What's going on in the heads of victims of domestic violence?
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Anonymous
| I ask because my brother is abusive. I want to reach out to his wife to be supportive or help in some way. She insists they are all lies. That they have the greatest love ever. The arrest records don't show that, though. Just trying to figure out any approach that might resonate. Telling her she deserves better? It's not a question of money. She has plenty. Is it the fear of what everyone might think if her 2nd marriage fails? Fear of being alone? It just eats me up inside to watch this all happen. I really worry someone's going to end up seriously hurt or God forbid dead. He has two court cases pending now.... Which is the only good thing. She can only refuse to testify in one of them..... Even these cases don't seem to be enough to get her to even temporarily leave. |
Anonymous
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It varies for each victim, so there's no one-size-fits-all solution or answer anyone can give you. I can tell you though, that the harder people pushed me on the outside, and wanted to "help," the more I shut them out and put up more walls. I didn't want their help, because acknowledging that meant acknowledging that I was a victim of DV, and I wasn't ready to fully do that. Outside of that relationship, I was a take-no-shit, super strong woman, very accomplished, etc. but within that relationship, he beat me down emotionally, mentally, and physically, to a point that none of my other attributes could help me. And I didn't want help from anyone else.
It wasn't until I found myself running out the house, naked, bleeding from my face, neck, and arms, after an attack, that I wanted help. Luckily the neighbors heard my screams, and 911 was called, but even after that, it took me weeks for some people, months for others, to open up to them. I never opened up to his family or friends though, even the ones who were 1000% on my side, cutting all ties with him and offering me total support. It was just a convo I didn't want to have, ever. If you want to talk to anyone or work on anyone, talk to your brother, get him away from her, get him help. But start with him, not her. And do not push her for anything, because then she'll feel overwhelmed and everything will weigh down on her even harder. |
Anonymous
Thank you. And I'm so sorry you went through that.  yes she seems very strong in all facets of life but this.
I've tried with my brother, but he seems very mentally ill. Not making any sense at all. I am pretty sure there are drugs and alcohol involved there. I can try again. |
Anonymous
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PP here. Thank you.
If your brother seems very mentally ill, can you get him put on a psychiatric hold? I don't know what state he is in, but the following list specifies what you can do, state by state: http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/legal-resources/state-standards/emergency-hospitalization-for-evaluation Since he's obviously a danger to others, and more than likely a danger to himself, you should start there. Additional info: http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/get-help/know-the-laws-in-your-state |
Anonymous
| In the cases I know about, the reason for staying is primarily worry about breaking up the home for the kid(s). I think that keeps a lot of couples together that otherwise would not be. It seems so unfair that sex drive is so high during the infatuation stage of a relationship and then there are already children when the true problems emerge. |
Anonymous
| Abuse is devastating because it wears down the self-esteem of the victim to the point where it is practically nil. The victim has also been conditioned (brainwashed) to second-guess themselves at every turn, and to come to expect the abuse, and to accept it as normal to an extent, and also to blame themselves for the abuse that does happen. It is devastating to its victims, and to children who witness it. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| Something to consider OP: statistically speaking, women are at their greatest risk after they leave an abusive relationship. Couple that with the mental illness, and your SIL may be making the tactical decision that it's too dangerous to leave. Read the paper any day of the week, and you'll likely see a story about a homicide or murder-suicide, and it's almost always right after the woman announced she was leaving was was preparing to leave. In your case, a statement to her something along the lines of "I believe he's harming you, and you don't deserve that. Just know I will always be here to help and support you, should you choose to leave or stay. The violence is about him, but your safety and the kids' safety is my main concern. I'm here if you need me." |
Anonymous
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A lot of women stay without living in the total denial of OP's sister-in-law.
More than anything, we stay because we and the kids can't survive financially. We stay because we can protect the kids better if we're present, rather than letting them be left alone with their father or abusive members of his family. There's a huge element of getting worn down and damaged by living with someone emotionally abusive, because you're always on guard, with regular terrorizing events. After a while it wears you away to nothing. There's a lot of misunderstanding and blaming/shaming the victim. People look at us and think there's a strong woman who doesn't let anyone mess with her. They think my husband is a gentle, easygoing person. They don't know what he's really like, or what happens behind closed doors. |
Anonymous
OP here. That's true. I've already informed the state that he has guns, and they have been taken away. That doesn't make it safe, but I'm just trying to think of the things "I" can do to keep things as safe as possible. |
Anonymous
Excellent advice right here OP. Please let her know that she has a safe place to go if/when she's ready to leave. But be prepared to stand up to your brother. |
Flybynight
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Victims often believe it is thire fault. It never is. Victims also often suffer from low selfesteam. If you suspect that your brother is abusing his wife please get her out the house, and get your brother some help. |
Anonymous
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While it seems like a true no-brainer to just walk away, it rarely if ever is that easy to do.
Experts say that a woman is in the most danger when she takes action & leaves. Plus she may not have a good support system which is almost always necessary. The perpetrator usually has brainwashed his victim into believing that she causes him to act a certain way and that without him, no other man will want her. Plus she may have friends who choose to avoid being around her due to fear for their own safety which is just wrong on so many levels. Maybe she fears losing her job if anyone finds out. Right now it appears she is in complete denial over her husband. If that is the case, sadly there is nothing you can do for her now.
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Anonymous
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The best place to get advice is through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
http://www.thehotline.org 24/7 PHONE SUPPORT Trained advocates are available to take your calls through our toll free, 24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). |
Anonymous
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I wasn't in total denial, but I was suffering from years of being told that I was too incompetent and fragile to make it out in the big bad world alone with a child. He very specifically said he would get 50% custody (he didn't), pay no child support (wrong again), and have to remarry quickly to provide a stepmother (took him 10 years). I stayed to protect my child.
I left after he attacked me while I was pregnant with my second child. No, it wasn't a planned pregnancy. BC sabotage was one of his strategies for keeping me frightened and dependent. |