Being alone in a marriage. S/O coping techniques.

[Anonymous]

I am really hating married life right now. My husband is an adult child. I have to spell out what needs to be done around the house or he would just sit and watch cartoons with my kids. Sometimes when I do tell him what needs to be done he throws a fit about it. I have two kids 9 and 5. I am always picking up after everyone. Whatever I say to him ends in an argument. I tell myself to stop talking to him, but forget and as always it starts an argument. Nothing ever changes. How do those that stay for the kids or for financial reasons cope day-to-day? I'm looking for techniques on how to stay married, yet be alone in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Find some activities.

[Anonymous]

I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

She wants to stay because of his paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

How about how would you feel if your son's wife treated him this way? Or does that not matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

She wants to stay because of his paycheck.

Nothing wrong with that but I'm thinking she is staying for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

She wants to stay because of his paycheck.

Nothing wrong with that but I'm thinking she is staying for her kids.

She said in her OP, kids and financial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

How about how would you feel if your son's wife treated him this way? Or does that not matter?

You obviously got the jist of the post. Not every possible scenario needs to be spelled out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask myself, why do I want to stay in this marriage? What are the good points? Do they outweigh the bad?

As your kids view the interactions between you and your husband, would you want your life for them? How would you feel if your son treated his wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughters husband treated her as your husband is treating you?

How about how would you feel if your son's wife treated him this way? Or does that not matter?

You obviously got the jist of the post. Not every possible scenario needs to be spelled out.

You're right, but you spelled out the two where women were the "victims". Just pointing out your bias.

[Anonymous]

Op i know my DCUM wives have a very ignorant view on what their children experience in a distressed marriage. I just want to say your children are learning coping skills by watching you and their father. You both teach them what's normal and expected in a happy marriage. You need to show them strength. Knowing when to walk way in an unhappy situation is very important. Some may disagree, finances is never a good reason to remain in an unhappy marriage or relationship. Your peace of mind and health is worth way more even if you have to lower your standard of living. You have to deal with this person EVERY SINGLE DAY for years! One day in the future you'll have so many regrets to the point of depression diagnosis. Did you not really notice his behavior before marrying him, how did you miss all this? Either way good luck with the outcome.

( by the way all the above also applies to men in unhappy marriages with their wives)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op i know my DCUM wives have a very ignorant view on what their children experience in a distressed marriage. I just want to say your children are learning coping skills by watching you and their father. You both teach them what's normal and expected in a happy marriage. You need to show them strength. Knowing when to walk way in an unhappy situation is very important. Some may disagree, finances is never a good reason to remain in an unhappy marriage or relationship. Your peace of mind and health is worth way more even if you have to lower your standard of living. You have to deal with this person EVERY SINGLE DAY for years! One day in the future you'll have so many regrets to the point of depression diagnosis. Did you not really notice his behavior before marrying him, how did you miss all this? Either way good luck with the outcome.

( by the way all the above also applies to men in unhappy marriages with their wives)

Life is not so simple. Many of choose to stay for the kids. No yelling or screaming. Just learning how to live a new normal.

[Anonymous]

You are making a mistake by focusing on attempts to control your husband. You need to change your attitude. You control only yourself. You can decide things need to be done and do them. If you want your husband's help then talk to him about it well in advance. But whatever he doesn't do is his problem not yours. Some things you will have to let go. Personally, I think you should sit down and watch cartoons with the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you plan to stay, you'll need to lower your standards and expectations a lot. Stop picking up after him unless its really critical. find outside interests, such as taking a course, gym etc. If he won't do tasks, outsource them or leave them undone. Also, kids are old enough that you can travel to family, away with girlfriends etc for weekends and leave them with dad or go with them only. Remove the center of your life from the house and the marriage.

My bet is that giving yourself space will eventually lead you to end it anyway. either way, you protect yourself from the daily onslaught of negativity.

[Anonymous]

My work and my relationship with my parents and brother are a big part of my life. That is how I cope. I also try to get out of the house and do fun things with DS alone, or take DS out to do things with friends. No other advice to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you plan to stay, you'll need to lower your standards and expectations a lot. Stop picking up after him unless its really critical. find outside interests, such as taking a course, gym etc. If he won't do tasks, outsource them or leave them undone. Also, kids are old enough that you can travel to family, away with girlfriends etc for weekends and leave them with dad or go with them only. Remove the center of your life from the house and the marriage.

My bet is that giving yourself space will eventually lead you to end it anyway. either way, you protect yourself from the daily onslaught of negativity.

100% this

Let the small shit go and get some of your own hobbies.