even Melania Trump, who can see the inner beauty of a man. And I mean it very seriously.