Another dating as a parent thread. Advice for dating someone w/o children

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced father of two elementary chool children. I'm on good terms with my ex and we have a 50/50 custody arrangement that we've both been flexible about as necessary to help each other.

In the two years post-divorce, every woman I've dated has had kids of her own, so we figured out how to balance schedules and bonded some over talk about our kids. Normal stuff.

I recently met through a friend a single woman without kids and, after three dates and plenty of texting/emails, we seem to be hitting it off. She knew I had kids when we were introduced and said straight up that it is not a deal-breaker for her, partially because we both went in to meeting casually with no expectations. She seems genuinely interested in hearing about my kids because they are a huge part of my life, but she asks about them in the same appropriate way that I ask about her relationship with her parents and and siblings who she is close with, and it doesn't overwhelm our conversations. It is very unlikely that she would meet them for many months, if this beginning relationship even lasts that long--I've dated enough to not get ahead of myself in this regard. The kids have a great mother and I'm not trying to find a new one for them.

As I hope I've demonstrated, I have no major issues, but am seeking general tips or guidance on dating under such circumstances, particularly from anyone who has been the non-parent in the relationship. I already know that my schedule cannot accommodate many things that two child-free couples can do on a whim, and I don't plan on changing that for any relationship, but would still appreciate any thoughts or comments from anyone who's BTDT. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing just fine. You are sharing your family with her as appropriate, i.e., small talk, in the way she is sharing her family with you. I understand it seems like your kids are "more," but for someone without kids, the level of intimacy and personal nature of talking about their family or origin is in a similar vein for them.

She is also doing great: asking about your kids in a pleasant way without being intrusive and demanding details/meetings, being forthcoming that she is ok with you having kids.

I would keep doing exactly what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

As fat as not being able to make plans on a whim, that's really true of many people without kids.
You just live your life and your schedule as it is.

For example, an ex boyfriend was a physician in research and had experiments he had to monitor overnight sometimes, like every few hours. So no cuddly sleepovers. Another friend dated a pilot for years who was gone for week at a time,
and "on call" as part of his contract. So no making advance plans or doing something on a whim. My ER schedule is also erratic and I'm on call a lot, too and pretty inflexible.

My point is not to dwell on your visitation/custody as a sticking point or issue, it's simply your schedule just like anyone else's.

I think keeping it casual and simple is best OP.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting because I have now met two single dads who only want to date women without children simply for the fact that the non parent woman can accommodate their schedule on a whim. I find it hypocritical but I guess that's their perogative.

[Anonymous]

A lot of my single girlfriends are seeing or engaged to men who have children. It adds some wrinkles and complications but they are happy to get the chance to be involved with kids when they didn't get to have their own.

It can be tough to coordinate schedules with another parent so I can see why single parents would go this route.

[Anonymous]

I always made sure to give my (now) husband time alone with his kids when they were about to go off to their mother and when they'd just came back from there. Transitions are hard.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

The good news is the woman I've been dating has a busy life of her own and I'm pretty sure she's not sitting around pining for anyone on the days and nights I'm unavailable. Maybe it is good because it has forced us to take things very slow.

I thought I'd be more compatible with another parent because neither of us would let scheduling be the reason to not move forward, but if that becomes an issue in this relationship that will just have to be the way things go.

[Anonymous]

When I started dating my now husband he had a child and I was childfree (married, have a toddler together now).

My advice -- if/when your kids and GF meet, don't push for the relationship YOU want them to have, let them decide and define it for themselves. My SD and I have always gotten along, but I haven't had a 'mothering' relationship with her -- she's got a very involved mom -- she didn't need or want me in that role, nor did I want to be in that role, but I got the sense that my H wanted me to be more mom-like (whatever that means).

Also, if you don't want anymore kids, make sure she knows that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced father of two elementary chool children. I'm on good terms with my ex and we have a 50/50 custody arrangement that we've both been flexible about as necessary to help each other.

In the two years post-divorce, every woman I've dated has had kids of her own, so we figured out how to balance schedules and bonded some over talk about our kids. Normal stuff.

I recently met through a friend a single woman without kids and, after three dates and plenty of texting/emails, we seem to be hitting it off. She knew I had kids when we were introduced and said straight up that it is not a deal-breaker for her, partially because we both went in to meeting casually with no expectations. She seems genuinely interested in hearing about my kids because they are a huge part of my life, but she asks about them in the same appropriate way that I ask about her relationship with her parents and and siblings who she is close with, and it doesn't overwhelm our conversations. It is very unlikely that she would meet them for many months, if this beginning relationship even lasts that long--I've dated enough to not get ahead of myself in this regard. The kids have a great mother and I'm not trying to find a new one for them.

As I hope I've demonstrated, I have no major issues, but am seeking general tips or guidance on dating under such circumstances, particularly from anyone who has been the non-parent in the relationship. I already know that my schedule cannot accommodate many things that two child-free couples can do on a whim, and I don't plan on changing that for any relationship, but would still appreciate any thoughts or comments from anyone who's BTDT. Thanks.

As a single woman who has not kids and has just started dating again....I think you are doing everything right. I am older and realize that it is almost impossible to find a guy with no kids and I am all on board to any one I date having kids.