Those in happy relationships: needing vs. wanting your spouse

[Anonymous]

I don't need my spouse, although there's no doubt that having two adults makes raising a family and running a household easier. But if I had to do it on my own, I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

+1

I think when you really love someone, the "need" part does creep in. For me, it's not about not being able to manage life alone (I did for many years before marriage), but rather just that I sure like life a hell of a lot more now that DH is in it, and the idea of something happening to him makes me feel pretty terrible.

Managing that feeling is a) a nice problem to have and b) an interesting aspect of the human condition. I've heard some people phrase it as the "courage to love very deeply" instead of keeping it shallow, and this resonates with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really good perspective here.

I am a really independent man, but DW and I have a big libido gap and she says its a real turn off for her to see me as needy, sexually speaking. (I wouldn't be needy if we were having more sex, but that is a different story). Women see neediness as childlike.

Everyone sees extreme neediness as childlike, but it's true, it's worse for women to perceive it in men. Major lady-boner killer. Sorry, but at least you know what to work on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're happy with your marriage, do you feel like you NEED your spouse? Or do you predominantly feel like you WANT your spouse (not just in a sexual way, but more generally)? Or some of both?

I feel like I WANT my spouse - never NEED. I am a whole person, and although I really am amazed more and more all the time by single-parents, I can function alone and I could raise my child alone. I have been single before, and I could handle being single again. I want my spouse, but I do not need my spouse...and at the moment, from the physical perspective, that's good because we are in a drought.

[Anonymous]

I am in the 'little of both' camp. I think there are two definitions of need.

1) I literally need you to subsist, ie, you provide me shelter and food and nurture and without you consistently providing me these things I would fall apart or die

2) I need you to be happy. I need to have you in my life to feel fulfilled and complete.

I do not need my DH per #1 but I do per #2. Which is not to say that if something happened to him or if we divorced that I couldn't manage. I could. But I could not be who I am today, happy and fulfilled and full of deep love for him without him. Even if I went on to remarry I would be different. This version of me needs him to exist, and this is my favorite version of me so far, so I'd like to keep it around.

[Anonymous]

I need and want my DW's companionship. She is my best friend.

- together for 35 years

[Anonymous]

Yes, over the years we have been together, I have allowed myself to rely on him more and more, mainly because he has been so predictable in his acceptance of me and that has made me feel more secure. "No man (or woman) is an island". I certainly am not co-dependant.

I've always wanted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

Yes, this.

I need him in my life because I love him. I can't imagine not having him here.

After my divorce, I was single for 7 years. I wanted to make sure I was with someone because I wanted to be with them, not because I needed to be with someone.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine used to tell her husband regularly that she didn't "need" him. She didn't need a husband at all.

So, he left and found someone who did feel like they needed him in their life. He's much happier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't NEED my spouse in that I am needy (I am not), but I NEED him in that I cannot (and do not want to)imagine my life without him. But I do really want him, too.

+1

[Anonymous]

I need him, he needs me. We are best friends. Together 40 years.

My son's first wife said she didn't need him. They divorced. His second wife says she needs him. Marriage is solid.

Other son's first wife said she didn't need him. He left her, divorced. Second wife said she didn't need him, he left and divorced her too. Both tried to get him back, he found another that needs him.

[Anonymous]

I'm unapologetic about needing my DH. He is my rock. Hes so steady. When i feel like seas are choppy i look to him and there hebis, ateadfast, confident and calm. He makes me better. He loves the role he plays in our marriage.