Cub Scount conflict with DH

[Anonymous]

Some background - DS is a somewhat anxious and quirky 3rd grader who has a bit of trouble making friends - he does have a few friends at school, but many activities that other boys like (sports) are not for him, and he's reserved about joining in in social situations that may be noisy or disorganized, even if no sports are involved. For the past 2 years, he has done cub scouts at his school. He seemed to have fun at the meetings, though on a few occasions he initially said he didn't want to go, he cheered up and joined in with the other kids as soon as we got there. Well, this year, DH has taken the position that he doesn't want DS to do scouting because it is too disorganized and DS runs around too much and acts silly with the other boys - which is exactly why I want DS to do it in the first place. DH also complaints that it is too tiring for him to take DS to scouts, and unless I can promise to take him to every meeting (which I can't due to my work schedule) we should not sign him up. DS says he would be ok with either going or not, he doesn't have a strong preference. But if DS drops out, his only extracurricular would be a chess club outside of school, which, while fun, doesn't help him socialize with kids at school. I am really just absolutely disgusted with DH about his laziness and unreasonableness about this, and his selfishness in refusing to take DS to this activity, which I think is helping him. On the other hand, scouts, at least in our troop, seems to be a father/son based activity, so if Dh refuses to support DS in it, maybe there is no point.

Should I:
1) Just let it drop, since DS says he doesn't care
2) sign DS up and take him to as many meetings as I am able with my work schedule, knowing that it will be weird because it is mostly dads
3) harass DH into doing it and then listen to him complain about it after every meeting, which I am sure will also diminish any fun for DS?

[Anonymous]

How 'bout option 4: suggest that DH find an alternative activity that would (a) allow socialization, and (b) be more appealing to your DH?

Or option 5: have a problem-solving discussion with DH and ask for his thoughts on how to address the socialization issue if you drop Scouts?

[Anonymous]

They run around a little less in third and a lot less in fourth.

By fifth grade they really start to buckle down and do some really fun and cool stuff.

If you can just get through a couple of months into third grade you will see a notable difference in how wild the boys are.

[Anonymous]

Or option 5: have a problem-solving discussion with DH and ask for his thoughts on how to address the socialization issue if you drop Scouts?

We have tried that and it was not effective at all. DH's view is that recess is for socializing and that DS's time during the week would be better spent on academics than socializing. His recommendation was to set up play dates on the weekend, which I certainly do at least twice a month, but the work of that is all on me and DS always selects the same 2 friends that he already hangs out with to invite. Option 4 (insisting that DH be responsible for helping DS choose an alternative activity) is a good one, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Here's a fourth option:

Agree with your husband that your son can drop cub scouts because it is too disorganized/whatever else, on the condition that DH finds another activity that is better for DS.

If he complains, say you think cub scouts is good enough and you don't want to research other activities only to find out that it doesn't measure up to his standards. Make him take ownership of the activity - whatever it is. My guess is that he'll just stick with cub scouts because it's easier.

[Anonymous]

2 - I would stick with scouts and try to get him to as many meetings as you can. I think Scouts is excellent for building confidence and friendships, and they seem to do a particularly good job with quirky kids in my experience. Plus they are having fun and everyone can be successful with a little bit of effort.

[Anonymous]

Not that it's ideal, but I'm curious... can't parents start dropping off in 2nd or 3rd grade? I was under the impression parents only "had" to attend through 1st.

We're new to this, I'm actually leading a Lions group of K aged boys. I can't wait til some of these parents can just leave their kid.

[Anonymous]

Not that it's ideal, but I'm curious... can't parents start dropping off in 2nd or 3rd grade? I was under the impression parents only "had" to attend through 1st.

Our troop is pretty big and the kids get pretty overexcited, so the leaders have asked us not to drop off if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

I get it, I despise the craziness of the scout meetings too. My son in 3rd grade so I totally get the "crazy running around meetings".

I would sign him up and take him to as many meetings as possible. and when you can't go, husband has to go - that's the compromise. I'd also tell husband to suck it up and do something that son likes with him. Really - how much dad/son time do they have? Sounds like not much and while socialization is important, I'd argue that the father/son relationship is just as, of not more important.

[Anonymous]

I would do option 2, and not worry about the weirdness factor. If it's tough with your work schedule, I would figure out whether another family is willing to take your son sometimes in return for other carpooling favors.

I was in a similar situation last year with my then first grader and scouts. He wanted to sign up because a lot of his friends were doing it, and my husband made crystal clear that this would be 100% on me to manage if we went forward (DH both disapproves of the boy scouts for political reasons and is very much not an outdoorsy sort). We went ahead and signed up, and though I was in the minority as a mom, no one cared in the slightest. I made a lot of new friends and my son and I both enjoyed it overall. I did find it taxing to cover all the meetings though, and a couple of times asked my FIL or one of the dads to take my son, which worked out fine.

We're not doing it this year because he's gotten into a couple of sports, and I'm kind of thankful to step away from the time commitment. But it was fun, and definitely a mother-son bonding experience. I wasn't resentful toward my husband at all, but I might have been if he wasn't so great about doing the kids' sports and a ton of other stuff.

[Anonymous]

do number 2. maybe your husband will see how much fun your son is having and join in. Sorry, it sucks.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but given that you are trying to give him alternatives to which he says no to, it sounds like your DH is just lazy and doesn't want to do anything that will help your son.

My DS went to cub scouts (now in boy scouts). My DH did it for our DS. DH is now very happy that he doesn't have to be as involved now that DS is in Boy Scouts, so my DH wasn't exactly thrilled to do the Cub Scout thing with DS, but he did it for DS. And yes, the younger years is much more chaotic, but it does get better.

Go with option #2 - in other packs, the moms are also involved, and in some cases, a mom is a den leader. It's ok to be involved as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. I also feel DH is being really lazy and selfish. He definitely does things with DS (they play a lot of board games, ping pong and foosball at our house) but none of them involve socializing with other people or leaving our residence.

[Anonymous]

What I don't like about these groups are it appears to be organized yet they aren't. Makes me wonder if you can just get a group of friends together and do those things with them. Have you been able to establish some friendships that goes beyond meeting at cub scouts? If so, you can focus on those friendships. And I know some people definitely need cub scouts to do whatever. To me, so much can be done and organized the way you want if you just tap into your creative side and inner nature-that is if the other parents think the way you do. And some parents do.

[Anonymous]

DH was like yours last year. Complaining, complaining, complaining. I finally told him that he needs to offer suggestions on how to improve and attend the planning meetings. Don't just complain and expect things to magically change. How about actually getting involved? I completely understand not wanting to lead a pack or den. DS, who is almost 9 is in cub scouts. We decided to get more involved without taking on a leadership role. If the kids are out of control, we, as adults interject and help bring order. We offer suggestions, help organize events, and help lead. The person that said that the kids settle more and more, year by year is correct, or at least that's what we see at our pack meetings. It also helped that attending scout activities was not all on DH. Sometimes I would go. I'm leading my first activity this year, while DH stays home with our younger son.