My wife's ex passed!

[Anonymous]

My wife's ex passed and even though they did not have a great relationship she is grieving very publicly and privately. I'm finding it difficult and since I am the one that is there for her and the 3 kids I am having a hard time being neutral. Is this normal or am I being jealous over a dead man?

[Anonymous]

I think it is pretty normal, but I understand why you would have a hard time.

[Anonymous]

It's normal. She is probably grieving for all the hopes that never came to be and remembering all that pain, not to mention having to get her kids through it. I would give her space and not take it personally. Death can hit people in unexpected ways.

[Anonymous]

OP just hang on. Remember, she chose YOU. There's a lot of emotion and distress regarding her former relationship that she has walled off for years, and the situation has allowed her brain to let it all out, beyond her control.

She will be better than before, after she is done.

Without you saying a word, everyone around her is aware that this is hard on you and that you are being a gem--and that's why you're the better catch. Keep being you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal for her to be sad about the death of her ex, especially since (I am assuming) he was the biological father of her children. I would expect this to be very difficult news.

However, this very public grieving that she is doing sounds a bit over the top, possibly bordering on disrespectful to you. Is she sobbing and looking for others to comfort her or is she simply weeping with others who were close to him? How are the kids doing?

I would give her a day or two to let his death sink in. Since he wasn't an every day part of her life she should be able to move on soon.

[Anonymous]

Her kids just lost their father, so whatever her feelings about her ex, that is a reason for great sorrow.

[Anonymous]

It might be more simply a realization that death is a very real possibility. It's one thing for your 99 yo grandmother to die, but it is quite a different story for someone your age to be gone forever. A former loved one is not an abstract but a concrete reminder that things don't always go as planned. She might become very concerned with saving money soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her kids just lost their father, so whatever her feelings about her ex, that is a reason for great sorrow.

This. No matter how I felt I would be acting this way to for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for her to be sad about the death of her ex, especially since (I am assuming) he was the biological father of her children. I would expect this to be very difficult news.

However, this very public grieving that she is doing sounds a bit over the top, possibly bordering on disrespectful to you. Is she sobbing and looking for others to comfort her or is she simply weeping with others who were close to him? How are the kids doing?

I would give her a day or two to let his death sink in. Since he wasn't an every day part of her life she should be able to move on soon.

Well she put up a post on Facebook about valuing something/someone after its gone with a picture of the ex and the kids. I may be petty but I didn't expect to feel hurt by this.

[Anonymous]

She just wants people to know that she cared for him, she played a role in his life, and even though they were no longer married, she valued him and his life. Death is a complex time. You didn't like him, that's OK. These kids lost a father, regardless, even though you were the one to step up when needed.

It will be a complex time for you.But, after awhile, everything will even out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for her to be sad about the death of her ex, especially since (I am assuming) he was the biological father of her children. I would expect this to be very difficult news.

However, this very public grieving that she is doing sounds a bit over the top, possibly bordering on disrespectful to you. Is she sobbing and looking for others to comfort her or is she simply weeping with others who were close to him? How are the kids doing?

I would give her a day or two to let his death sink in. Since he wasn't an every day part of her life she should be able to move on soon.

Well she put up a post on Facebook about valuing something/someone after its gone with a picture of the ex and the kids. I may be petty but I didn't expect to feel hurt by this.

I think that's normal. It isn't about you, it's about her feeling sad about her kids' biological dad passing away and wanting others to know that she and the kids are feeling his loss through posting this little tribute to him. It's just her way of saying goodbye and tying up loose ends.

Hopefully it will be a comfort to those who were closest to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for her to be sad about the death of her ex, especially since (I am assuming) he was the biological father of her children. I would expect this to be very difficult news.

However, this very public grieving that she is doing sounds a bit over the top, possibly bordering on disrespectful to you. Is she sobbing and looking for others to comfort her or is she simply weeping with others who were close to him? How are the kids doing?

I would give her a day or two to let his death sink in. Since he wasn't an every day part of her life she should be able to move on soon.

Well she put up a post on Facebook about valuing something/someone after its gone with a picture of the ex and the kids. I may be petty but I didn't expect to feel hurt by this.

I think that's normal. It isn't about you, it's about her feeling sad about her kids' biological dad passing away and wanting others to know that she and the kids are feeling his loss through posting this little tribute to him. It's just her way of saying goodbye and tying up loose ends.

Hopefully it will be a comfort to those who were closest to him.

I agree with the pp-it's a way to show respect to his friends and family-particularly if things were ugly at some point during the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Try to remember this is not a statement on your relationship, nor is it one on her past with him. It is a statement of compassion about the untimely death of someone she shared a life with and had children by. Silence on her part now would raise more questions on that past then a show of grief. How you treat her now (because she very vulnerable) is going to remembered by her and have an impact on your marriage. Are you going to be that generous soulmate that she could share anything with or are you going to be a petty spiteful man insecure over a dead guy? While you question her actions you give a long look to your own. They speak volumes.

[Anonymous]

IMO, it's fine for you to feel that way; what's not fine is to share that feeling with her. At least not now; maybe after some time has passed.

Find a trusted friend to vent to. And consider the possibility that maybe she feels some relief that he is out of her life for good; and also is feeling a ton of guilt for feeling that relief? Grief can bring up a lot of strange and tangled emotions.

[Anonymous]

Now would be a great time to be the strong, silent type.

Grief brings out all kinds of weird things and usually at the weirdest times, at least that's been my experience. Let her work through it her way, at her pace.

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings because I can understand where you're coming from. Major awkwardness with a side of nagging doubts and a bunch of stress for dessert.

Hug her a lot, stand by her side but for your own sake keep this one to yourself. There's too much other drama going on.

Talk with a buddy or vent to us, just let her grieve without worrying about you.