What to do when young DH has close to no libido

[Anonymous]

We are mid thirties and have never had the most incredible sex life in the world but were probably having sex twice a week in the beginning which was enough for me. After a decade of marriage I think we would go six months with no sex if I didn't initiate it. I do initiate sometimes but only every few weeks. I keep waiting for him to initiate but he never does. I'm growing increasingly resentful. Every so often I will bring it up and he'll apologize and say he needs to be better. It will be better for a few weeks and then go back to no sex unless I get it going. I don't think he's cheating. I do think he's tired from a stressful job and young kids (but so am I). I do think some medical issues might play a role. I don't want a divorce. I would be open to an open relationship but am sure he would not be. I don't want many more decades of a sexless marriage.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are mid thirties and have never had the most incredible sex life in the world but were probably having sex twice a week in the beginning which was enough for me. After a decade of marriage I think we would go six months with no sex if I didn't initiate it. I do initiate sometimes but only every few weeks. I keep waiting for him to initiate but he never does. I'm growing increasingly resentful. Every so often I will bring it up and he'll apologize and say he needs to be better. It will be better for a few weeks and then go back to no sex unless I get it going. I don't think he's cheating. I do think he's tired from a stressful job and young kids (but so am I). I do think some medical issues might play a role. I don't want a divorce. I would be open to an open relationship but am sure he would not be. I don't want many more decades of a sexless marriage.

What would you do?

Tell him to stop watching porn. He could be a porn addict

[Anonymous]

Ask him to get a checkup and have his testosterone levels checked. If they're low, it will impact his sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a checkup and have his testosterone levels checked. If they're low, it will impact his sex drive.

If that were the case, is there treatment?

[Anonymous]

I'm a mid 30s DW as well. I would discuss the issue with him and strongly implore him to get checked out medically. If he refuses to see there's an issue and refuses to get checked out.. Well that's a tough one. It would be unreasonable of him to ask you to live sexless.
How's his diet and lifestyle? Does he get any exercise? Is he overweight? What about you? Is there a chance you look much different than before? I'm trying to be delicate but guess what I'm asking is have you gained a lot of weight that he might find unattractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mid 30s DW as well. I would discuss the issue with him and strongly implore him to get checked out medically. If he refuses to see there's an issue and refuses to get checked out.. Well that's a tough one. It would be unreasonable of him to ask you to live sexless.
How's his diet and lifestyle? Does he get any exercise? Is he overweight? What about you? Is there a chance you look much different than before? I'm trying to be delicate but guess what I'm asking is have you gained a lot of weight that he might find unattractive?

He could eat better but so could we all. Overall he's a healthy weight and does exercise once or twice a week. My weight is the same as when we married. I'm older of course but so it goes.

[Anonymous]

Is he on any antidepressants?
Because lack of a libido is a very common side effect.

Or have him see his M.D. & get his testosterone level checked.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters and trolls that will imply there is something wrong with you. Or the anti-porn crusaders - lot's of men watch porn and still want frequent sex.

I am a high drive male married to a low drive wife. My scenario is more typical, so they say. Three suggestions -

1) be the best version of yourself you can. If you look good, you will feel good in the face of constant rejection. It's hard not to internalize the rejection but when you get attention from other men you will accept the problem is your husband, not you.

2) Have a tough conversation with your husband and be specific what you want from him. Do you want him to forcefully initiate? More frequency? Men need specifics. Also, it he able to get and maintain an erection? If he has performance issues, that may prevent him from wanting to have sex for fear of embarrasment.

3) Schedule sex. Pick one day a week. It will take the pressure off both of you, his wondering when to initiate, you on wanting him to. The other 6 days there won't be the question of sex lingering over you. Also, if he is low drive, he can (should) do what it takes to get in the mood. Baby steps.

As for outsourcing sex, you need to be honest whether you can do it. Men like me do it, but we can have affairs that are purely sexual. Most women get attached to men who rock their world sexually.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Workout, that raises testosterone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people just have a low sex drive. My husband is one of them.

You're probably not going to change him. It's better to find another outlet whether it's masturbating or whatnot.

I've struggled with my husband for years and it's been a lot better since I've recently accepted he's never going to have or desire the sex I want. I try to focus on the positives.

+1

Same experience here, although in my case it's health problems lowering DHs drive. There is some comfort in knowing there is a medical cause (makes it easy to tell myself "this is not about me") but there is an added layer of guilt when I get frustrated with his low drive because I know it's not his fault or choosing. We've both been a lot happier since I've stopped pushing him for more sex and just taking care of myself when I need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a checkup and have his testosterone levels checked. If they're low, it will impact his sex drive.

If that were the case, is there treatment?

Yes. Either the gel or twice monthly shots.

[Anonymous]

What kind of health problem prevents him from holding you, talking dirty, maybe even lending a hand while you "take care of yourself"? Surely a loving caring spouse would do that much of his health prevented actual PIV sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of health problem prevents him from holding you, talking dirty, maybe even lending a hand while you "take care of yourself"? Surely a loving caring spouse would do that much of his health prevented actual PIV sex.

I'm the 13:21 PP and if you were referencing me/my DH, his health problems include relentless chronic pain, unbelievable fatigue, nausea, and a host of other problems. Not all medical problems that prevent sex are impotence related.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but I was in your shoes, exactly. I was married to a man who had zero sex drive and I would initiate for years, then see how long it could go if I didn't and we are talking months.

Some possible culprits:

- low testosterone
- undiagnosed depression
- extramarital affair or porn
- addiction issue/alchoholism
- closet gay

For me, I think mine was the latter and I divorced.

best of luck! Sorry OP this is soul-crushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I was in your shoes, exactly. I was married to a man who had zero sex drive and I would initiate for years, then see how long it could go if I didn't and we are talking months.

Some possible culprits:

- low testosterone
- undiagnosed depression
- extramarital affair or porn
- addiction issue/alchoholism
- closet gay

For me, I think mine was the latter and I divorced.

best of luck! Sorry OP this is soul-crushing.

Don't forget loss of attraction. You sure it wasn't that?