Question got those who left emotionally abudive relationships

[Anonymous]

We followed the advice of a counselor and told our kids (oldest is six) that we were separating (they don't know the word divorce) because we expect to get along better if we don't live together. In other words, we made it seem mutual even though it was a unilateral decision. I have no idea what my ex has said to them since then, of course. At some point, did you tell your kids the full reason why you left, or did they figure it out for themselves, or was it always left unspoken?

[Anonymous]

I am not in this situation but my sibling is. I would not tell the kids when they are young. I think talking about getting along better while separated is a great way to put it.

I might tell the kids a few years before dating age and explain why it's important to be kind and respectful to their partner, as well as demand their partner is kind and respectful to them.

It is also helpful to see a counselor and get advice on how to best help the kids through this. They are too young, I think, to see counselors themselves. I think the youngest I know of was 7, and the counselor I spoke to preferred that the kids be 8 and older. I always find professional guidance to be helpful, even if it's only confirming my gut feeling about something.

I wish you the best with everything. I know this is hard. But my sibling's attorney (and later the kids' counselor) assured her that kids can flourish and thrive if one parent household is healthy and strong. Despite what may go on in the other house. So even if ex is telling them bad stuff, the kids will be OK. Hang in there.

[ThatBetch]

I didn't say much to my kids (then 3 and 7) when ex left, mostly because he didn't say much about why he'd left and I honestly didn't know. But as time went on, and the emotional abuse kept happening (just from a distance, via email, etc.), my kids kept noticing the effects on me and they asked (and continue to ask) questions.

It's hard. I don't want to bash their dad, and I don't need to vent to my kids, but when they ask me honest questions (about anything), I've always tried to give them a full answer, and the answer here isn't "we mutually agreed that it was in our best interest to separate". I've shifted to giving them an age-appropriate version of the truth, just as I would for any other question.

When they ask me about sex, or bodily functions, or taboo topics, I give them an age-appropriate answer and try to help them find resources (books, mostly) that will inform them. Relationships are a human thing, and relationships ending will be something my kids will eventually experience, so why should this piece of their education be any different than the others?

Again, though- I work very hard to make sure that my answers are as impersonal/clinical as I can make them. This isn't about taking shots at ex. This is about informing and educating my kids, per their request(s).

If your kids don't understand the language, teach them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not in this situation but my sibling is. I would not tell the kids when they are young. I think talking about getting along better while separated is a great way to put it.

I might tell the kids a few years before dating age and explain why it's important to be kind and respectful to their partner, as well as demand their partner is kind and respectful to them.

It is also helpful to see a counselor and get advice on how to best help the kids through this. They are too young, I think, to see counselors themselves. I think the youngest I know of was 7, and the counselor I spoke to preferred that the kids be 8 and older. I always find professional guidance to be helpful, even if it's only confirming my gut feeling about something.

I wish you the best with everything. I know this is hard. But my sibling's attorney (and later the kids' counselor) assured her that kids can flourish and thrive if one parent household is healthy and strong. Despite what may go on in the other house. So even if ex is telling them bad stuff, the kids will be OK. Hang in there.

Can you give an example of how you answered a question about the split without making critical comments about your ex? How do you avoid talking about mistreatment?