btdt moms patronizing first time moms

[Anonymous]

OK, I realize this is going to invite a flame-war, but my question is genuine. Why is it that on many threads started by a first time mom-to-be, a been-there, done-that mom weighs in not just to give advice but to suggest that the first time mom can't possibly have any idea of how she wants her birth to be, can't possibly predict any concerns she might have before going into it? Are these responses from the same one or two posters? The general theme seems to be anti-natural childbirth and dismissive of the fact that a first time mom can go into it knowing her own desires up front.

To be fair, I get it, I don't know everything or even many things about labor. I also know I can't "plan" it all, that it may not go the way I want it to go. I know I have to be ready for curveballs. But that's just it. I'm not trying to know everything in advance. I just think it's wise to research, prepare, and fair enough to know one's self and take into account one's likely personal desires and highly unique concerns.

I'm all over the boards, asking questions of moms who HAVE done it and genuinely want their advice. But there is a difference between answering a question and demeaning the poster for asking it, or basically suggesting that it's stupid to try to plan or prepare in advance for anything, and the patronizing attitude has got to stop.

There are shades of grey in everything, and I'm not talking about people who counsel a first time mom to be open to things, or someone who suggests a different way of thinking, or even warning a mom that she might change her mind about things. That's all fair enough and it is good to be challenged by other perspecives. I'm not talking about those responses. I'm talking about the downright dismissive, one-track-minded responses that say "this is how it was for me, and so shall it be for you. This is the word of the Experienced Birthgiver."

Can we stop with that? Please? It is just not helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the problem in that because we are on a message board, you can't pick up the cues or nuances you would normally get in person - someone might be saying "You can't possibly plan..." but they probably don't mean it in a condescending way - they are just trying to emphasize that every labor is different, so it's difficult to predict how you will react in the moment. I think when it comes to natural childbirth, people are trying to be realistic in saying that yes, it can be done, but depends on a lot of factors (mainly what your labor is like).

But a lot of people don't want to hear that - they post something about their spouse not being fully on board regarding their birth plan and are frustrated, when in reality their spouse is probably wondering what to do when the mom-to-be is screaming for an epidural when it's not on her birth plan.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree that would be annoying, but I also have to say, you need to get to a point where you just quit posting and looking for other's advice. To a point it is helpful but once it starts getting annoying, like it sounds like it is, time to stop I would suggest.

Take some classes, read some books, talk to some folks, be informed. But after that point, you need to say, I'm prepared for what I can be prepared for and now it's time to chill and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

OP--

I haven't experienced the exact same thing you're talking about, but I completely know where you're coming from. I have a similar complaint. I can't stand experienced moms who are patronizing in the context of infant care, etc. I absolutely could not stand it when people said to me "you think you're tired now, just wait until the baby is born..." or "just wait until the baby is born, your house will be a total mess all the time" etc., etc. My DH and I swear we will never be like those people. And, of course, those very people are the ones who now say to us (our DC is one and we've survived thus far): "oh, your DC is easy. Wait till you have two, or a harder baby." Ugh.

Some people are just mommy/daddy martyrs. Annoying, annoying, annoying. Sorry to hijack your post with my rant, but I think we have similar complaints about patronizing parents.

[Anonymous]

I was annoyed by the same thing when I was pregnant with my child. I am now a mother, have been through labor and nursing, etc. Here's my thought: some people either do not know themselves well or somehow did go into the experience (labor, nursing, whatever) thinking they would run the show and it would be perfect. Then when they were disappointed, they feel the need to tell all other incoming mothers that they too have no idea about their own wants and needs.

My natural labor turned out to be different from what I expected although good in many ways. Nursing went well for a while and then didn't. Motherhood has been interesting and wonderful in ways I didn't expect. Still, I didn't go in with one set view and I do not think that moms to be have no idea. You have some idea. Some people have more of an accurate idea than others. Trust yourself.

[Anonymous]

Uh oh. hope that wasn't me. I am a mom and love this board. I do try to give advice when I think I have something of value to add. I completely get that everyone has different babies, different desires for childraising, etc. Hope I never came across as almighty.

[Anonymous]

If you are the OP of the "limiting cervical checks during labor" thread, I think you are overreacting and probably not for the first time.

[Anonymous]

It's the nature of the beast...ie an anonymous forum.

Plus, tone very often gets lost when it's written out - so what may seem condescending/know it all/bitchy/been-there-done-that to you may not be the intention of the poster.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: BTDT moms have knowledge that you can't possibly have -- even if you read every book and take every class. So take their well-intentioned advice and then make whatever decision is best for you. But I do encourage you to listen even when folks offer unsolicited advice b/c you just might learn a new trick. FWIW, I'm one of those BTDT moms of 2 kids who tries to prepare moms for what the first few months will likely bring (not much sleep, lots of exhaustion and fussiness (on the part of the baby and the new parents), and lots of nit-picking between the parents). No one prepared me for just how difficult the first few months were --- so I try to brace my friends for it. And so far, they've all appreciated it. FWIW, before I had kids I was a know-it-all who unwittingly passed judgment on parents (who didn't control their kids, who let them eat sugar, who let them watch tv, who let them co-sleep, etc.) and believe me I learned my lesson --- I never pass judgment on parents anymore. My advice to you is to be open to comments made by BTDT moms --- and soon you will be among their ranks. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

20:09 here. I think 20:23 hit the nail on the head. I did not go into parenthood thinking it was a bed of roses. I have spent a lot of time with my nephews and am close to my sister and have seen her encounter the difficulties of parenthood. So, I saw how difficult parenthood was and expected the worst. As a result, I was like "hmmm, this isn't so bad."

But, I still think the BTDT attitude can be patronizing. And, FWIW, for the most part I'm not talking about people on this thread. I'm talking about people who--IN PERSON--would act patronizing.

[Anonymous]

Sorry PP, but hearing about how hard the first few months are from others isn't the same as living it firsthand. Nothing quite like weeks of going without sleep. You can't even begin to imagine how you will feel when you hear a screaming baby at 3am when you are a couple months into it. I remember my husband and I bartering with promised favors, etc. in exchange for getting the other one to handle the middle of the night feeding

[Anonymous]

I find your post ironic. 20:58. EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I'm 20:09, and 20:23 and I have a one year old. I've lived it first hand.

[Anonymous]

Got my times mixed up, sorry! It is 21:04's post I find ironic. I'm the 20:09 and 20:23 poster.

[Anonymous]

I've been much more irked by comments made by btdt moms and people in general in real life than in online posts. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I thought I was going to cry if one more person told me ALL first timers go past their due dates, ha ha...and lo and behold, my daughter was born three and a half weeks early. I also had a million people tell me I'd better sleep before the baby arrived - which I would have loved to do had I not been so uncomfortable in my last few months that I could barely sleep.

A lot of advice from those who've been there already is really helpful - and as with anything, some people give more helpful advice than others. If you post a question to an online forum, you're going to get a variety of responses in return from a variety of people. I think it's pretty easy to skim past the replies that seem snarky and focus on the ones you can relate to a bit more.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not just first time moms that are getting that type of advice. I've got 2 boys and am expecting a girl. Just about every person who has a girl (and ironically no boys) tells me how much I will love having a girl and my first inclination is to say "what the hell are you talking about, you don't even have a boy to make a valid comparison!" I also think it takes away from how amazing my boys are. Also, on that note, I keep hearing how lucky I am that my two are so well behaved and easy going with absolutely no credit going towards parenting. Seriously, do people really hit the lottery twice? Maybe it's our hormones but some opinions/advice really seems unnecessary at this point in the game!