What does a 'good' relationship with your ILs mean to you?

[Anonymous]

It seems a lot of Family Relationships threads are dedicated to people who either:
a) Want to be closer to their spouse's family. These posters are surprised that their well-intended overtures are not returned/appreciated. They want to be super-close, and they don't understand why their spouse's family doesn't feel the same way.
b) Want a polite but "boundaried" relationship with their spouse's family. They want to share what they want to share, but don't want to share everything. They want to see their spouse's family, and be friendly with them, and exchange gifts, etc., but want there to be some boundaries and space.

It's so interesting that both "sides" are right, and have good intentions, and yet there is so much friction.

So...what does a "good" relationship with your ILs mean to you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think most of IL threads are about people who hate each other with passion LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think most of IL threads are about people who hate each other with passion LOL

NP. I disagree. I think I know what OP means. If someone hated their SIL, they wouldn't post things like: "I always wanted a sister. But my SIL doesn't seem to want to talk to the phone with me twice a week? Why? And we don't see her unless I make the plans. Why?"

And I think (to the other point) that if someone truly hated their ILs, they wouldn't care about negative reactions. But we see posts like, "I want to have a better relationship with MIL, but she constantly criticizes my parenting skills, and I resent that. How do I ask her to stop without alienating her?"

So it's not that people don't want a good relationship...

[Anonymous]

A good relationship for me would be seeing them less often, because they don't respect boundaries, and I'm completely worn out after 2 days of them. Ideally I wouldn't even have to spend holidays with them. I don't mind them coming here on occasion, but I don't like going there. When we start seeing extended family of the ILs and extended family of step relatives, I start to wonder what planet I'm on and why I have to endure people that are basically strangers and not even really related to my own DH.

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my in laws. What does this mean? We respect each other, we do not discuss politics, and we keep visits focused on grandchildren. Basically I keep things pretty superficial. We have nothing in common anyway, so it is easy.

[Anonymous]

It's what I've got. The in-laws are great. They respect my rules, ask before "spoiling", don't spoil in ways that will create problems or habits I have to undo, they're interested without being overbearing, etc.

I think they wish we lived closer than across the country though. I think they'd rather see us once a week instead of once a month.

[Anonymous]

To me this would be a MIL that respected boundaries... always goes back to boundaries... don't drop by unannounced, don't call every.damn.day. But my dh is to blame for not telling her... if we could resolve that issue- it would be nirvana

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my ILs. They are lovely people, very warm, have embraced me as family. No one could ever replace my own wonderful parents but I consider my inlaws my second parents. They have told me repeatedly that they consider me another daughter, and my mother considers my husband the son she never had. In fact, my inlaws and my parents get along so well that sometimes they get together without us!

That said ... of course sometimes there are issues, since we weren't all raised exactly the same way. MIL in particular wants to know every detail about everything (short of perhaps our sex life). The other day we went for a first trimester ultrasound and she knew the appointment time and texted 5 minutes after the scheduled appointment time to ask how it had gone, wanting details. We hadn't even seen the doc yet! That was too much for me. I told DH it was up to him to respond and I wasn't going to deal with it. (And for those who say why did you even tell her, it's because we have had secondary fertility issues and need MIL to babysit our toddler while we see the specialists ... otherwise I would say nothing.) I find her smothering at times. However, I know it comes from a place of love and concern so I always keep that in mind. And the flip side is if I do want to talk about something in detail, or hash out a decision, or even just look at rugs or something, she is always there and willing to participate as much or as little as I need.

I am very lucky. At the same time, it takes work on everyone's part to recognize that we're all in this for the long term and that the little things are not worth getting upset about.

[Anonymous]

Basic respect and human decency, that's all I ask.

[Anonymous]

Good fences make good in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good relationship with my in laws. What does this mean? We respect each other, we do not discuss politics, and we keep visits focused on grandchildren. Basically I keep things pretty superficial. We have nothing in common anyway, so it is easy.

Same here. Though, FIL is a miserable person and doesn't talk to anyone, much less me. I just ignore him. But my relationship with MIL is fine, but we'll never be close. I actually always hoped that I would have a good friendship with my ILs.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are divorced. FIL is a very generous & forgiving person who is always happy to see us. MIL is hyper-critical and passive-aggressive. Guess whose house we spend more time at?? It all comes down to people you like, and who make it clear that they like you - warts & all.

[Anonymous]

A good relationship with my MIL is not seeing her.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is visiting us right now, 3rd day.

I like her a lot, she is very sweet and not a pain in the ass. We are getting pretty close (married to her son for 2 years), and I personally like a close relationship.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak because in-law problems seem so common.

I suppose more on point with the question from OP - I'd be sad if she wanted an arms-length relationship but also exhausted if she wanted to be best friends and up our butts.

[Anonymous]

Years ago, my first set of in-laws loved me and I loved them. I still do, even though we've not seen each other in nearly 20 years.

My 2nd set of in-laws didn't really stand a chance. They wanted me to try and impress them, and I can't be arsed with that. So they resented me and that kind of stuck. I don't care and neither does my DH. He says "reward good behavior, ignore bad" and that's what we do.