Raising an adopted child Jewish

[Anonymous]

We are Jewish and we have a biological child, age 3. After struggling with secondary infertility for 2 years it seems that we cannot have anymore children (I have uterus problems that cannot be treated). We would love to adopt but my concern is about raising a child in the Jewish faith who was not born Jewish. Namely, is it fair to the child to raise him/her Jewish when they were not born from Jewish birthparents? Would they always feel different/out of place in the family or feel that Judaism wasn't the right fit for them, since they wouldn't be choosing to convert? When you adopt from another country I know that it's important to introduce your child to the traditions/culture of her home country, so she doesn't lose that part of her heritage. Would the same be true of religion, and if so, how would we do this given that we do not feel comfortable celebrating non-Jewish holidays or attending church services?

We are not very religious (reform) but Judaism is very important to us and being a member of the Jewish community is central to our family life. Our child will go to Hebrew/Sunday school, have a B'nai Mitzvah, etc., and being involved in the synagogue is very important to us.

My husband, who is also Jewish, has an adopted sister from a South American country who as an adult no longer considers herself Jewish, married a non-Jewish man, and is raising her kids in the Christian faith. I have a first cousin who is adopted (family is Jewish), and he married a non-Jewish woman and considers himself to be Christian and is raising his kids Christian. I guess I look at these two family members who are adopted and who chose not to continue being Jewish and to raise their kids in their birth faith and I wonder if my child would feel similarly.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

[Anonymous]

How would your child feel? Flip a coin.

[Anonymous]

I can't speak to being adopted but interfaith marriage is very common these days.

My family is Jewish. My brother and I were given the same Jewish education and attended the same Jewish camps. He married a Christian woman and I would only date Jewish men. We've talked about it and he says he just never felt the connection that I did. He says he did it for our parents but once his bar mitzvah was over, he was done. Since we were both offered the same opportunities to develop a love of Judaism and it worked for one and not the other, I don't know how you foster that feeling.

Go talk to your rabbi. S/he has seen this before and can provide some good insight.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine OP. We adopted our DD from a birth Mother who identifies as Muslim ( not sure how strongly) but we are raising her as a Christian in the Episcopal faith.
It is all she has ever known. Your kid will never know any different and like your biological kid will make his or her own decisions regarding faith as an adult.

[Anonymous]

if you are feeling this way already, then adopt a jewish baby

[Anonymous]

Op, it depends on the child and person. Reality is it is much easier to be Christian than Jewish in our country. It's far more accepted. It's not unreasonable that kids gravitate toward their birth religion. I am Jewish and not practicing. I will tell you we got calls where the birth mom was clear she wanted a Christian home for her child. That was not us. Our child is biologically Jewish from her maternal line. We did not plan it but it we found out much later in the adoption from a grandparent who we are close to. It's possible to get a Jewish child but very rare. You have to be open to the fact that if you do a transracial adoption the child may be more comfortable with their biological roots and it's important to expose them to both. Some kids who are adopted do not care. I cannot see ours caring but others I know have very strong identifications with either their birth or adopted families. Our adoption is very open and we consider her birth family on the maternal side our relatives whom we get along with very well so for us it's very hard to differiante nature vs nurture as we are very similar. You know it will be a struggle depending on the child, so the better question is are you ok with that and what is your plan to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Your child can equally grow up to become an Atheist. You have no control over his/her belief as an adult. All you can do is raise your child the best you can in the Jewish faith and hope for the best outcome. I was raised in a christian home, while I still belief in God I question most of the religious practices. I don't attend church as much as an adult. My mom is not happy about this but she can't really do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you are feeling this way already, then adopt a jewish baby

Not so easy to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child can equally grow up to become an Atheist. You have no control over his/her belief as an adult. All you can do is raise your child the best you can in the Jewish faith and hope for the best outcome. I was raised in a christian home, while I still belief in God I question most of the religious practices. I don't attend church as much as an adult. My mom is not happy about this but she can't really do anything about it.

You can be Jewish and an atheist. I've seen this many times in Reform families.

[Anonymous]

My XH is Jewish. Two of his siblings had serious fertility problems and adopted children. One couple adopted white newborns after long waits. The other one adopted internationally and have one white Eastern European child adopted as a toddler and one non-white child adopted as a young infant from Latin America. The infant had been baptized in his orphanage. All of the kids were converted shortly after adoption. The two white domestic newborns had no issues fitting in to the community. Both are young adults who have a Jewish identity, but neither is observant according to my child. They did do the Birthright trip. The white toddler and non-white infant both had attachment issues and other SN that I think their community didn't understand. That might have created some discomfort and estrangement. My DD says neither of those cousins identify as Jewish. The one adopted from Eastern Europe says she is a Christian and is interested in the Orthodox Church. The one adopted from Latin America has attended services for multiple religions including some that seem cultish. We actually bumped into him watching the Hare Krishnas in Silver Spring a few weeks ago.
I don't think it is fair or unfair in a blanket way. It depends on your community and your understanding of being Jewish. You could look for a community with many converts and Jews of color. My XH didn't belong to a community and agreed initially to raised our DD in my faith. He changed his mind after we divorced, but because he didn't really do anything to offer an alternative, she practices my religion and doesn't consider herself Jewish. She and her adopted cousin from Eastern Europe both enjoy the broad ethnic food traditions of the area and a lot of that cuisine feels Jewish in the American sense of Jewish culture. But loving a good bialy does not a Jew make.
I belong to a religion without an ancestral component and converts are common so I can't relate to what the cousins or their parents experienced. I know that the grandparents are disappointed that so many grandkids don't see themselves as Jewish despite decades of family holidays and b'nai mitzvah celebrations.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it will be any issue. Conversion of infants/toddlers is really no big deal, and you will raise the child as your own Jewish child. They will not know any different. At our synagogue there are children who are Asian, Hispanic, and Black. No one bats an eye. Adoption is quite common here nowadays.

Plenty of born Jews ha astray of Judaism once they get older for a variety of reasons. It's an issue in Judaism as a whole because it's such a small community.
I wouldn't let this Dowcourage you from adopting. It's not like your kid won't know they are adopted.

[Anonymous]

check out Susan Silverman's Casting Lots: Creating a Family in a Beautiful, Broken World, which was published by Da Capo Press in March 2016. You can also contact her (I'm fairly sure she has a website); she and her family are pro-Jewish family adopting. I don't personally know her, but I know a tone of people who do and heard she is pretty approachable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child can equally grow up to become an Atheist. You have no control over his/her belief as an adult. All you can do is raise your child the best you can in the Jewish faith and hope for the best outcome. I was raised in a christian home, while I still belief in God I question most of the religious practices. I don't attend church as much as an adult. My mom is not happy about this but she can't really do anything about it.

You are missing the point of Judaism. I am Jewish. I will always be Jewish by culture and heritage. I do not practice the religion and am atheist in beliefs, but Judaism in in my bloodlines.

[Anonymous]

Let the child choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child can equally grow up to become an Atheist. You have no control over his/her belief as an adult. All you can do is raise your child the best you can in the Jewish faith and hope for the best outcome. I was raised in a christian home, while I still belief in God I question most of the religious practices. I don't attend church as much as an adult. My mom is not happy about this but she can't really do anything about it.

You are missing the point of Judaism. I am Jewish. I will always be Jewish by culture and heritage. I do not practice the religion and am atheist in beliefs, but Judaism in in my bloodlines.

The adopted child will not have the blood lines connection
I am not sure what kind of a home the adoptive parents will provide, but they have 1 bio child, will the adoptee really feel as included as the bloodline child. Will the extended family see the new arrival as the adopted cousin, or a real cousin. Will grandparents lavish as much love and what is the attitudes of aunts, uncles?